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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Does anyone else have a high needs toddler?

38 replies

EauRouge · 20/06/2011 15:55

I'm feeling exhausted and I need to feel like I'm not the only one!

DD1 is 2.8yo. She has always been quite highly strung, she's never slept through the night, she is an incredibly fussy eater and she needs entertaining constantly. I love her to bits, she's very sweet and loving but she's very intensive. I don't want to do any kind of CIO/CC, naughty step or sticker chart with her as it's not my style.

At the moment she's going through a hitting/pushing phase which is quite stressful. I've stopped going to playgroup for the time being and tried to take her to places where she can let off some steam. I think she is feeling a bit insecure after the arrival of DD2. She loves her little sister and is fine with her but she has definitely become more easily upset since she arrived and scared of things that she used to love like dogs, insects etc.

Pleeease, is there anyone out there that is going through the same thing or something similar? Is there a support group I can join?

OP posts:

Gilberte · 21/06/2011 11:59

Meant to say I have a high needs pre-schooler(3.5 yrs)

Indigojohn · 21/06/2011 14:22

One of my three is more tricky than the other two but like smashing says, boundaries, firmness, consequences etc mean that he copes very well at school and on general.

cory · 21/06/2011 21:05

Do we actually know that the OP has no boundaries? Just because she doesn't use a sticker chart? There are other ways of establishing boundaries iirc.

Gilberte · 22/06/2011 12:04

Agree with Cory. Contrary to what people might think UP does not mean "anything goes".

Anchorwoman · 22/06/2011 13:24

EauRouge, I'm also feeling exhausted with DS, 2.5 and struggling to find a consistent way of dealing with his needs. Just wanted to say though that I would try to keep going to playgroups if you can.

I was tempted to take DS out of his a couple of months ago as it just seemed like I was the only one hovering permanently 2 inches away from their child while other parents relaxed and chatted, for I lived in fear of him taking a hearty swipe at some poor innocent. I thought we were both supposed to have fun at these sessions and they were just an ordeal. However toddlers are quite good at regulating each others behaviour and a couple of times DS had his toy snatched away and was bopped on the head with it by another feisty individual, which I think was quite a good thing. Also I think it was important for him to know that he has to function around other kids in a way that is acceptible to all, and me constantly hauling him out into the corridor for him to calm down in between incidents did eventually work as he hated being taken away from the fun. Even though I felt like the only one doing it at the time!

octocompass · 22/06/2011 22:54

Just to say, EauRouge, for encouragement's sake, that such 'high-needs' toddlers as yours can get easier. My dd was just like yours, but now, at nearly 4 and a half, she sleeps through the night, is trying a lot of new foods and occupies herself pretty well sometimes. She is still what you would call highly strung, but those three things have definitely improved. And tbh I think that has much more to do with time, with her growing up a bit, than with my parenting. (I have done some reward charts, but never CC or naughty step).

MaisieMama · 23/06/2011 05:46

I don't have tons of suggestions (only commiseration!) but I read 1,2,3 Magic and found it really really helpful. I like it as it gives DD a chance to correct her behaviour and me a chance to explain but also has consequences. Most days now I never get passed "2"

TheRealMBJ · 23/06/2011 06:06

This might be helpful, Eau

dycey · 23/06/2011 07:23

I don't like cc/CIO naughty steps or sticker charts either... They remind me too much of school. And I am a teacher who does use them at work! Just think that you can do things differently at home. Firm and fair... Not endlessly reasoning but trying to explain things a bit. Though there are always boundaries.

And I was brought up v firmly by a strict but fair mother who never used any of them...

dycey · 23/06/2011 07:25

Sorry OP that wasn't much use - more of a reply to the initial replies you got....

cory · 23/06/2011 08:53

I don't see why people have to assume that not using these three particular (and fairly new fangled) methods of discipline has to amount to fullblown UP, let alone no boundaries at all. The OP hasn't said.

socialhandgrenade · 23/06/2011 09:29

Haven't read whole thread as have my own "high needs" toddler 2.9 months (I prefer to call him spirited, although naughty is more accurate!) to manage. apologies if these have been mentioned
A couple of ideas: naming feelings. I have videod DS on my phone having a paddy and played it back to him at another time when we were looking through all the photos on my phone. He completely cracked up laughing and I explained that "he was being grumpy". Now if I tell him he is being a grump, then it sometimes will make him stop. When he hits (me or DH) I ask him if he is angry, he often says yes. I then tell him it's ok to say you feel angry, but not to hit.
Also - are you able to give your DD some regular 1:1 time? I know it can be tricky. I look after a friend's baby (12 months) from 4-5.30 one day a week so she can have 1:1 with her DS (3.1) who can be a handful.
Just some ideas, got to get back to my own little tyrant as "show me show me" has just finished

Original poster

EauRouge · 23/06/2011 11:24

Thanks all for the suggestions.

Just to clarify, yes we do have boundaries- she does not run riot scribbling on the walls and no I don't endlessly explain things. I find saying "we don't hit, hitting hurts and makes people sad" is enough for her to cope with and more constructive than just saying "no, that's naughty" without explaining why. I don't want her to just do as I say, I want her to learn why she should behave a certain way. I know that might seem soft to some people but that's the way I was brought up so it's what I'm used to.

We also do have a bedtime routine of sorts, it's not always at exactly the same time, but a similar time and we always do things in the same order. Maybe I should have been more clear in my OP.

I've ordered a couple of books that I think might be helpful (Raising Your Spirited Child and I forget what the other one was) and I will continue to repeat "it's just a phase, it's just a phase"

I am going to try to get more one to one time with her, it is tricky at the moment as I'm BF DD2 so can't be away from her for long periods of time. But I do need to put more effort in there, I think.

Thanks for the tip about naming feelings socialhandgrenade (great name btw), I just got her a book about feelings and she likes pointing out the different faces in there. Videoing it is a great idea though.

I think that what I'm doing could be fairly similar to UP, it seems to be a bit misunderstood though. I do say NO to DD1 if she is doing something dangerous like trying to leg it through the car park but I think 'no' can lose its value if you use it too much.

Thanks for the comments from fellow parents of high need toddlers, your sympathy is very gratefully received!

OP posts:

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