I really need help with my 9 yr old.

[shimba]

This is the first time ive posted on here and im really hoping someone can help me. if i give you the history first.....

my children and i have left my husband 2 months ago, moving to another town. so we are some where we don't know very well, in a new house and my 9yr old is in a new school. She has always had a temper, and the old school were aware of her behaviour at home (in school she is good as gold). i also have 2yr old twin girl and boy. There dad was stricked and a bit of a control freek. (which is one of the reasons that i left)

Jessica is just so angry all the time,
ie.. refusing to do what she is asked.
wont brush hair/teeth etc
is mean to the twins,
rude to me, shouting that she hates me.
When she came back from her dads yesterday, she was a little stroppy.
after she went to bed she came back down demanding that she had a bandage for a scratch on her had that she had done last week. i said no as it didnt need one. she went ape.... shouting, then kicking and pulling at my leg so i pushed her hand off me. she then said that i hit her and she went to her room. i tryed to talk to her but she was having no of it.
this morning she was still in a bad mood, she wouldn't get dressed, do hair etc. in the end she refused to eat any breakfast. im amazed i got her to school at all. but when at school i then couldn't get her into class and she had to be dragged off me.

im so upset, all i want is for her to be happy but shes so angry and taking it out on me.

what im asking is, how am i meant to handle this behaviour?
i really am very lost.

Sarah.

It sounds to me like your daughter is really hurting. Her parents have broken up and not only that but she has had to move to a new school, make new friends and her life as she knows it has been utterly turned upside down.

It is very common for children to act up in this scenario. Please don't be too hard on her. Can you acknowledge her hurt? Does she understand that you may have split but you both still love her, that it isn't her fault etc. Does she understand why you moved towns? Does she need some time with just the two of you? She might feel that the twins have each other and that she is now alone, you are no longer a family unit. Is there something you can do to make her feel special?

I think at this point she needs understanding from you, that said she still needs boundaries and firmness, it is no good going down the 'I feel so guilty so you can do what you like' route as that will have disastrous long term effects.

I know the school don't know her very well but have you spoken to them about how she is settling and behaving? Also they may have a school counsellor or someone she might like to talk to about her feelings.

I am sorry I have just posed many questions at you but I think these are all things for you to think about. I am sure others might have better more structured advice.

Oh and just as a tip it is better not to use real names as you may not want people to identify you. You can sign off using your user name and use DD1 for your first daughter and DD2 for your second. Some people don't mind being outed of course.

Oh, ok. Thank you.

I have talked to school and they said they will see if she will talk to the school nurse.

When I got her to say yes to breakfast this morning I asked her if she wanted me to put the milk in, she was fine but when I gave it to her and she noticed that I had put the sugar on, she went nuts! How am I surpassed to handle that?

At 9 I would put the breakfast stuff out on the table, she is quite able to help herself to cereal and whatever else she wants. it sounds like attention seeking to me.