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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4y old 'not listening'

18 replies

mousymouse · 18/06/2011 14:24

ds is 4.5y and atm a bit challenging.
disobeying our house rules, for example no sofa cushions on the floor, no toys in the kitchen...
and also cornering dd (18m) against a wall and not backing off if she potests, taking her toys away, giving her one of his toys only to snatch it right away resulting in a fight.
he has always been a dreamer and has to be 'woken up' so I could talk to him, but now it seems different. when I intervene he (pretends?) doesn't listen and get really angry with me if I physically (gently) have to remove him to avoid him really hurting dd.
both get plenty of excercise outside every day and I usually distract them with going outside, riding bikes etc when it gets too bad.
any advice?
hope it is just a phase...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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girlscout · 18/06/2011 20:28

Is he like this when other sdults are about, does he hear them?

I know what you mean when you say a bit of a dreamer,interested to see if anyone else has any insight.

Original poster

mousymouse · 18/06/2011 20:47

he is the same with dh, apparently at nursery he is very gentle and attentive...

OP posts:

Tgger · 18/06/2011 22:01

No advice, but sympathy as my lovely 4.5 year old is going through a really aggressive phase with his sister (2.5), and with me too sometimes .

He has been really pushing his boundaries recently. He has also developed quite a good arguing style (grrrrr!) I am now being stricter and asserting my authority... you do it because I say so should be enough, or "no", not "no if you agree with my reasoning".

It's tedious but I put him in his room every time he hurts his sister now- or doesn't stop when I intervene, I hope that this zero tolerance will get the message across. He doesn't really understand that she can't play like him- she does play a bit with him now, but can't play with him in the way that other 4 year olds can. Of course this is majorly frustrating for him, but no excuse for violence!

We are going to start a sticker chart too to encourage the good and dissuade the bad.

ttalloo · 18/06/2011 22:10

It's not just my DS1 (4.4 years), who's doing this then! He's being impossible at the moment - keeps doing absolutely random 'naughty' things, like licking a bowl of strawberries that was sitting on the worktop, blowing flour all over the place, kicking his ball in the kitchen, and then doing them again and again even once he's been told to stop. He lashes out at me and DS2 (2.8 years) when he gets angry, but not too hard as DS2 is a far tougher cookie than DS1, and will fight back if he's provoked.

Reasoning with DS1 gets me nowhere, and I find that I am shouting so many times over the course of the day that I hate the sound of my own voice.

I've been thinking of doing a sticker chart, though, but I'm not sure how to go about it. What are you doing Tgger?

Original poster

mousymouse · 18/06/2011 22:13

oh, we have the arguments about the "no means no and not yes if you disagree". and yes he talk back and what is worse he copies me! (and omg I sound like my mother)
he is physically so much stronger than dd which sometimes comes as a surprise to him, I think.

OP posts:

HipHopOpotomus · 19/06/2011 00:47

How is the eye contact? I find it's now imperative to have good eye contact wit dd when we are talking about behavioural stuff - I make sure we are looking at each other and often crouch down to have 'the talk'. I think young kids can just zone everything they don't want to hear out, but getting that eye contact makes a big difference in connection, understanding and overall communication.

Original poster

mousymouse · 19/06/2011 08:12

he squirms awau from eye contact. I get down to his level, but need to hold him so I can force eye contact.

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Frawli · 19/06/2011 23:40

It's not just you. Earlier this eve I was asking DS (4.4) why he was ignoring us. He said it was because he didn't want do to what we said, simple but very annoying! I tried to explain to him that if he doesn't do what is asked then all that will happen is that we will get cross, but I imagine that will have gone in one ear and out of the other. He also doesn't like eye contact when he is being naughty.

I don't think he knows why he's being naughty, some of the things he's done are seemingly random. Other acts seem to be just envy at whatever his little sister has.

If anybody has any good advice please share it! I don't want to be cross, shouty mummy, but it seems to be the only approach that works unfortunately :(

SouthStar · 20/06/2011 00:40

My ds (3 yrs 7m) is the same with my dd (2yr 6m) at the moment. And now she is at that age where she is starting to think that is how things are done so is copying him.

Yet when it comes to bed time they could play together perfectly for hours, its truly amazing.

With my ds we have two options, naughty step or the chill out chair depending on what he has done. If he is on the naughty step, like yesterday I caught him about to bite his sister. He will do his 3 minutes but will not be allowed off untill he looks me in the eyes. He then has to explain to me why I have put him on the naughty step and he will then go and give his sister a hug and a kiss and say sorry.

Have you tried giving him abit more responsibility with your dd. Just little things like making her up some juice or helping feed her.

I got into a bad habbit of when it came to the house rules, like you, no toys in the kitchen. I would tell ds or dd "you know your not allowed toys in here, take them out please". But i hadnt told them why, I had in the past but its easily forgotten. So the kids didnt truly understand some of the house rules because I had explained to them why they were there and what could happen etc. Once it was fresh in their minds it made alot of difference. Altho I had my dd annoyingly saying the word dangerous every 5 mins for 3 weeks!!!

Tgger · 20/06/2011 21:25

I'll let you know with the sticker chart when I've got it going . So far have bought the stickers- step 1! Step 2, work out the chart.

MavisGrind · 20/06/2011 21:31

Another one here with a ds prone to selective deafness. I got as far as taking him to the doctors to have his hearing checked however it was all fine - he's just being a 5 year old!

I've tried pushing for eye-contact when he needs to listen and will follow this thread with interest to see how the sticker chart goes.

Sorry, not much help but you're not alone!

DontNickMyMilk · 20/06/2011 21:35

I have DD with selective deafness. It is normal to have to ask her to do something four times. And as for the words "no" and "stop" I'm beginning to think they are not in her hearing range. She's 3yr 10mth. I have been one step away from a hearing test too - glad its not just me Mavis

DontNickMyMilk · 20/06/2011 21:37

I've also been know to try speaking to her in French, becuase she certainly doesn't understand English some days. This did backfire a little on one of my bad shouty mummy days when I asked her exasperatedly "Don't you understand English?" Her answer? "Bonjour".

Original poster

mousymouse · 20/06/2011 21:55

after reading all this, I conclude that he is perfectly normal
I know that his hearing is fine, had it tested because he was a late talker.
will try to be more relaxed and intervene earlier, maybe distraction works as well with as with a toddler .

OP posts:

omaoma · 20/06/2011 22:01

dont' have a ds but recall being told they have a big testosterone surge at around 4, if that's indeed true could it have anything to do with upping the aggressive/lairy behaviour?

MavisGrind · 20/06/2011 22:10

omaoma - I've noticed that ds1 is a lot more aggressive in the last 6 months and am putting it down to testosterone surge. I think this may be being played down now though so don't know what I'm going to peg his behaviour on to

fromheretomaternity · 20/06/2011 22:16

We are having similar problems with my 3yo DS - pushing over his 7 month old baby brother, pushing and aggression with other kids. Naughty step seems to hold no fear, and when I get down to his level to talk, he looks away or shuts his eyes. I do think there's something hormonal going on.

Got really exasperated tonight (partly my own lack of sleep) and ended up shutting him on his own in his room after another pushing his baby brother yet again despite repeated warnings. That seemed to impress on him that I was serious. But would love to find a better way to deal with it.

Have just borrowed 'The no cry discipline solution' from the library - I like her approach / philosophy so will be combing through over the next few days to get some ideas.

25goingon95 · 21/06/2011 10:09

Oh i think my 5yo DD is having a testosterone surge as well then because she is behaving like this too!!! No, its not funny really my DD is being a right pain. She is horribly mean to her 18mo sister at times. She doesn't listen to us and sticks her fingers in her ears. She disobeys house rules but ive just read further up the thread about explaining again why the rules are in place rather than just saying them over and over. I will do that again with her. Also i think i will try and give my DD more responsability with baby DD.

She just does random naughty things and i don't understand it. Once she does something that annoys me were off again into a negative cycle of her being naughty and me shouting!

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