Any family but their own

[Tigermoth]

My 2 year old is following in my older son's footsteps. Namely running towards and shamelessly gatecrashing other groups when we are out.

All summer on countless beach and park trips, I spent huge amounts of time running after my escaping toddler and coaxing him away from his latest new family.

Just like my oldest son, (now grown out of this behaviour, mostly, being a 'cool' 7 year old), my youngest will visit every group he can see, preferably ones with children, food and toys on display. He'll invade their body space (has been known to plonk himself on new mother's lap), introduce himself, very pointedly indicate that yes, he'd love a biscuit or some crisps, help himself if they are slow on the uptake, and grab any toys he fancies.

Time and time again I find myself breaking up these bemused family groups, apologising, taking my cuckoo back to his nest and trying to distract him as I see his eyes fall on yet another hapless family in the near distance.

Does this party animal behaviour ring bells with anyone else? Do you resent or welcome other children joining your group?

I often feel I am being uptight over nothing, breaking up a happy party, my toddler playing with another new child. But even when the parent says 'it's Ok they're fine' how do I know they are not saying this through gritted teeth?

Should you reinforce the idea of family boundaries and how it's not good manners to pester others, or just be happy that your toddler likes socialising so much?

Well speaking for myself Tigermoth, I think the behaviour you describe is extremely endearing and sweet. If a stray 2 year old landed in my lap and requested a biscuit, I would be only too delighted to oblige.

I would have thought that as long as your son is targeting family groups with children, there isn't a problem. If he started to approach unsmiling childless couples, it might be a different matter.

My happy go lucky 1 year old did this each time we landed on the beach this summer. I know that I didn't mind other children coming to us but I was quite paranoid about other people not wanting to be disturbed by him especially when he doesn't quite have the social graces of a toddler yet! It was a nice way of meeting some other people but I was always very conscious of being on my own with him (dh was on a course) and didn't want them to feel obliged to take me on as another stray waif as well (even if I am slightly more trained!).

I think Bells is right, Tigermoth - most parents would think it really sweet - I do when a little stranger comes and says hello.
Our son has just reached the delightful stage of accosting strangers in the street and asking them where they are going or what they are doing. And then he says "Why?" It's all done with a lot of saucer-eyed flirting and simpering, and that's what really embarrasses me. You always worry (well I do) that people think I've actively encouraged him to be so bold. But then, I would sooner have a friendly little guy than someone who really needs to be encouraged, so I'm not going to squash him down when he gets a boot-faced stare in reply. I think it's all part of the learning experience, provided a parent is nearby to explain the different responses.

The social graces of a toddler - ha ha! Harrysmum I also have the same 'stray waif' fear, especially if the new family have both mother and father present.

Bells, Yes I agree it's much more questionable when a toddler, however winsome, approaches a childless couple. Luckily this doesn't happen very often and I am quick to swoop down on him. There's a grey area however: when son approaches a family with either a tiny baby or much older children.

Marina, re: your point about squashing down. I think it can be difficut to find exactly the right words of caution anyway, without confusing your innocent toddler and causing possible distress.

Anyone found an answer to this?

Yes, my 18month old son has just started this too. We went to Drusillas Park last week (fantastic! and weather was perfect) and ds ran off to push his way between two boys a bit bigger than him who were peering through the glass of an enclosure. Their mothers smiled at him but the boys were not sure how to react at all and tried to push him away, but ds did not get the hint at all! I felt awkward, even though the parents 'seemed' to be OK about the little 'space' invader, but yes, I would be particularly concerned if ds decided to join an all-adult group, but then I don't want to squash his sense of adventure/confidence too much either.

I don't think it matters whether the couple are childless/childfree or not. There are times when you just don't want it.

Also, from a safety point without frightening him I always had to watch with Jack.

Ok Jbr, fair enough, but if a little child comes up to you when you don't want it, do you shoo them away - or do you tolerate it through gritted teeth until their parent comes to get them? and what do you tell your son?

I think as you watch the reaction of the people in the "invaded party", you can usually tell whether the welcome is genuine or through gritted teeth. Unless ds is being told off at the time, personally, I don't have a problem with gatecrashers - the more the merrier!

It is unfair to expect toddlers to have the manners to wait to be aasked before joining in - surely, walking in, uninvited, is part of their learning path in getting social skills.

All of the above is with the proviso that they know not to wander out of the parent's sight!

I think it's really sweet and not bad behaviour at all. Toddlers are just learning to get along with others and learning every day about aceptable behaviour. This summer I positively encouraged my daughter to play with others on the beach and to be more outgoing in that respect. It was a way of teaching her how to comunicate and to share. I can see your problem Tigermoth, that you are unsure if he is welcome or not, but gatecrashing other groups with kids, thats fine as long as your are aware and folowing up the rear (so to speak). You are then on hand incase they are not happy, but you are giving him a bit of freedom.

As you know by your older son's example, it's just a phase (toddler's parents mantra!)

Thanks guys! No squashing, then. Just continue to keep a watchful eye, mindful of his safey and the safety of others.

Sooooooo tiring constantly hovering backstage, never having a chance to switch off for five minutes, but that's toddlers for you. Hate this phase but what can you do - swaddle them? I think all of you are right about taking your cue from the parents of the gatecrashed group. And as you all say, social interaction techniques have to be learned.

Any more comments please add. Always ready to consider amending my view.