Keeping it fair with VERY different dcs....

[graceandbeauty]

I have 3 dcs - 2 of them are pretty much what I expected from having kids, i.e. they have their difficult moments but on the whole behave well and listen to me.

Then there is DS. He is 9. And it's a terrible thing to say about my son but he's bloody hard work and always has been.

Tonight: it's time for showers, like every night. I warn them all that at the end of the programme they are watching, it will be time for showers. The youngest has already had hers and is ready for bed. Other dd goes off and does hers. DS refuses, I calmly repeat the request twice more, then tell him he won't have time to read in bed unless he comes right now. He eventually stomps grumpily up the stairs after trying to find a few things he really has to do before he can take a shower. He takes so long that I tell him now there will not be time to read in bed. He is now really angry so he switches on the shower and decides to flood the bathroom with it. Now I am angry too and only just managing not to madhandle him into the shower myself. I tell him he needs to clean up the mess, take a shower and get ready for bed. He does a very quick shower, not washing properly at all, shouting insults the whole time.

This kind of scenario happens several times a day, and I don't always manage to stay calm. I find it so difficult when I have 2 dcs who do not constantly fight me, and one who always does. I accept that he has a very different temperament from the others but I can't "go easier" on him just to avoid battles as that would be so unfair to the others. How can I manage his behaviour without my other dcs feeling that they get a hard time?

You have two girls and a boy? I might be way off, but is your son getting enough "boy time" in the day? IME, boys at 9 have a bit of a testosterone surge and need a LOT of running around and physical activity. Also, if he is the oldest, he may need a few special priveleges, if in the middle he might need a bit of space from the girls. Do a bit of experimenting with your parental style for him.

Thanks, I've analysed to death over the years why he is like this and what I can do. I can't pinpoint anything like not enough exercise or not enough one to one time. He is equally difficult for both me and DH, although DH is probably slightly better than me at "jollying" him out of it. But usually that's impossible. He will have a few good days then an awful week for no reason I can see. Basically he just wants everything 100% his own way.

I talked to him tonight once he was calm. I asked him why he got so angry when I only asked him to have a shower. He said it was because "I asked him in a mean way and I always ask the girls in a nice way because I like girls better than boys because I'm a girl." I told him that I always ask nicely the first time then my voice won't sound so nice the more times I have to ask.