i am fucking up my kids.

[BooyHoo]

i am doing exactly teh same as my mum did and i swore i would never do. my children aren't nusiances, they aren't getting in the way of my life so why am i treating them like they are? why do i get so stressed just trying to do the normal family things, when actually i am doing these things so that we can be happy? i shout every day, they cry every day and i cry most evenings. i hate myself. i swore i wouldn't be this parent. i swore it and i am doing it right now. my chidlren are re-living my childhood. teh only reason i am still alive now is because my mother worked full-time. i dont want to be her. i cant be her, i want my children to have good memories of feeling close to me, not feeling they have to get out from under my feet NOW!!!

i need to change. i need to re-wire my system and be a better type of parent. i dont want to shout or scold all teh time, i want to be able to go shopping without barking 100 times for teh same thing. i saw my friend's mum today and asked if she had any tips for me and she said "my children would have known better". what do i need to do? how do i make it so that being with my chidlren is a pleasant thing not a chore to endure. i am so sick of myself. i cant imagine how sick tehy are of me.

Book yourself an appt with the nurse in your surgery for a general health check, just to make sure you are not anaemic or anything like that.

Get some multi-vitamins to take - if you are not eating well you will lose essential vitamins and minerals which will make you feel low.

Put radio on first thing in the morning. Listening to music has a calming effect.

Set days for baths and see what toddler groups are in your area - even if you go out just once a week, it's an excuse to get out of the house. I hate to say it but netmums is good for local info.

For packed lunches, again this might seem a shameless link to my own site but www.packedlunchideas.com gives you lots of packed lunch ideas for them to take to school/nursery.

Book a treat for yourself once a month. So one month it might be a haircut, the next month a new top, the month after an evening out etc. You need to have something to look forward to.

Keep a diary of your thoughts and incidents where you lost your rag, then write down what you could have done differently. This will help you to change the way you view situations and focusing on alternative behaviour will help you the next time such an occasion arises.

Get some cheap paint and paint a wall in the house. Add a splash of colour and it's amazing what an effect it can have in transforming a tired old look into something fresh and welcoming.

Give yourself a break. Everyone goes through rough patches when all they seem to do is yell at the kids. I think it's a combination of you getting tired and run down and them going through difficult phases. Just make sure you always apologise to them and then forget about it because they sure as hell won't remember (unless it's my 10yr old dd who writes it all down in her diary to make me feel guilty!)

i got a tub of multivits yesterday but i was reading earlier and see that omega 3 can help with depression and i dont eat fish so i will put some of that (supplement) on my list.

good idea to have a health check.

There are loads of free things you can do with the kids. Museums, art galleries, a weekly cup of tea in a cafe, library (they have storytelling activities and events), play area in the park, picnic, a bus ride into town (kids love buses!) or just a walk in the countryside to collect leaves and flowers.

Agree with devoting Sunday evening to making sure that his uniform is ready, dinner money is ready, PE kit, bookbag etc. Each evening now I make sure that I know where their shoes are, coats, bags and uniforms as I know that if I have to search for them in the morning I'll go ape and it'll ruin the whole day.

Start filling your calendar up now with activities to do both with your dd and your ds and you will start to feel better.

Oh and don't spend too much time on Mumsnet otherwise the day will whizz by, you'll have got nothing done and will feel bloody grumpy when it comes to picking him up from school. So do switch off the pc and start re-ordering your life.

And best of luck!

"So do switch off the pc and start re-ordering your life."

my new daily mantra

I live with depression. It comes and goes. I have a strategy now and I cope with it fairly well. Although I still go through phases when I don't want to get out of bed/talk to anyone/eat anything and I can still have an unjustified rant at the kids over something trivial, but on the whole things are a lot happier and brighter since I started to put a bit of order in my life.

I left MN completely and started to make changes.

You can do it and you are so not like your mother - because you know things are wrong and you are taking steps to deal with it. That's what I remind myself all the time.

can i ask why leaving MN helped you? i find MN a great support, really great but as you say, teh time jsut whizzes by and before i know it the day is lost. is this why?

Yes. Mainly. I was getting involved in debates that affected me because of how low I felt. So when people had a go at me on MN I felt personally attacked and would take it out on the kids. I also found that I had wasted an entire day having virtual conversations and so I would feel guilty that I'd done nothing with my day and that would cause me to take my frustrations out on the kids too.

MN can be a great support, but once you've had that support and entertainment, it's a powerful thing to turn off the pc and turn your attentions to rl, which is what I need to do now if I want to be paid on Friday!

My kids are exactly the same age as yours and I'm going through a phase, particularly over the last few days - when I just shout or tell them off all the time.

Am desperately trying to break it at the moment and will come back to read the rest of this thread this evening!

Sounds like depression but also anxiety/stress and there are ways of dealing with both. Don't beat yourself up about anything, you've posted on here and want to do something about it which is a great first step. People remember the best times in their lives not the worst, so try not to worry that your children will only remember the times you've shouted at them.

Take positive action now to deal with anxiety and depression. Both are normal responses to stress - and it sounds like you have just been through a stressful time, so don't be too hard on yourself. It takes time to recover from stressful periods in your life and a good multivitamin and mineral supplement along with eating well will help your avoid stress related conditions (such as Candida, skin problems like acne etc) but you also need to develop ways of dealing with daily stress - talking to someone will probably help a lot as will thinking logically about how you usually deal with stressful or difficult situations - write down a few, list what usually happens, then how you could change it, or what you could do to change the outcome (i.e. taking "time out", counting to 10 etc). I think this may be what's known as Cognitive Behaviour therapy - it wont cure the stress or take away how you might be feeling, but it may help you to avoid shouting at the kids, which in turn will help you feel calmer and less stressed!

Do talk to your GP - they will not judge you and can refer you elsewhere if you decide you don't want anti depressant drugs but might benefit from other help. Talk to friends and family if you can - most people have experienced feelings of loss of control, anxiety and depression at some time in their lives and most people are very sympathetic to others going through similar times.

that's a good idea about making a plan to deal with future stress. thank you.

BooyHoo I had Cognitive Behaviour therapy and it really worked. I grew up around shouting parents and had no idea how (badly) it affected me until I started therapy. I also could not deal with stress and would take it out on people who were closest to me. I did make a decision to do something about it when my DP rightly said enough was enough. I'm not saying that you have the same issues but simply saying that learning some coping mechanisms could help.

All good advice here.
I have 4 boys and when they were little I shouted hysterically a lot... just like my mother did and I swore I never would. I really think 'don't sweat the small stuff' is sound advice, choose your battles; does it really matter that much if he's not said thank you this once? we all get over tired sometimes, perhaps he just needs a hug instead? And so do you.
Also I firmly believe they do have to learn that people - including adults - have their limits and are sometimes not that reasonable. No one is perfect - it's a life lesson for them too.

You sound like you really love and care about your kids and that's worth so much. We all need help and support and advice sometimes in life and I know I've learned as I went along, and my local friends with kids were the ones who kept me sane most of the time. It sounds like you could do with a good network like that and the best way to meet people is to get out to the toddler groups and parenting classes even if you don't feel like it.

My boys are now teens and I still get hysterical - mainly at their laziness around the house which drives me insane and makes me worry what they may do to future partners ie: treat them like skivvies! I even caught myself uttering the terrible phrase 'this house is NOT a hotel!'. I think we are all doomed to repeat the mistakes of our own parents but hopefully on a smaller scale, and if we are aware - which you clearly are - then we can nip it in the bud.

The advice about starting young with a clear simple rota of chores is invaluable. They don't have to do much at this age, but start now and they'll know what's expected of them as they get older - I wish I had done this with mine more.

Please take your neighbour up on her offer - we all need a break, especially a knackered mum. Just go for a walk on your own, even a trip to the supermarket without a toddler would be a break.

There is a book called 'Raising Boys' by Stephen Biddulph which is very helpful generally to mums with boys and has a section for single parents.
Good luck and stop beating yourself up, you are a good mum, you just need some support.

I really hope this helps. x

Hi there Booyhoo just wanted to say I have 2 boys who are the same age as yours and am finding them tricky just now too. The 2 year old is very 'mine, mine' wanting everything the older son has whereas the 6 year old is a bit cranky, tired I think, school getting a bit tiring at the moment and i'm already thinking hmm to the school holidays, wondering if it's bad to try and get the 2 yr old to do a bit more nursery then.

You're doing a tough job on your own so remember to praise yourself for that too. I once had some good advice which was to, at the end of each day, think of a moment something nice had happened with each or your children, just a hug or something, rather than always thinking of the bad things, shouting or whatever. Also try and take a deep breath and counting before shouting at them.

I went on a parenting course and the main thing was try and give them positive attention so focused playing helping like the mum with the washing said, doesn't have to be a treat/day out whatever, just a simple thing. Stop the negative attention/shouting etc, instead give time out/ withdraw a priviledge consistently (so follow through don't just say you will). This is because the children try to get any attention bad if not good and it can get into a negative spiral.

Feeling for you though. Your neighbour sounds great, maybe one weekend she could have ds2 and you could have some time alone with your older ds, go swimming or something. i did this at half term and was suprised how much more chilled it was without the 'bickering'.

Moving house, along with having a baby is supposed to be one of the most stressful things. So maybe when you are settled things will get easier. Best wishes to you xxx

i have a similar gap myself and came across similar problems. get yourself the best books i know - 'toddler taming' for children up to 5 or 'beyond toddlerhood' for 5 to 12 year olds. has really helped me reflect on parenting. we have made huge strides and are all so much happier as a direct result of these books. both are written by Dr Christopher Green and can be got through amazon. read the reviews if you need any confirmation about just how helpful they are. you can make huge changes but it does take time and reflection. just recognising that you need to change things is the first very important step - and you have already done that.

also agree with attending parenting courses.

Don't beat yourself up. Ages 2 and 6 are extremely difficult. I don't think many mums enjoy shopping and doing stuff with kids of that age. Don't expect too much. It'll get a lot easier as they grow.

listen hun we all get stressed i am the same i feel exactly how u do and the fact that u admit ur wrongs is a big start, sit down with ur children and talk to them dont hide ur feelings show them that it up sets u when u get angry with them and explain why u feel like this, they will under stand and respect u more in the long run. i know my children do as they always tell me they love me and that i am a good mum they just need to understand and if u think u may have been out of order or over the top then when u calm down go speak to ur children and say mummy may of got alittle to stressed and im sorry but what u did was wrong etc ...