Nightmare day

[Beccaroll]

ooooooooooh Ive had an awful day with DD - she will be 4 at the end of this month and today has been one of the worst Ive had with her.

She has been cheeky, disobedient, violent, whingey, naughty, not listening, shouting etc etc etc!!

Im feeling guilty as I havent dealt with it well at all today and succumbed to saying things I wish I hadnt when I shouted at her - to the point that at bed time when she was still being cheeky and back answering I shouted in her face to stop it and I wasnt putting up with it any more - I feel really bad cos she visibly got a big shock when I shouted so loudly and close to her and Im now feeling crap about it.

I think she was just very tired today (she stayed at her aunties last night) so I have got her into bed early so she should have a good long sleep.

She has had a few big changes recently - got a new little brother 5 weeks ago and started at new nursery school 3 weeks ago.

Anyone any tips on how I can better deal with this behaviour for tomorrow? - the way today went is no good for anyone. To top it all Im going into town in the morning so dreading dealing with her behaviour, dealing with baby while going round the shops and to an appointment.

Becca
xxx

No advice...but lots of sympathy.

The thing I hace noticed is that parents who tell their childnren off and describe the behaviour they do want and why the behaviour they don't like isn't good get the best results.

Good luck for tommorrow..maybe with some sleep she'll be better.

Days like that are no fun are they? I think that tomorrow it might help if you can talk to her about today. Explain that you were both having a bad day and tell her that you love her but don't like it when she does x and y. You could apologise for shouting and explain that her behaviour made you very cross. Give her a big hug and say that you will both start again and try and be nice to each other today. Maybe ask her if anything in particular is making her cross or upset. She sounds like she's had a few changes to get used to, but I think even at four she may be able to articulate some of her feelings.
I always try to remember that they are awful to us because they can, deep down they know we love them unconditionally.
Good luck for tomorrow, I'm sure it'll be a better day.

And give yourself a break as well. You're dealing with two kids now...shock, isn't it!

Am having dreadful time with my two, as well...

Poor you, it's horrible when they push you so far isn't it?? I read a book called something like 'How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk' - american thing. One of the bits of advice I took on board was to let my 2 know when they are pushing me to the end of my tether and letting them know how much patience I have left - eg it's as big as a ball/as big as an orange/as big as a grape - and that I will be VERY cross if it shrinks to the size of a pea. Often that diffuses it anyway as they want to know how big it is and we end up giggling. But if they are still pushing it and I do get mad and send them to sit on the stairs/go to bed/be somewhere else/ ban telly at least they know that it's coming and it's not a surprise. At the end of the day we all get cross and can't always be perfectly reasonable and rational and if we are cross we can show it (obviously not too viciously but you know what i mean). And kids have to learn how to deal with feeling cross too, not just surpressing it. My DS is 4 and has a habit of lashing out when he is angry, I'm giving him other alternatives (like shouting and stomping off) to help him cope, and also I let him know when I'm angry so he can see how I cope with it and hopefully copy my example.

Sorry, got a bit long winded, I do sympathise A LOT and HTH.

WM xx

Thanks for all the advice - since Thursday we have had some good days and bad (mostly a mixture of both) - I have ordered the "how to talk so kids will listen" book so hopefully that might help with some more tactics.

She had a huge tantrum in Ikea yesterday and I was pleased with the way I reacted - I put back the things I had got for her bedroom and calmly walked her out of the shop while she was screaming, hyperventilating etc and calmly explained she wasnt allowed the treats she had been given as she had carried on misbehaving after Mummy had asked her not to so now she couldnt have treats - I find it so annoying when everyone looks on tutting and sighing - do they not understand that all kids create sometimes and I was just doing what I thought was best! Would they rather I spoilt her just to keep the peace!?

We were having a lovely morning just now - she even turned round and said "I love you so much Mummy and my little brother" which was lovely but then went downhill when I had to lift her off the work bench explaining it was very dangerous for little girls to climb up high- she screamed and screached so I sent her to her room - she has now come down toy in hand so I asked her if she was ready to apologise and be a good girl so we could get on with fun things.

It feels so much better to handle it calmly - something I didnt manage on Thursday and felt very guilty as a result.

I JUST HOPE THIS PHASE GOES SOON!!!

Becca
xxx

I've been having something similar with my DD who will be 5 at the beginning of next year. Her new little brother is 4 weeks and she started the local reception class exactly one week before that. I've noticed that she hadn't been sleeping very well and was getting increasingly tired. My gut feeling is that big changes such as new school and sibling do have quite a large effect on how secure they feel so they find it harder to sleep (lots going on in their minds) and feel the need to test the limits to check Mum still loves them - I could well be totally wrong though!!. There have been a couple of occasions that I really shouted which I also felt bad about. I've been trying hard to be much calmer and dealt with things along the line you did in Ikea and I have noticed a big difference this week and am cautiously optimistic that we are turning the corner. I've also found that praising her good behaviour frequently and taking more time out to sit down and talk or read seem to help reduce the bad behaviour. Hope things improve soon.

Adell - thanks for that we do seem to be in a very similar situation!!

Things are all calm here at the moment and Im going to aim for lots of positive reinforcement of her good behaviour (I think ive let this slip a bit and just shouting at her for bad) and see how we get on.

Would be good to hear how your getting on too.

Im not coping well with her today at all - feel totally guilty and a useless mam. I keep reacting to her and even while im doing it i realise that its not going to get us anywhere and just make it worse but she just pushes me to the limit and to be honest really really gets on my nerves at the moment.

I dont know what to do!

Beccaroll, I really feel for you. I have to say when I get that down about tantrums I concentrate on me a bit more-- eg, let the housework slide, make a few more allowances than normal (ie choose to have less battles) and wait it out. Well, not wait the phase she's going through out, but give my nerves a chance to heal and myself a chance to deal with it "properly". I realize it's a stop-gap measure, but it helps me.

So I hope you get a chance to focus on yourself a bit tonight --- very very hard with a 5 week old, I know.
JJ

Thanks JJ - think I will take your advice, I feel like Im on a treadmill at the moment with no time to get off and have a breather!!

After things reached a climax earlier today I made a concerted effort to nip it in the bud - I asked her to sit on my knee for a chat and told her I was sorry for losing my temper but the way she was behaving was making me very sad and upset and could we have a deal to both try harder to be friends, she agreed to this - we kissed and cuddled and then went for a run round outside.

I have made more effort to do some positive reinforcement and more one on one time and dare I say it she was much much better this afternoon!

I don't have any big advice to give as I too could do with some lessons in coping. Lost it big time this week with 3 yo dd after she pushed 12 mth ds over and he smashed his head on the wooden floor. I hate myself for it afterwards and wish I could handle it better, less shouting for instance. They are both aleep now, peace. I hope tomorrow is better for us all

Hiya Beccaroll, sorry that things have been poopy for you. If it's any consolation I posted a similar nightmare thread yesterday after having a really bad couple of days with DS (and DD kind of joining in). You must be feeling exhausted and could do without this.

In 'The Secret of Happy Children' Steve thingy says that children get like this not because they are inherantly horrible but because they are asking for something (with his implication that it is attention) and for my DS this is DEFINITELY the case as he is quite a 'high maintenance' child when it comes to attention. Your DD sounds like she is going through a lot of changes and is wanting reassurance that there is some sort of stability (ie that you still love her) and she could be in a cycle of thinking that any attention is good for her and feels that she gets the most by misbehaving. Don't get me wrong I am not having a go at you for anything you have or haven't done here I think that sometimes children get these funny ideas in their heads especially when their life routine changes - it is sooooo the case with my DS. I really have to take lots of deep breaths and do a lot of counting to 10 (or 20, or 30, or 40....) to even manage to keep my temper in check sometimes!

Gosh I sound like all I do is read parenting books......which is not true. It's just that the 2 I have mentioned on this thread have helped me a lot and I hope that it's helpful to you.

Take care of yourself and I hope things are better soon. WM xx

Just want to give you some sympathy. Days like that are horrible. Been there, done that.......
I will also try the book mentioned below. Looks really useful
I think it looks like you are coping quite well though. Good luck!

Biddulph! The man's name is Steve Biddulph _ I knew I'd remember eventually.....