Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do you deal with whinging?

43 replies

frannyandzooey · 22/11/2005 19:43

I swear ds has not stopped whinging all day. It drives me mad. Dp is home now, and ds is talking in a pleasant normal voice, so I realise it was probably something I was doing to cause the whining, but how do you stop it? I know you are meant to ignore annoying behaviour but it just escalates and he very quickly ends up in tears if ignored. He's 2.5, and very articulate.

OP posts:

strawberry · 22/11/2005 20:07

I say that I can't understand a word he's saying and get him to repeat in a nicer voice. At the same time I am walking away to kind of 'do the ignoring' bit too.

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 22/11/2005 21:18

Thanks, I'll try saying "I can't understand you". Are there certain types of situation that set off whinginess in your experience? I don't know what on earth it was that made today such a nightmare, but I'd definitely like to avoid it again if at all possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 07:51

Bump for the morning crowd as I really am hoping for some advice on this. Sorry if it was a bit dull, I will add some bits about Robbie Williams and Jordan next time...

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/11/2005 07:57

in exactly the same way I deal with a tantrum

I have a whingy step (which is the same as the naughty step) and I time it out with toddlers. Whinging and whining is manipulation just as a tantrum is and the fact it ends in tears is just frustration that he isn't getting his own way.

As he's got older (he's now 4.9 and yes can occasionally whine and whinge) I refuse to understand anything at all said in a whingy or whiny voice

I have never allowed any child to whinge in the lounge

Twiglett · 23/11/2005 07:59

you can't 'avoid whinging' you just have to totally deny any impact of it

in the mid 2's they do tend IME to go a bit whiny .. it is only the children who get a result that continue to do it .. again IME and IMHO (enough codacils there? )

Twiglett · 23/11/2005 07:59

any impact from it

bobbybob · 23/11/2005 08:03

I say, "you sound unhappy - why don't you have a lie down until you sound happy". Sometimes he really needs the lie down and will take himself, or drop dramatically to the floor whilst holding a cushion. Other times I have to take him if he ignores my request. He chooses his own time to come back. I have only had to take him back on one occasion when nosiness got the better of him before the whinge was completely out of his system.

Persistence is an important trait for toddlers or else they would never learn all the skills they need. Ignoring is an important parental skill. However ignoring persistent whinging IME just leads to louder persistent whinging.

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 08:05

Ok, so you say "You are whinging, so you must go on the naughty step"? Talk me through in words of one syllable, please...we have not 'done' discipline very much in this house yet....

OP posts:

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 08:07

Sorry, that was to Twiglett. Bobby, I agree about it just getting louder. I have said to him I don't like that way of talking but am worried about him thinking I only like him when he is happy (it's often true, but I don't want him to know that ). He tends to go off by himself and then come back saying "I'm happy now Mummy" with tears in his eyes, which makes me feel dreadful.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/11/2005 08:08

um "No whinging in my/our house .. sit here till you calm down please"

carry him to step (or place) and walk away

if he moves say "sit down please and calm down"

2.5 minutes is what they say for this age-group but I've always just waited till they calmed down and then given lots of praise for the act of calming "thank you for calming down, that's a good boy, now lets go and have some fun..."

HTH

(of course in reality its paraphrased)

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 08:11

Twiglett, it all sounds v calm and reasonable. So you think yelling "I can't stand any more of this whinging, I am going round the twist" would be, shall we say, not quite so effective?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/11/2005 08:14

no that's fine too .. so long as you are walking away from him at the time

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 08:17

I think it might work better if I went and sat on the step till I calmed down, to be honest.

OP posts:

bobbybob · 23/11/2005 08:24

We have worked out this system where Bob goes away (mostly by himself) to his room and lies on his bed, but he lies on the floor if he has shoes on (such a good child). We have also worked out that sometime he will calm down literally immediately, and sometimes it will take a couple of minutes and that he is the best at making that decision.

Coming back covered in tears and saying "I'm happy now mummy" is a good sign. It proves he understands the rule.

throckenholt · 23/11/2005 08:33

frannyandzooey - my approach of yelling "stop whinging" probably isn't the best either .

I do sometimes whinge back at them - ie - I can't understand you when you talk like this - said in an an ultra whingy voice - sometimes works

PandaBear · 23/11/2005 08:43

I always say to DD1, "take the whine out of your voice, I can't hear you when you whine" and then purposefully talk and play with DD2 until she stops! Mean, but it seems to work with her.

Michaelangelo · 23/11/2005 08:55

I too use the "I can't understand what you are saying" tack, a couple of weeks ago DS (3) was very whiney so we addeda reward to his sticker chart if he had asked for things nicely without using the whiney voice, seems to have worked he's whineing a lot less.

geranium · 23/11/2005 09:00

I use the irratating adult assumption of tiredness. "You're obviously very tired. I don't think we had better do X or Y today. We'll just go upstairs and have a rest". Ds can't resist challenging the assumption that he might be tired and, usually, calms down although I might have to say it more than once sometimes. Once he's calmed down, I explain I didn't like the whining/couldn't understand it and ask him to explain what the problem was (unless it is obviously boredom/tiredness).

colditz · 23/11/2005 12:26

I have to learn to deal with this. I can cope with violent tantrums and persistant naughtiness, but whinging? My response, TBH, is not what I should be doing. I usually try to talk over the top of him, then shout "For God's sake will you stop that horrible noise NOW!!"

i will be using some of the tips here.....

Original poster

frannyandzooey · 23/11/2005 12:45

I do worry though, that I am teaching him it is only acceptable to be happy. I think he confuses whinginess with sadness, and I don't want him to think he has to go away by himself when he's feeling sad. It's all very difficult.

He has been quite nice today and (mostly) asked for things politely so far. I think my having a meltdown yesterday had some positive effect after all...

OP posts:

serenity · 23/11/2005 12:58

If you think of whinging as quiet tantruming it's easier to deal with, so they're not being sad just sneaky . DS2 is 5 and is driving me barmy with it atm, like the others I just tell him I can't understand that voice, and to go away and come back again when he can speak properly.

Obviously when I'm tired it does tend to degenerate into ' FGS you're going to make my head explode PLEASE STOP MAKING THAT NOISE!!!!!!' I think I prefer tantrums, whinging is psycological torture....

bobbybob · 23/11/2005 18:01

Please stop worrying that you are saying you only like him when he is nice, you are teaching him that if you ask nicely then you have more success in life than if you make a horrible, irritating noise. A valuable lesson - nobody likes a whinger!

Elibean · 23/11/2005 18:59

F&Z, perhaps its possible to discourage whingeing (ie a whiney voice) without implying that 'happy' is the only acceptable alternative? DD's not at the true whingey stage yet (23 months)so I don't have experience, but she IS learning to say she's angry rather than throw toys or hit. Hmm, might have to try out some techniques on DH next time he has a cold

aloha · 23/11/2005 19:12

I confess that I too have succumbed to the Harpy-like shrieking of STOP WHINGEING! but I have found the introduction of a character called Willy Whingebag quite effective. If ds whinges I say, quite brightly, 'Oh no! It's that awful Willy Whingebag! I can hear him quite clearly.' Then look around, mystified. 'But there's only ds here! How odd. I was sure I heard Willy Whingebag and I can't stand him! Oh, there he is again!" etc. This usually makes ds giggle and shakes him out of it.

Alternatively, for minor whingeing, 'I cannot understand a word you are saying. Nope, still can't understand you. Could you say that in a nice voice please?' also works.

Elibean · 23/11/2005 19:51

LOL, Aloha, Willy Whingebag must be the long lost cousin of DD's Wilou Monster....('Wilou wilou' being, for some bizarre reason, the sound she makes when frustrated and verging on tantrummy). DD now has a tendency to lie on the ground and shriek with laughter when we look for the Wilou Monster....

Flip

1 2