Getting rid of a dummy / the "please" factor

[Mumsyq]

Our little boy is now about 18 months and we would like to start weaning him away his dummy. At the moment we give it to him to go to sleep with - at home and at nursery - and whenever he gets really upset. He also has a cuddly "security puppy" that he carries around with him. I'm fine about his keeping this.

He has just learned the power of saying "Please" and so asks for his dummy with "please please please" afterwards. It's tricky because we don't want to discourage him from saying please, but we don't want him to have the dummy. any ideas?

Mumsyq,
I too have the dummy problem, although it is with my nearly 3 yr old, he has his dummy in the same situations that you have described, we have now suggested that he puts them in the bin when he is 3 which he has agreed to, but then he said we can buy some more, so I am not holding out much hope that this will work! I will still hold one back just in case.

I know it sounds awful but my daughter kept her dummy until she started school soon after her 4th birthday. We tried to persuade her to stop using it well before, probably about the 2 years mark, without any success, we kept trying occasionally. She only used the dummy for going to sleep, once she was asleep the dummy would fall out of her mouth anyway.

When she had settled into school I 'lost' the dummy, and she never asked for it back. My advice would be to let them have a dummy if they want it, they'll grow out of it eventually.

Incidentally, my son has never had a dummy, he's never liked them, he's always preferred to suck his thumb, usually a sign that he's tired. But, whilst writing this message I've realised that he hardly ever does that any more, he's just turned 4 and settled into school. Don't know if that's just coincidence or not, but I'm not that bothered as long as they're both happy.

Good luck to you both, whatever route you decide to take.

There's another board about dummies and getting rid of them which is worth checking out. The two different schools of thought are don't stress and get rid of them about 3 years when the child can take part in throwing them away and becoming 'grown up', or the other idea where you just 'lose'the dummy and deal with the consequences. Our son's favourite dummy broke when he was about 21/22 months. He refused another one and so we had no choice but to go cold turkey. We had three nights of disturbed sleep, but each night got better and better. He just had to learn to go to sleep without it. We told him that dummy had gone and after a while he just accepted it. We rode through it, it wasn't as bad as I thought and I'm pleased it happened like that. If you feel you can cope with the sleep training then I'd say go for the latter option and just lose the dummy!

We went cold turkey whith dd as no. 2 was on the way & we wanted her 'cured' before baby & dummy arrived on the scene. We definitely felt 2 was too old really and didn't want it going any further.

Weaning her off it didn't work. So, one nap time they all went in the bin, she woke up. No dummy . She seemed a bit grumpy for a couple of days but remarkably less stressful than anticipated.

If you still keep one/them it's hard to say 'no', especially with "please please please" - if they're not there you can just say - sorry - we don't have any any more & it'll get through quickly enough. Seems a bit brutal but it worked easily enough for us. We had the same when GP said no more juice - she didn't have that much anyway, but everytime the fridge door opened she'd yell juice. We just said we didn't have any & after a couple of days she stopped asking & that was that. I think it would have been a lot harder if we'd kept juice in the house because she wouldn't have understood why we had it but wouldn't give it to her. Anyway, good luck.

My ds had his dummy until this summer he is 4 in November. My main worry was the sleep element because he didnt sleep through until he was 2 but surprisingly enough it was really easy. We had talked about it a couple of months before we did it and agreed when we came back from holiday (didnt want sleepless nights when we were away) we would throw the dummy away and surprisingly he woke up the day after we got back and told me he was going to put it in the bin. The first night I think I was more sleepless than him! He does not now sleep during the day as I only had to stick that dummy in at a certain time and he was off - but if push comes to shove and I lay down with him he will go off. I think he has asked for his dummy once since we threw it away and I was really expecting a nightmare scenario ie. him screaming me screaming etc etc Give it a go I bet you find its easier than you think - good luck.

Mumsyq: I've had similar angst over the dummy issue. I've thought about stopping my son at 6 months, then at at a year, and intermittently since then (he is now 23 months) but in the end decided that his dummy gives him such tremendous comfort, particularly when we put him to bed, that to remove it would be no less than traumatic for him. (And attempts to put him to bed without his dummy over the last year and half have failed miserably, leading to unending hysteria.) When he turned 18 months, however, we restricted its use to bedtime. We explained to him over and over (it took much reminding) that he's a big boy now, and the dummy is only for sleeping, not for during the day. We find that if he's kept busy, amused, he doesn't miss the dummy during the day. But clearly he absolutely needs it at night.

I've had to give some thought to the reasons behind my concern over his dummy use, and realized that, unlike in the U.S. (where I'm from) dummies aren't particularly socially acceptable here. I've been embarrassed by strangers coming up to me when ds was younger, saying, "He doesn't need that dummy" or "Little one, you don't need that dummy" (which of course was directed at me, not at "little one"). I've also been a bit uneasy about the fact that none of my English friends seem to allow their children dummies. I've realized there's a bit of a peer pressure element at work for me, and I finally decided that whether or not my son uses is a dummy is just nobody's business. Obviously I don't want him using the dummy when he's 10--but a paediatrician once told me there's little danger of that, for they do tend to outgrow the habit themselves.

I very much like the "throwing it in the bin" idea mentioned below; I think I will try that when my son is a little older. If that doesn't work, I'll take the paediatrician's advice, and wait for him to outgrow it.

My daughter will be 3 in January and still has her dummy in bed and in the car. Amazingly a few months ago she suddenly stopped having it at nursery and now goes from 9 until 5 every day without it (at nursery - different story at weekends!) even though she still has a midday nap. As soon as she gets back in the car its "where's my dummy". I know I should force the issue but she knows she can only have it in the car and in bed so it doesn't seem worth worrying too much about it. She seems to do things at her own pace, it seems silly to get yourself too stressed about it.

My son at 3yrs 4 mths has just given up his dummies. We talked about it for about 3 months before, and then one day he finally said that he was ready to throw the dummies away. We went out to the big bin outside and threw them all away (didn't even keep one). His reward was a bob the builder Scoop thing for play-doh. We just kept talking about how big children don't have dummies, and how he could choose his reward when he threw them away. When he was ready - he decided. I wouldn't stress too much about it. They will do it in their own time

My 3 older boys all gave up dummies (or plugs, as they are known in our house!) at about 21/2 - 3 years. Each time we discussed it before - now you are a big boy.... etc. Two gave up at about christmas, so there were plenty of distractions and the third just before starting playgroup - which he was/is really keen on. They had only had them in bed - we are really strict about that, but they seemed to be ready. It is far worse in anticipation than fact, but keeping one back is deadly - don't do it!

I agree with last two views here. dd gave up dummy on 3rd birthday as part of being a big girl, extra present etc etc. Previous attempts too stressful (terrible twos, broken nights sleep etc). Dentist advised that it had not affected teeth etc, though of course we didn't allow it to be jammed in all day. we went from an all day every day to "not in public" slowly to when tired etc etc. In fact we started on day 1 in the maternity ward when a midwife said you've got a noisy one there go and get a dummy. Some kids love them and others don't. Ignore all pressure from unhelpful rellies and do what your child and you are comfortable with.

My Three and a half year old gave up his dummy at about three when I felt he was ready to understand what was going on. he only had it to help him off to sleep and when upset. we waited until life was fairly settled (we had just moved from Oz to Ireland) and then we talked about the dummy fairy who was going to come and take his dummy in the middle of the night and leave some money in mummy's purse for him to go and buy a special toy. I had some reservations as he really loved his dummy but it worked a treat. all dummies got burned in the fire that night to save me from temptation but he never asked for it again. my 18 month old is also a dummy fan and we will do the same when he's ready. I think he really would be upset if we took it away now. Good luck.

My son is 4 months old and has a dummy. He has it mainly for when he is upset or going to sleep. Just recently he has started waking up several times in the night and expects his dummy to be put back in. I know I should probably take it off him now before he gets dependent on it. Should I take it off him all together or gradually. I know whatever I do I am going to be in for some sleepless nights. Any suggestions would be appreciated.