How do you deal with whinging?

[frannyandzooey]

I swear ds has not stopped whinging all day. It drives me mad. Dp is home now, and ds is talking in a pleasant normal voice, so I realise it was probably something I was doing to cause the whining, but how do you stop it? I know you are meant to ignore annoying behaviour but it just escalates and he very quickly ends up in tears if ignored. He's 2.5, and very articulate.

I do tell her to stop whinging. I say Mummy doesn't understand whinging, please talk normally and I will answer you. I also tell her that the lady at nursery won't let you go if you whinge and only children who don't whinge can go. As she is desperate to go to nursery in January she soon shuts up.

Ds whinges a lot particularly at nursery. I asked him why and he said cos I like whinging!
They know it drives you mad. He kind of mumbles at the same time and now I refuse to even respond until I can tell what he's saying.

serenity - that is perfect whinging is torture!

If the SAS ever need to crack someone but them in a room with my whinging DD!

How to cope with it? I am hoping to get some tips.......I'm just hoping whinging now doesn't mature into teenage strops!

Some classic lines on this thread. I have been laughing at "Willy Whingebag" and "cos I like whinging".

However Twiglett's line "I have never allowed any child to whinge in the lounge" is the best and has had me smirking all day.

I am going to try a combination of the Willy Whingebag, and "if you want to whinge go and do it in the hallway" - love Twiglett's comments too !

twiglett - your aren?t that woman off the telly are you? The one that does the house of tiny tearaways?? Your ideas are always so sensible and practical. You don?t fancy coming to my house and getting me back on an even keel with my 2 yr old whingy, clingy little girl do you??
I lovefrannyandzooey?s idea - I think I need two steps. One whingy/naughty step for DD2 and one "calm down you are being a horrid mum now" step for me

I don't know, I am not 100% sure about the whole step thing. I wouldn't be too pleased if when dp came home and I whinged on about my day, he put me on some ruddy step "until you are ready to talk in a nice voice again". I want sympathy and comfort when I feel hard done by, why don't our children deserve the same?

Having said that, I do feel homicidal when I hear the whinging so something has to be done. Maybe I will try a combination of distraction and humour.

F&Z... do you whinge in a high pitched irritating voice though? If so, then your DH probably would have every right to sit you on the step

I find that I can cope with general whinging if it is said properly.

My dh walks away if I whinge - and you know what it works. Talking nicely is such a common courtesy. You need to find a compromise that suits you both.

I used to give ds a boring cuddle (no talking, just a cuddle until he finds something better to do. Maybe you could try that.

Flamesparrow, I'm not sure, I will ask him

Bobby, if dp walked off while I was talking to him, he would find a saucepan following him. I like the 'boring' cuddle suggestion, would probably calm us both down.

I never think of whinging as being anything to do with being sad, I think it's more about demanding stuff in a hard-done-by way.
Or maybe our kids all have different whinging ways?

I have dealt with whinging by both screaming back " STop that moaning!!" (she says it to me now if i start on about something!) or ignoring, neither have worked.
F&Z I have felt the same way, worrying about teaching a child it's only ok to be happy, but tbh i have come to the conclusion that it's clear when dd is genuinely upset, and that the persistent whinging is an attempt at manipulation and because she knows it bugs me. It's funny though cos I've never ever given in to anything and given her what she wants, at least not once i've said no...so i don't know why it continues...

Rather than give a negative command (stop whingeing), try giving a positive one - eg "tell me again but this time use your proper [ds name] voice" - accompanied by an encouaging smile. If he continues to whinge, say, "aw, that's a shame ds, I can't understand you when you speak in that voice, only when you speak in your [ds name] voice." As soon as he starts to speak properly, smile at him and give him full eye contact, then respond with "well done!". This worked a treat with my dds at this age (still use a version of this technique on dd2 when necessary).

Like that one, Miaow, thank you!

I use the same method as Miaou with my dd2. I always start with 'Mummy can't understand what your saying when you whinge. So mummy can help, you need to talk to me in your normal voice.' Then i give her a minute or two in which she usually calms down.
I also have a designated whinge zone commonly know as the hall . If asking doesn't work I then tell her that she has a choice, if she would like to whinge she can do so in the hall only if she wants to stay in the room with me she must stop or she will get a time out. It seems to have done the trick. The only time I have to resort to time outs now is if she is very, very tired.

frannyandzooey (love your name btw), I've been thinking more about this overnight, particularly your comment that ds confuses whingeing with sadness and you don't want to teach him that he can only communicate with you if he's happy. I agree with what has been said here, whingeing is "quiet tantrumming" (love that phrase!), it's attention-seeking for no particular reason. If you don't want to go down the punishment route, you can do the positive route (praise the absence of whingeing). But also, bear in mind that you are not asking him to stop being sad (if indeed he is), just to alter his way of communicating it to you. By asking him to repeat what he said in his ordinary voice, you aren't asking him to be happy, and you are asking him to repeat, ie "I am still interested in what you have to say". Hope this helps and isn't too garbled.

Miaou, thanks for all your thoughts. That's great and very reassuring. I like it being a positive message rather than a punishment. I get the feeling more and more, that actual pre-meditated punishments are a bit cack. I am not convinced they genuinely teach children how to be happy and pleasant members of society - more that if someone bigger than you doesn't like what you're doing, they can do what they like to stop you doing it.

Franny, are you sure your DS is doing real Whinging? My dd is just 3 and has never done that awful water torture whiny voice thing. BUT she does talk in a small whimpery voice if something's wrong. She also does that 'I'm happy now' with a totally tear-stained face that you mentioned. I think you're right to question whether to send a child to its room IF its expressing sadness or frustration. IF your ds is deliberately winding you up / trying to get an effect that's a different thing.

And only you know the answer.

Twiglett, do you allow whinging in other rooms in the house?