At a loss with my children's behaviour....please advice if you can.

[willowtree41]

Firstly, can I start by saying, that I love my children with all my heart.
Lately though, they have become really nasty towards each other, and my Daughter especially, has lots of attitude towards me about all most anything it seems. I am a lone mum, work full time, and up till now thought I did ok with both my children.
I have to say that I myself have become very intolerant of this behaviour, and do feel like I am at breaking point with them both. When they are not together things are better..but that is not life is it?
There are lots of factors that could be the root cause...it is just dealing with it at the time that I find hard...I think it's just me, but it can't be ..well I hope not anyway. Thanks for reading my post, any help welcome. :-)

how old is your dd? mine is dreadful to me at times, but apparently this is normal! she's 12...

You don't give the ages but I'd guess they are about 12/13?
Yes, I agree with you the bickering and sibling rivalry does get you down.
At the moment I only take the DDs out singly, never together. This might not help you I know.

Can you post an example of a typical situation, and how you deal with it, even if you're failing to deal with it because you get too cross or they just ignore you or whatever, it can help to see what your own triggers are, and if you find you can't implement a certain method or punishment etc, it doesn't mean you're failing, just that that particular one doesn't work well for you. There is always more than one way to deal with a situation. :)

It's really hard as a single parent as well, having to be strong when there's nobody there to back you up or step in if you are flagging, you have to be on duty all the time, even if you're too frustrated or tired to want to deal with something. If you're getting it right even some of the time that's an achievement!

Thanks for your replys, I have just joined, ...
My children are 11 and 12, boy and a girl. They are good kids, but at the moment just really push their boundaries. My Daughter is the worst, where as my son, I can bring him back on board at times.
I will give you an example....
I will wake my Daughter in the morning to get ready, I will leave her for ten minutes, when I go back up she is still lying in bed, and starts being argumentative when I ask her to get up again, as I explain she needs to hurry otherwise I will be late for work, and her and her brother for school. She starts shouting and going mad, I ignore her up to a point, then when I know I am going to be late, I get annoyed, and start shouting back at her, which is no good I know... after a while I walk away and wait, then go up and ask again in a calm voice, showing no emotion on my face. Eventually we do get out, but I am stressed, and so is she...I give her a hug before I drop her to school, but I have to admit, I sometimes do not want to now, which is not good. We are like this with anything she is asked to do, but when she wants something, she does what she is asked straight away. I think at the moment she is in control, and I am not....we are at loggerheads all the time, and it makes me so sad, and I know deep down she feels the same...I am frighten she is going to turn into a girl I cannot reach...and Ido blame myself, because maybe of someone else was here, things would be different. At times I wish I was somewhere else, instead of surrounded by all this anger....:-)

what i have found works is to treat her a bit like an independent toddler! so, we have wroked out a timetable for homework, to avoid all the screaming over doing it. we have a time for tv off/ lights off, a time for everything and not doing it just results in a calm sanction. i have also decided not to engage in arguments or shouting; i still, at this age, don't have to justify myself, andf i just ignore silliness, sticking to what i have said will happen.

I have thought about a rota, even to a point where my children have a time to use the bathroom...lol
Your ideas are good..., I think I will give it a go, and see how it goes.
Normally I am calm, quite placid really, so when I hear this woman shouting, and realising it is me, I need to do something.
Thanks "grumpy pants", "BertieBotts" and "crosswordaddict" for your advise, it's nice knowing that their are people out there to talk about this too. :-)

Hand her responsibility for getting herself up by setting an alarm on her phone. I refuse to argue or engage in arguments and have discussed that how they behave is their choice, and therefore the choices they make dictate the consequences good or bad. I would also state to her that if she is having so much trouble getting up in the morning, if things don't improve, she will have to go to bed an hour earlier. Chat about how you both hate the arguing and confrontations and would prefer the morning to start happily for all of you, as life is much nicer for everyone, including her.

def i would reinforce the deciding not to shout thing. sometimes i think i can't think of how best to react to dd, but at least i can choose my own behaviour.

Exactly....once I know I have shouted, I also know that I have lost the battle...lead by example, maybe that is why recently she has started to shout, as she see's me doing it.. not rocket science I suppose.
Madlizzy..everything you are saying adds up, I need to instill these thought into her head, and possibly follow through with a consequence if there is no change. I think it could be hard, but it definately can't get any worse. Thankyou.

OP Is your daughter streesed? No!
Is she suffering? NO!
I bet she is not stressing out about it like you are.
My point is you need to make her suffer the consequences if she is late ...so let her be late and get detention maybe?
Another ploy is to make a lot of noise to shift her a bit quicker... could you do a few minutes hoovering every morning about 7?
A wet flannel on her face will bring her round faster than a thousand words.
You can do without all this... you've got enough to do without these silly children stopping you getting to work.
Yes, I make no apology for the phrase silly children, because that is what they are at the moment and they need putting in their place big time. Sorry to sound so judgypants but that is what they need. A dose of reality might be better coming from another adult they respect. What about an uncle or grandparent?

Btw, removal of a 12 year old girl's mobile phone is very effective as a threat.

My dds only 10. We clash and are at loggerheads a lot. She knows exactly how to wind me up and sometimes I fall for it.

At the start of the summer I bought her her first mobile phone and told her that if she didn't change her attitude towards me I would be confiscating the phone until she behaved better towards me. After the first few days, she pushed the boundaries, probably testing me and I confiscated the phone for 24 hours. Since then she's been much, much better towards me and life has been a lot more relaxed than usual.

My 11yo ds is pretty well behaved, but if he plays me up he automatically loses his PS time that day, consequently I don't have much bother with him.