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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

sudden change in behavior

11 replies

mumsywumsy · 15/10/2003 12:55

I have a disturbing situation on my hands... My normally cheerful, happy,mischeivous, well-mannered DS of 8 years old has suddenly become moody and cries bitterly at the slightest teasing or any small excuse! We have just returned ( abt 12 days ago) from a brief holiday in Australia where we stayed with my sister and her 2 DD's 14 and 15 AND their separated father. DS claims he's missing his cousins and then coz he missed some school, claims he's upset he won't get thru 4th grade and that he won't be able to catch up , etcetc.. He even skipped a class picnic saying he didn't want to go, VERY FIRMLY ! Initially , I was sympathetic and would give him a comforting cuddle and spend as much time with him as possible( i work full time 8:30am - 5:30 pm), and reassuring him that he's a clever boy and he'll catch up soon et etc... and thought he wud get over it soon..but he's crying bitterly every eveningand often cries himself to sleep... I really can't bear to see him like this and its stressing me no end..I feel so helpless but now its getting a tad stressful.....
What do I do get things back on track ?

OP posts:

waterbaby · 15/10/2003 13:49

Sorry to hear your DS is sad mumsy. Have you had a chat with the school? It sounds a little as though something has happened there (might be a comment overheard or another kid causing mischief). It sounds like the reassurance that your DS will catch up might mean more to him coming from a teacher? I mean that in a nice way sorry, can't think of a way to rephrase it.
I meant if the teacher could sit down and talk about the work he has missed, and maybe find some little things to do that will make him feel as though he is catching up - a book to bring home etc. Or maybe he could talk to the class about Australia (with teachers help) or take in somethings/pictures of his trip if they could be used in an educational way, so he will realise that you don't just learn things in school.

I don't want you to think I think he needs to do these things as he has missed school, just that he obviously sees it as a real problem, and presenting him with a real solution might help. I'm sure it will pass, thinking of you

waterbaby · 15/10/2003 13:52

And maybe he could email his cousins? Or send them a thank you present full of English stuff? I'm sure some of the international MN could think of something that teenage girls would find hip and trendy from England... or you could ask on the patriotic thread

aloha · 15/10/2003 14:42

I have read that it can help children to sit down with them and let them come up with their own solutions to a problem rather than just reassure them. Eg say that he seems sad ATM, and let him talk a bit about what's bothering him, then if he talks about missing school ask him how he thinks he can catch up with his work and let him come to some conclusions (you may need to make gentle suggestions) and ask him how he'd like to contact his cousins (I think emailing is an excellent idea - maybe send digital pix too).

I think sometimes it is hard for all of us to adjust to 'normal' life after a really idyllic holiday, but at least you know he had a fantastic time.
It must be very stressful for you and I hope it all blows over soon.

tigermoth · 15/10/2003 23:16

mumsywumsy, there's something about your post that worries me and I can't quite put my finger on it. If it was my son (9 years), and he suddenly got so worried about getting behind at school, I would be pretty sure that something else had triggered it. But then my son is pretty casual about school. If your son is prone to worry about school, it may well be just that. But if this is the first time he's shown such anxiety and you are sure the school is not putting pressure on him, in your shoes, with my son, I'd assume something else was the cause of his miseries. He seems really upset if he is crying himself to sleep every night.

I think you've got to do lots more talking, even tell him gently that you don't believe he's just upset about school, and can he tell you what has happened. Do you think his two older cousins teased him and it's really got to him, or even,(I know he's very, very, young for this) that he has a crush on one? TBH, if your son was older, I would say a holiday crush is a distinct possibility. Or do you think he enjoyed the holiday so much he wants to return and thinks by being so upset you will take him back there again? What aspect of the holiday did he really like - is it something missing from his normal life?

Hope you get to the botttom of this and the tears stop soon. Poor boy!

Original poster

mumsywumsy · 16/10/2003 06:42

thank you all for showin me diff. perspectives.. I guess having a word with his class teacher will help ...tho when i suggested this to him ...he was very upset .. You see, he has to be perfect for his teacher! But maybe i can ask her to speak to him without mentioning I asked her to do so. I also liked the idea about telling the class about Australia and he can probably take a few souveniers for Show an Tell... He's been bringing missed work home to photocopy and catch up with ... being the youngest ( ia m one too!) he does get teased but his older cousins were not teasing him in the -ve sense... my older DS and him constantly snipe at each other and they consider it 'normal'! I think the best part of the trip for him was having company other than DS1 !As for the 'crush' part ... I really don't know what to think ... It could happen but i think he's too young ! Thanks anyway, tigermoth .. as i mentioned i'm checking out all the diff angles !

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Original poster

mumsywumsy · 18/10/2003 06:37

The tears are still continuing ....and the situation is that none of us DH,DS1 or I use the A word (!!)anymore..and DH suggested to start talking about here and now.. and that i've babyed him too much...He got a pretty good report card even tho he missed ten days of school..( the teacher let him take the class tests again ) and yes, she feels he needs to be brought back and not be told we'll go there again soon .. any opinions ??

OP posts:

aloha · 18/10/2003 09:15

Did you try asking him how he thought things could improve?

tigermoth · 18/10/2003 09:38

Your son does sound upset. How about making some special plans for halloween or some fun event he associates with home - perhaps a party - and rope him into organising it with you? If he is showing enthusiasm and is geeting on track, you might casually drop into the converstaion some anti Australia propaganda ie - in Australia of course they don't celebrate halloween half as much. The children just haven't got the hang of trick or treating at all...

tigermoth · 18/10/2003 10:21

How has your son been when you've gone away before? was this his first big holiday? It just seems like a such big reaction to coming home if, taking the title of this thread literally, he has undergone a personality change. I do think you need to keep on probing for a reason and not stop at school/holiday issues. I agree with Aloha that you need and ask him how to make things better.

charliecat · 18/10/2003 11:05

When i went abroad for the first time i had a really nice time, didnt think too much about getting on the plane back and wasnt bothered about going home. When i got back to my house though, I suddenly got really depressed and on the way back from work the next day i actually sat down on the kerb and cryed at 5o'clock on a main road, I was that miserable about being back home!
Couldnt put my finger on it then and cant now. I was 16 but i have much sympathys with your son.xx

Original poster

mumsywumsy · 18/10/2003 13:29

aloha, i have tried to ask him about it ..like -Honey, I'm sure everyone back there is missing you too..etc. As for school, when i asked him what he'd like to do about getting back into the swing of things,he looked at me in a puzzled sort of way ..You know..like Hey ! You're my mother you should know what to do... I think i'm giving him the impression that i am at a total loss for what to do ...also, this is really not his style of getting attention from me ... I'm with him constantly from the moment i get home.. tho i am beggining to wonder
tigermoth, he's been fine whenever we've come bk from hols..as i sed this IS a sudden change.Also he's got it into his head that he wants to go live with my sis and if he doesn't do well in school he won't be able to go to school there. tho i wonder if he overheard some of us talking loosely about re- locating?? AWWWW!!! What an earth am i going to do ????
Charliecat.. thank you !

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