Am I failing as a Mum?

[poptartpoptart]

DS is 7. He lives with me but goes to stay with his dad every Friday night after school and every other weekend for the whole weekend.

He loves his dad and they have a great relationship, which I am happy about for both their sakes - even though me and EH do not have a good relationship because of a lot of things that have happened in the past. We are civil but that's about all and both of us are happy with this arrangement.

EH disney parents DS completely. I do understand why to an extent, even though I feel it is a little irresponsible of him at times.

Anyway, the point I am getting to is that I feel really upset because DS will often say things like, 'I wish I could live with my Daddy', and it's always, 'My Daddy this and My Daddy that'.

He often says things in the car like 'My Daddy took me to that park / swimming pool / theme park' etc. And when I say, 'yes, and do you remember when we went here / there / did this together' he doesn't seem to say anything.

I feel totally deflated and unappreciated (not that I want appreciation from DS for being his mum, but you know what I mean). I feel that I do my best to love him, play with him, give him nice things and days out to the park etc, aswell as all the mundane daily routine of things that have to be done, making his school lunches, etc, but all he ever remembers is what his Dad does with him.

I know it's not a competition, but I can't help but feel a little hurt.

Has anyone any experience of this or any advice please?

I am a single parent of DD who is now 13. She saw her dad regularly and was just the same. She completely idolised him and would often say that she wanted to go and live with him. I am afraid that you just have to accept it.

Your son will grow up/out of it eventually. My daughter is much more measured now. Sometimes my daughter would do it to wind me up or because she was cross with me -but she was often looking for reassurance. I told her firmly that she was living with me and nothing would change that, it was a joint decision etc. If the child thinks that they can choose whom to live with it will cause more trouble.

Your DS may be watching your reaction when he says these things- so dont react, except to be positive and say how good it is that they have a good relationship.

My DS would cry every time she left her dads -she still does, in fact.

I was never rude about her dad or put him down. And now she has an excellent relationship with us both -so I believe that it will pay off.

Of course the non-resident parent is going to get any easy time- have lots of fun with little responsibility. There is very little you can do to change it- just be thankful that they have a good functional relationship. Complain to your friends -but not to your child about it.

Hopefully you will find that this situation is extremely common.

you are certainly not failing as a mum poptart!! you sound like a wonderful mother. i think it makes perfect sense you son is reacting like this, his time with his dad is a bit more of a novelty so bound to seem more interesting - its is not a reflection of his love for you at all. i understand it must be hurtful, but like climate girl ways, keep remaining positive- it will even itself out. well done!!

It may be worth asking your EH whether he talks about you while he's there? Talking about his dad to you may be his way of trying to have both of you present.

In short - no!
His dad is probably a novelty if he doesn't see him every single day

Complete non-expert here, but it sounds to me like he wants reassurance that his daddy loves him, even though he's moved out. I wonder if you reinforcing that could help? - "Yes, darling, your daddy loves you very much, like I do! You have to live with me, and I'm very pleased because I love you very much, but daddy and you miss each other which is why he takes you to the park/ zoo/ blah, so you can remeber how much he loves you when he's not there". I don't think your parenting is in doubt and I think what he is expressing is security in your love but questions over EH's. FWIW

Hi I have two sons age 9 and 13. I separated my my ex 2 years ago. We were not married. My 13 year old is being very unreasonable and staying up at his dads after an argument at xmas which was really nothing over xbox etc. His dad i think should now be telling him to come back home enough is enough but seems to be enjoying orchestrating the whole thing and will not tell him to do so as he is "emotionally traumatised". I have done everything for my sons during our separation financially emotionally etc. His father is telling me now he wants to live up there with him. I am extremely hurt at my son's actions who I saw on Wed and he appeared to want to fix things up with me. We had a good time and he said he would come this Friday/Sat to stay with me and his brother. Now his dad seems to think he won't. I feel like I have absolutely no control over this situation. His dad of course has told him now he's 13 he has a say in the matter. In my eyes he is not old enough to make this decision and should be with me and his brother together and then the boys see their dad together. Please has anyone else gone through similar? I'm at my wit's end.

My parents are still together but mum stayed at home with us everyday except saturday when she went to work and dad looked after us. I'm 36 now and can still remember how he used to cook us sausages for lunch and made faces with eggs and toast. Can't for the life of me recall what mum ever gave us for lunch. Its the novelty thing and when he is older he will understand this. Your ex (and all NRP) are in a difficult position here because of course they want to make the most of the time and if they just got the DCs to sit there while they hoovered / cleaned the bathroom etc they would be theads on here about them not making an effort. I am sure it must be hard to hear and you have my sympathies but it sound's like you and your ex have a good co-parenting arrangement and are both very interested in your DS so from what I read on some threads about NRP I would count my blessings!