Trying a new tactic, in need of feedback please

[iheartglee]

My daughter is 2.5 and since hitting the dreaded terrible 2s her behaviour has gone through phases of good and bad. I am not a particularly patient person and often one of her tantrums usually results in a shouting match between the two of us as I lose my rag after trying to be firm and calm yet getting nowhere. I used to put her in her cot for a time out but I have stopped this because when the time comes for her to go into a proper bed (very soon) I worry she will associate bed with being naughty. I have tried ignoring her when she is having a tantrum but this usually leads to my daughter finding things to destroy or mess up out of frustration or while she thinks her bad behaviour is going unnoticed, thus causing a backlog of bad behaviour and me having to punish her for two or three different things at once, which she may well have forgotten by then.
My latest idea is to get down to her level, look at her and speak clearly whilst explaining calmly what she has done wrong, or what she can't do and suggest an alternative or ask for an apology. Three days in and it seems to be working except for when she is very tired, but I was hoping for any advice from people who have tried similiar things and found success in this method. I just don't want to give my daughter the idea that a firm talking to is all a punishment is, and that she can be an absolute terror and still receive the same. I know every child is different and respond to different types of discipline is different ways, perhaps I'm thinking too much into it?! I just want to find something that works lol x

Sounds alright to me.
I've always tried to pre-empt bad behaviour and the reasons for it - tiredness/hunger/doing something boring - like shopping and have a tactic in hand to deal with it.
Clearly explaining can work at this age, I've not yet had to implement any actual punishment yet and my DD is 4 - no naughty step/time out/removal of toys etc. It does depend on the child though (mine is spirited, but fairly biddable) - for us, a firm talking to has been all that was needed.

My 2 and a half year old ds2 is a nightmare atm.
I really don't like sending them to their rooms or stuff like that so I don't do it unless I am really angry.
Not much works with my ds2 but what I'm doing now is that when he kicks off I am just telling him to calm down and tell me what's wrong.
If he is just tantrumming then everyone else has to leave the room as removing him (Like I do with ds1) jut causes further anger, so we all leave and ignore.
If I hear him throwing things, I just pop in, take it off him and leave again with no words.
When he actually does calm down, I hug him and tell him that I can't be around him if he is going to get that angry,
Both my ds's have 'angry pillows' that they use when they start to get frustrated. They can hit them, punch them, kick and bite, throw them arond and generally take out all their aggression on these pillows.
It works really well mostly, they need to know there are ways to express their emotions that won't result in them being told off.
I also try not to be too verbal, my ds2 doesn't listen and doesn't care. Short and sweet for him.
But i really try not to talk to him when he has hit full blown tantrum, by then he is past reason and just needs to get it out, but he is not rewarded with attention from me, good or bad.

Tantrums - ah, another thing entirely. I found that it was better to say nothing, make no eye contact, but to stay in sight, if I left the room, DD went ballistic. But her tantrums were not destructive, and luckily very infrequent - it only happened when she was tired, or had just woken - when they passed she wanted a lot of cuddles and reassurance, I think the strength of emotion to the tantrum was wearing and frightening for her.

I hate to just leave him on his own, but he calms down a hell of a lot quicker on his own than if I stay with him.

Thanks for the input :)
My daughter has listened and calmed down really quickly so far, although should the talking not help and only cause more anger and frustration I think I would walk away so she's getting absolutely no attention whatsoever for acting out.

They are all so different aren't they? My 2 ds's react and respond to complete opposites which makes discipline tough for me as it can't be the same rules for everyone. :-(

They are all so different aren't they? My 2 ds's react and respond to complete opposites which makes discipline tough for me as it can't be the same rules for everyone. :-(

I think you're overthinking it :) If talking to her is working then keep doing that, if it stops working then it's time to think of something else. Discipline isn't just about thinking up the most horrible punishments possible . If they are learning how to behave, then it's working.

I think sometimes the tantrums are fuelled by frustration and by trying to help/console etc you can make them more cross, so it can be better to walk away - especially if your reaction is to also get wound up.
Oddly, reading back on my post it sounds like DD and I are both calm and saintlike, but neither of us are - but I think you know your child better than anyone else so can work out how to deal with this kind of issue. My Mum for example, looks after DD one day a week and yet has still not really got a handle on how not to wind her up, they love each other very much but I can hear her falling into the same traps over and over again and DD reacting to it.