4 .5yr old dd1- says she plays alone at playtime.....gutted

[Mollydolly]

DD1 who is 4.5 has come home from school today and said she has no friends and plays alone at plytime, walking round the playground watching the others. I am devastated and shocked because she is normally confident, socialised well at pre-school and is popular with friends kids in our social circle. However, since she started school we've noticed that if we ask her what she wants for tea, what she would like to play with etc., she often replies with "what would you like me to have/do?" I wonder if she may be being "too nice" and being walked over at school? The other thing is that my best friends daughter who she has played with at home since day one is in the class above her, and she played with her a lot in the first weeks of school - could she have missed the boat in making friends of her own age in the crucialfirst weeks? Please can anyone offer any advice, it's breaking our hearts to think she is lonely at school....

I'd check with your DD1's teachers, before you get worried.

My DS1 once claimed he had no friends at school, and played with nobody. When I passed this news on to his teacher, I thought she was going to wet herself from laughing too hard.

Not sure if this helps but my ds (4.6) has said exactly the same as your dd. He clains he wanders around and when he asks if he can play with friends they say no! He says this happens every day. However I have just started helping in school one morning a week with an older class and saw him playing at break time. He was chasing around with about 4 boys & girls and was last in at the end of break. I am sure a part of what he says is trur but I think he only remembers the hard bits.

My dd went through this in reception. She had just turned five. I think all the other girls seemed to pair off and she was left outside any groups. She was really sad for a while and didn't want to go to school.

I don't really know how but it worked itself out. I really think she's the stronger for it. She appears to have found her niche and has a small but well chosen group of girls she can play with.

I feel for you because I know how heart breaking it is. I used to try to get my dd to stop worrying about what people thought of her. I would say to her, 'Never mind that. What do you think of them?' I don't really think that anythihng I said or did was very much help in the end. That's the trouble with school - it's their world and they have to find their own way in it.

I hope your dd does.

NQC, I know your're right - this is just so unexpected. She is also the smallest in her class as she was 11 weeks premature and is dainty, so this also worries me in case she becomes a target for bullies - I know I'm paranoid!

dd can be like that. She prefers to play with boys (the girls tend to mother her as she is small for her age and the youngest in Reception) but came home yesterday and said her best friends won't play with her anymore. However today they did ! Sometimes she'll wander around on her own or chat to the teacher. Things at this age can change on a daily basis and she may not paint an accurate picture ! Have a word with the teacher as it is probably not really the case and even if it is she may be able to engineer it so that your dd isn't alone so often.

misty- we could be talking about the same child! Its exactly what dd says! It makes me feel a bit better tho cos it must be something some of them go thru!

Spider - I know most mums would say the same but dd is quite gentle(always the kid who helps out the kid who is sick/fell over/missing mum etc.) and a couple of the other girls seem quite, well, "bitchy" if you know what I mean? and so I think she doesnt quite fit in anywhere yet.

Thanks tho' your advice has made me feel better already.

Would agree with others on here who have said to check if this is actually true. Dd said exactly the same thing last week when we returned from US and she is back at school, turns out that all the children re desperte to play with her and find out what she has been up to.

Incidentally,do you think it would do any good to ask dd if she would like someone over to play? Haven't done so as yet as had only had dd2 4 months ago and in absence of routine and breastfeeding have not really felt I would be able to devote due care and attention to someone elses child as well as my own up to now (tho she plays happily all the time with friends children)

It may help to have someone over to play. Perhaps the Mum could come too so you are not "responsible". Also I think some Reception age children (i.e. my DS) are a bit young in themselves to do playdates without Mum.

If you get to know some of the Mums more they can also be a help in finding out what is really going on!

My 8 yr old often says this too but then says it's because they play boring games so she doesn't join in - would rather walk around and look at interesting stones etc!!! Teacher says she has loads of friends, so I try not to let it worry me but do sometimes wonder at how different she is from her sister, who has stuck with a little group of "best" friends since reception class. If she's unhappy though, that's a different matter and I fully agree with the suggestion to maybe invite a few people round for tea, for you to get to know their mums etc so you can help her to build up friendships.

Definitely ask the teacher next time you see her. If she is finding it difficult they should keep an eye on her.
We had this a bit last year when DD1 was in reception and it turned out that a few - not loads, but enough - people were wanting to play with her, it's just she didn't want to play the games they wanted to play, just ones she made up , so she was actually on her own out of choice. Girls can be quite horrid, too, running off and whispering together. DD1 seems to get on better with boys!
Asking someone over to play is nice and probably worth the hassle in the long run. We do it once every two weeks.

dd was a bit like this in her first few weeks in reception, and I think it was because she desperately wanted to play with ds's friends and girls she knew in yr1. We were also worried she had missed on making friends in her class. We found that having the birthday season kick off really helped, especially as dd went first, and we were able to invite all of her class (only 11 until January!) that enabled me to meet and get to know her friends (and their parents) and then I could ask her about them, and find out what she had really been up to. We also asked the teacher and got the "laughing" response. Now she is the queen of her class (as is her preference in life!) with several best friends.

I'd also just support those who've said "check with the teacher". DS2,also 4, frequently tells me that he plays with one particular little girl, N, and N's mother was so pleased that I happened to mention this, because it turns out that N is also saying she plays by herself all the time.

Spidermama

"That's the trouble with school - it's their world and they have to find their own way in it"

That's great. I must try to remind myself of that more often..........

My DS1 was saying this last week, I had a word with the teacher and she said he doesn't play on his own and they have a buddy system so if any of the kids are alone the buddy goes to them and invite them to play. hth xx

Yes they do that in most schools now, the children are never usually left to play alone....I always ask my DD who she has played with today and she says a different person every day and she's 5. I was quite worried as they all seem to have "best friends" but my DD seems to flit from group to group.

I'm sure your DD isn't as lonely as you think.

Thanks everyone, think I will have a word with the teacher next week as there has been a new development. One of the girls in dd's class, who she actually attended pre-school with and knows quite well, is blowig a little hot and cold with dd. Apparently she is ultra friendly one minute, hugging dd, telling her she loves her, etc., and the next it's "Go away, I don't like you anymore and I'm not your friend" DD is, as I said, quite "gentle" and as such forgives easily and goes back for more. I know this girls mum from pre-school,(who incidentally is lovely)and I think that this girl is jealous of my dd's friendship with my best friends dd who is a year older as her mum has told me that she is in total awe of her and is all she talks about at home. I really want to nip this in the bud but don't want to wade in with accusations and create bad feeling in this first year of school - any suggestions?

don't put your experiences adn interprutation on things - just check with yourself first also check it out with the teacher explain to dd that the child is not behaving nicely and may be jealous - it helped with a similar situ with dd a few weeks ago (also reception)

My dd also flits from group to group and sometimes goes to the library alone at lunch time. She says it is because she doesn't want to play the games they are playing or it is too hot in the sun (summer here in Australia). She is not bothered at all and I find she doesn't get caught up in the "bitchy" part of the girls. She is 7 now and claws seem to be coming out in the playground. When I pick her up from school I ask her good/nice things happened today and what bad/not so nice things happened today. I usually get the school ground gossip and I am ahead of the other mums in knowing who have "boyfriends" etc. This is also how I find out she is talking in class and in trouble - she wouldn't volunteer the information otherwise!!