Been ticked off by headmistress

[marytuda]

because my DS has dropped out of preschool. He simply refuses to go, has done so now for weeks. I have been in constant contact with his key worker but she has only just broken the news to the head. Today I was hauled before her and required to account for myself.
As if it was my choice! On the one hand his kw insists I do not force him, on the other hand the head insists he attend again from next week. I nodded obediently, said I would try, knowing full well the only way I will get him there again is by using brute force. Bribes do not work. It is a good preschool and he was fine there for two terms, but now he really really does not want to go.
Headmistress says: a) I've relinquished control to DS, letting him decide whether or not to go b) I'm setting up a dangerous precedent for school c) & if you think I'm being hard on you, just wait and see how they react to absences in school proper. All mixed up with suitable "Oh I know it's hard" and "We're on your side, really" and "Thank you SO much for coming to see us," but still no disguising the giste of her message.
Worth pointing out that she doesn't know my child as individual. Key worker does, of course.
But kw, partly maybe because of prolonged absence of her own through illness, has not managed to connect to DS. He didn't talk to her or anyone, much, even when he was quite happy to go. He made no friends - that for sure would make all the difference.
He has, on the other hand, become passionately attached to two girls in our street aged 7 & 8, completely off own bat. He forms similar passionate attachments in playgrounds. I know he wants to make friends.
I have a sense here that I may have let him down - I've never managed to do playdates & am not part of any mothers' circle (being very shy, very old, very middle-class but very poor, I suppose). I don't mind for myself - there's always mumsnet! - but am sorry for the way inevitably it impacts on DS.
Now I'm caught in one of those parenting binds when instinct fails & you know there is any amount of conflicting advice out there. What do you do if your child hates/refuses school - at any age? Say "Tough. It's the law" or immediately consider home schooling? (Or private school, if you can afford it.) Any thoughts/experiences gratefully received.

Agree with everyone else, why force him? 5 weeks is nothing. You're the mum not the headmistress, do what you think is right.

Some very thoughtful contributions there - many thanks. I think sims2fan has got it about right when she says for quiet children preschool is too stressful. My DS needs to be able to quietly get on with whatever is absorbing him without fearing interruptions or having to defend his territory. That is what he is like when he settles to anything and I am hopeful that he will enjoy school more.
But I'm puzzled too why it took him so long to react this way - as I said, he has been attending preschool since last Sept quite willingly. I've come up with 3 possibilities.
a) Keyworker says a lot of children get stressed/impatient in final weeks as they both can't wait and fear moving on.
b) He has realised that some kids can't be trusted at all. For a long time before actually resisting he was mentioning the name of a large, noisy boy at preschool (with SEN) he was afraid of. I did pass it on to kw, but as DS was not refusing to go at that point, I didn't consider it serious. Now I wonder.
c) His lovely new friends next door. The start of a thrilling social life with neighbouring schoolchildren exactly coincided with the start of his resistance to preschool. As an only child, at first the sociability of preschool made up for the frustrations of it, but now his neighbours give him all the social life he thinks he needs.
As to what to do next, yes, I would love him to be able to finish the term "properly", I do like the kw and many things about the place - but none of that is worth big, unhappy scenes. I persuaded him to go on Monday, the kw spent the whole morning with him, got him to call me at 11am, said when I collected him at noon they had had a lovely time, to which he nodded - but still no way was he going back on Tuesday. I can't, physically, wrestle with him every day, much as I do, incidentally, relish the hours to myself (don't work formally but am writer constantly trying to make progress . . .) So I expect he will end up spending most of rest of summer with me. . .

I wouldn't force him to go every day and possibly if you still want to take him maybe take him in later so he isn't in for the whole session when he does go.

My ds really struggled with pre-school, had his own one to one support and only went three days a week, and I still worry about and regret forcing him to go. He is fine and settled at school now, but I agree with people who say trust your instinct and support your child.

Another option would be to suggest you stay with him for a session, but not to tell him that you are there for him, but to read/do an activity (I went in to help with library once a week) with all the children - this gives you the opportunity to observe your ds and maybe figure out where the problem stems from, but it is also re-assuring for your ds. I realise the nursery might not agree to this but if they are serious about getting your ds to settle then that is what I would want to do.