Feeling like I can't cope. Advice needed please.

[pinkdaisy]

I am having a really hard time with my ds (aged 4), at the moment. He doesn't seem to listen to anything I say, I am having to repeat myself constantly, and feel like I spend the whole day nagging and moaning at him. In the last month he has become quite mouthy as well, and I am finding it hard to control my temper with him. I really try to be positive and give him lots of kisses and encouragement to be good, but he just keeps being naughty, by not listening, throwing things, pushing my ds2 around. He has never been a tantrum thrower, until the last 4 months, and if he doesn't get his way, he has a total melt down. I am quite a strict mummy and I always follow through with punishments and threats. I just can't believe what he is like at the moment.
He has been so naughty not listening and not doing what I have asked, and deliberately being naughty that I have been reduced to tears tonight, which he didn't even seem to be bothered about.
I need tips on how to control my anger, as I can sometimes feel the rage building in me, and I don't want to smack him. Also it would just be nice to know any tips on how to get him to listen. have tried rewarding good behaviour for him to just be acting naughty 5 minutes later. Everyone we know and his nursery say his listening is terrible, I just don't know what to do anymore!
Help please, I feel like I can't cope with him and I want to enjoy being with him, instead of feeling guilty that I just nag him all the time.
Please help.
Many thanks

Hi pinkdaisy. Been there too. Firstly when you say that his listening is terrible do you mean he doesn't listen or do you think he has a hearing problem? if so try your GP. Secondly if he just doesn't listen one tip might be that when you talk to him look him in the eye. My DS1 (now 16) was the same and i found that if i spoke to him i had to speak to just him and use his name so it registered. The teachers would address the class eg tell everyone to sit down and then have to say B could you sit as well. Not autistic but similar traits. The anger is hard to deal with. I know i lost it and shouted above the noise but then found (by accident) lowering my voice seemed to work a bit better as he had to concentrate harder. Is he in a school nursery or a day care nursery? If a school nursery, ask to speak with the teacher/head and ask what measures they can put in place, eg TA to help, behavious support worker. He will grow out of it. My DS1 is now in college, well mannered and reasonable. It took a long time but we got there in the end.

My 4 year old DS is exactly the same. You are not alone! He never listens. One thing I tend to do is crouch down hold his shoulders, look in his eyes and say in quite a low strict voice Can you hear me (name of DS)? and repeat it until he says yes, and then when he does I ask him what I have asked. This does seem to work. I will be looking to see if others have any other tips, because nothing else has worked for me

Just knowing that I am not alone has bought a tear to my eye.
He has had his hearing tested as failed them as a baby, he also had grommets fitted and adenoids removed last year, but I don't think it has made any difference. I personally think his hearing is selective, and I think that he zones out what he doesn't want to hear or do.
He has got an enormous amount of energy, but can sit still and concentrate when he wants to. It's like he just doesn't want to listen to me and actually doesn't care how angry I seem to get.
He is at a Montessori nursery, but starts school in September. His main teacher is constantly saying that he doesn't listen, although he does listen to some of the other teachers, he listens more to the stricter ones.
I just hate being angry at him all the time. I do love him, and am so worried that my anger towards him is just fueling the fire. He can be such a lovely boy and he is so gentle with other children (not his brother) and he's very sharing, but he is driving me nuts. I just need him to listen!!!
Brehon, it's so nice to hear that your son has grown up and turned out lovely, it gives me a little ray of hope. Every time I go out I feel nervous and apprehensive about what he's going to be like and if he's going to listen.
Thanks for any advice! Woose it's nice to know someone else is in the same boat!
Lx

Just wanted u to know I could have written ur post almost word for word tonight. My son is 4 this month and I swear his behaviour is more tantrumy and cheeky than it ever has been.... And I was under the naive impression that 'toddlerdom' was gone after 3!!! He, like ur boy, is kind, thoughtful and good at sharing, but can also 'zone out' to the point I need to repeat questions several times, and at the moment if e can't get his own way, and IMMEDIATELY, then he goes inti full meltdown... And I struggle with the patience for it, especially as he has 2 younger siblings. no idea really how to deal with it as I feel I've tried every trick... But my gut feeling is 'it's a phase' and as long as they feel reasonably loved and secure, they'll grow out of it regardless of what we do.... Hopefully!! X

My ds3 is just the same! He has huge tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. He can just flip in seconds. He was 4 in May. I've always been quite strict and my other ds's were always well behaved. If he was my first I would be thinking that I'm a really bad mother. He finishes nursery next week for the summer and starts school in September. I've always loved the school holidays, but have to admit that I'm dreading this one!

McGill, you have no idea how I feel not feeling so alone. I am trying to convince myself it's a phase. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with dc3, and am really worried that he is going to get worse! How old are your other 2? Are they the same? I am worried that ds2 will start to copy his behavior, although his personality is very different from ds1 already. I just don't want other people to look at my son and think that he is a horrible child.
Thanks for all your support, and advice. I will go to bed hoping for a better day tomorrow!
Lx

Here's a trick that might work - occasionally. I came across this when I worked as a TA in a secondary school, sometimes used in primary as well. When you want to get your little darlings attention, just stand still and raise one hand above your head pointing directly upwards. The idea is that they will see you do this and copy. That way you have their attention and then take it from there. It worked in the school and I tried it for a laugh in my house when all 4 were talking (shouting!) and I was stunned to find it worked. They knew what was expected of them when this happened at school so they automatically did it at home. At the time they were: DD1 20, DS1 11, DD2 7 and DS2 5. I had to leave the room so they could not see me laughing so much!