teacher overeacting or am I just a bad mum

[mummypercy]

The moment I've dreaded finally arrived last week, when my 4.5 year olds ds teacher rang me to say she was concerned about him. He'd been subdued for 2 days not playing with the other children and hanging around her. She said he'd told her that I wasn't playing with him and the reason was because his 15 month old twin brothers had been sick and I'd been looking after them. Tried to talk to ds but he wouldn't talk about it. A week and a half later the boys are better and I thought he was back to himself. The teacher had a word with dh and she was still concerned. He is still subdued, claims he has no friends,admits to things he has not done and allows other children to take things from him. We have always taught him to share and I've always told him if someone does something to say loudly "No don't do that" so at least an adult will hear and technically he wouldn't be "grassing". In the eyes of the teacher he's gone from a popular happy positive little boy who she said she wished she had another 29 of in the class;to a withdrawn and clingy one. His behaviour at home is also gives raise to some concerns, he is more cheeky and hyper and dh said for the first time that he didn't like him and he'd changed. He gives the appearance he is happy to go to school and was even upset that there was a weekend in between. He enjoys doing school work and homework.
Are we worrying for no reason. He is refusing to talk to me or even his aunty who he is very close to. What do I do?

i have no advice really but just wanted to say that the fact you worried and looking for advice makes me believe you are not a bad mum at all so dont ever think it! kids go through phases he probably felt a bit left out cause you had to look after your sick children try and treat him to a day out and give him lots of attention (not all the time but when hes good to see if it makes a difference, maybe hes attention seeking?)

How long were your twins sick for. When you said your DH doesn't like him do you think he is being serious or just at the end of his tether?

I wouldn't say you are worrying for no reason. You are concerned and you know your son. You are just acting on instinct.

Has the teacher any advise.

I remember once our nursery nurse expressed concern over DS's behaqviour. It coincided with problems at home we thought he was totally unaware of. He probably wasn't.

Don't worry that he doesn't want to talk about things. It's very difficult for a 4yo to put feelings into words, which can make them feel very guilty because they can't necessarily differentiate between feeling sad and being 'bad'. He's obviously a clever boy to have been able to explain the situation as he did, but he may well be feeling very angry at his dbs for taking attention from him, and at the same time be feeling very bad for being angry at them. Do I make sense?

IMO he needs lots of positive attention (rather than discipline) and reminders of how special and unique he is, and how beloved by his mummy and daddy. Lots of individual attention, even perhaps making a point of asking your dh - in front of your ds - to take care of the dts so that Mummy can do XYZ with X.

Ask his teacher which children he particularly played with before all this began, and arrange for a couple of playdates with them soon.

As long as he is keen to go to school, then you know that the problem si at home and you don't need to worry because you can sort it out. Your lovely boy will return, he's just a bit miserable right now and needs lots of TLC.

Have you got a family of dolls or bears or such like? I find that they are quite a useful toy for finding out things that bother the children, as they will role-play situations wth the dolls - or tiny bears in our case. The toys need to reflect your family, so would include a pair of twins that were the smallest, and a 'boy' that was bigger, and a 'mum' and 'dad' that were biggest.

I think it's reassuring that his teacher is noticing his change in behaviour and I don't see it as an over reaction on her part at all. I do also think that as a parent there is only so much time and attention you can give each child and it is not always possible to give them everything they need from you at any given time! He has had a dip in attention due to the twin's illnesses so there is an explanation for his change in his behaviour. But hopefully now that they are better he can start to get back to normal too.
Would your dh be able to look after the twins on a weekend so you could take ds out on a special outing? Every holiday I take ds for a ride on the train to the next town and he finds that incredibly exciting - as much for it being our special time together as the train journey.

Sounds odd to me. That's the reason he has given for being withdrawn and clingy at school (his brothers were poorly and he wasn't getting so much attention) - but is that really the reason? or a smokescreen to pacify an enquiring adult? (and yest I think 4.5 yr old are capable of introducing a red herring to put off an adult from questioning them)

Is he being bullied? Could it be something else?