I really need an honest opinion,help.

[gracej]

Hello everyone.
I really hope you can take some time to read my story and tell me your honest opinion, I am extremely worried about DS,he is 10months (first baby).
When he was born we noticed that for about 2 or 3 weeks he made no eye contact at all, we put it down to being too young although most books say that new borns should be really interested in human faces.
I remember at about 3 months, how all the babies in my NCT group would be kicking and moving and playing with baby gyms, DS would just lay there and look around the room, but not move a finger.
For ages we put toys around him to try and get him to move, but he would just look at them and it they were not in reach he would just stare at them.
Since he became about 71/2 months old he started to become more interested in toys and now he will play with them.
He only sits, does not bottom shuffle, but since last week he has started to move his truck more, for example if there is a toy next to him out of reach, he will move his truck and bend his legs as if going on fours (this is a huge improvement to just sitting!!) But he is so behind his peers on motor skills.
He does not clap or copy or point. And when we are with other people he appears to get a little agitated, always looking for me. He does not smile at other people when they smile at him, only DH and me. He loves staring at the washing machine. Doesn't always answer to his name, only when he feels like it.
I am so desperate, DH keeps saying that he simply is a late developer and there is nothing wrong with that, but DH does not go to all the playgroups and does not have the opportunity to see the enormous diference between DS and other babies his age. Could it be that he simply is a little slower that other babies?
Sorry this is so long, but would really appreciate your opinions. Thank you.

BTW my boy didn't like toddler groups for a while. I just gave them a miss for a while. We've gone back now and he loves it. He was just not ready for it at the time.

your child sounds TOTALLY NORMAL

I am stunned that you have missed so much by constantly worrying that he isn't the same as other children .. of course he is ..he's just like my 2 perfectly normal children for a start ..

wherever you are getting your development information from .. its tragically WRONG .. burn whatever book you're reading

2-3 week olds don't make eye contact .. they stare at the light bouncing off your forehead

Babies are not supposed to point until over a year anyway

take a very deep breath and RELAX .. you risk missing the most wonderful natural first phase in your baby's life by panic and worry

this is such an absurd list of worries I am actually worried you are a troll rather than a first-time mother .. I am only saying that to prove how unfounded your worries are

Kiwikate- Oh yes, the child pointing seems to be the biggie from what I read. It's just that my DS shows little sign of doing that, plus I've read on MN that following a point is a good sign too (I think).

Gracej - maybe he just doesn't like noisy, chaotic groups. I don't like them and I'm 42. Your baby prefers to be with you and to be held and played with in a quieter environment. There really is nothing wrong with that at all.
Agree - enjoy the child you have. this time will never come again.
Also, I think toddler groups are making you as miserable as they seem to make your little boy! I'd avoid them. Take him somewhere you like instead.

Message withdrawn

curmudgeonlett, thank you for your "kind???" and "constructive????" reply.
We have limited space to write in these posts, I only wrote the negative things because that is what I needed feedback on. I haven't written about the amazing time I have with my little one, I enjoy him enormously!!! I think he is divine, we have a great time most of the time. But he is not developing at the spead of other babies his own age, that is why I am concerned.
His GP does NOT think my worries are unfounded, so much so that DS was referred to a health clinic to make a complete "development assessent" in order to decide how best to follow up his development. I DID NOT have to break the GP's arm to have this referral, she suggested it, not me. (By the way, this happened after I started writting this post)
Your reply has really put me off asking for opinions, thank you to everyon else who has very kindly help put my mind at ease.

if you don't want honest answers then don't put "I really need an honest opinion" in the title .. I wrote what I wrote to give you a jolt ..

I fully understand that it is only the negatives you wrote and that in no way gives a full picture .. can you understand the response without getting on your sensitive high horse?

actually I am now quite cross at your response

Read my post very carefully please .. I tried to give you strong reassurance and confirmation that your worries may be unfounded. I tried to reassure you that many children are just like yours and are totally normal. I attempted to help you focus on the joy that is your child rather than the worry that comes with being a parent .. particularly a first-time parent which is far harder than subsequent parents due to competitiveness and fear.

If you read my post wrong then I apologise for that.

I seriously do not think you have anything to worry about, but I have done a search on your name and it seems that you do worry .. some people do, some people don't .. I wish you luck and good health and an end to your worries.

Oh dear, I will probably be flamed down for this but just wanted to say, well said gracej . Even though I am also confident your DS is absolutely fine (especially after what you say about him understanding lots of words), it shouldn't stop you asking for honest opinions.

Yes some people do worry/ are more paranoid than others. If someone searched my name, they'd find I'm a worrier too. BUT, whatever the outcome, it can be tough to see your child's peers constantly achieving new skills whilst yours seem to be going at a slower rate. I think it is important that any mum should be able to ask for advice on MN without being told they are absurd.

Don't worry gracej I think you are right to follow up on any gut feeling. especially if it's from comparing to other babies of the same age (one reason I've avoided babies of the same age with ds2 and ds3- I remember the awful stomach churning feeling well).

I also felt from 17 months that something wasn't quite right, and suspected autism, but when I told people they either told me I was being daft/paranoid or got very cross with me (to the point that I would sneak to the library/bookshop, buy/ borrow books on autism and then hide them under my bed!!!!!). By the time ds1 was 2 and a half I had dh on side and my best friend who saw ds1 every day told me she finally agreed with me and there was something amiss. ie I had a year of dealing with it alone. About 6 months later most other's were on board and ds1 was diagosed at just over 3. He is severely autistic.

Now reading your post there isn't much that would worry me except the lack of interest in baby gyms (but as well as possibly indicating nothing it could be a sign of slight developmental delay, dyspraxia, or nothing at all). Please don;t think I'm reading your message and thinking "uh oh". really I;m not no bells are ringing at all.

I just wanted to offer support and say if you are concerned, espeically if its because of comparisons to babies the same age then you are right to get it looked at. Wish I'd been pushier earlier but I kept my books under the bed- if I'd ignored everyone and pushed and pushed (and paid someone!) he could have been getting help from 18 months - he was quite easily diagnosable by then looking back (to anyone who knew anything about autism).

The situation I was in is very common, most of my friends were the same- way ahead of everyone else and made to feel almost dirty for daring to think it.

I hope you get your referral and it comes through soon (and I;ll be whisking ds3 up there ) - and you get your mind put at rest. I don't think you have any really screaming reason to be concerned, but if you are get it looked at.

xx

GracieJ
Just wanted to add that if you're concerned then you should get DS checked which you are. As a childrens nurse I was taught that mum's instinct ws usually right, so it's good to see your GP has referred you to have DS assessed.

As a mother though, I have two children who rolled, crawled and walked well before most books said they should, and I worry about that. They may be advanced physically, but they are dreadful sleepers and eaters, who also spoke later!
I go to lots of playgroups too, and am constantly amazed at the wide variation in child development. My friends children who did all the physical stuff later, either spoke , slept well, ate well,or were toilet trained earlier. I have long since stopped reading the books and trusting my own instinct.

My sister has never read a child development book in her life or attended toddler groups ( lives in a remote area, althought doubt she'd have gone anyway, they are not such a big thing in many parts of the world), yet her kids are lovely, well adjusted socially , eat and sleep!

I honestly think most toddler groups are for the benefit of mothers like me , who would go completely mad if they didn't have any reason to leave the house and speak to another grown up. If your DS doesn't seem to enjoy it , I honestly would give it a miss for a while. Do something together you both prefer, like swimming. That's a social thing anyway, unless you have your own pool at home!

Take care and good luck with DS's appointment

Paprika, of course GraceJ can ask for an honest opinion. It is just a bit off to shoot the messenger when she gets one.

I agree with curmudgeonett actually. I also had to do a doubletake when I first read this post, as the things you describe are not "late" development at all (eg not always answering to his name, only when he feels like it, not making eye contact at three weeks, not pointing/copying at 10 months, not bumshuffing etc). Remember, each child is different and developes to his/her own timescale. Also, sometimes a child CAN do something, but just chooses not to (eg my SIL did not say a word until she was 3, and the day she started talking she came out with full sentences. She COULD talk, she just chose not to).

You've got about 30 posts here telling you of other parents whose children did something similar (and MANY who developed in a particular aspect later than you ds) and were fine, and about 3 or 4 saying "should be fine, but if you are worried get it checked out". You don't have a single one saying these are definate danger signals - get to a specialist immediately.

What struck me as really sad was that your dh thinks that your ds is "SIMPLY a late developer" - poor kid is already labelled as this (or worse) even though there is nothing late about his development!

Glad you are getting medical advice. Maybe then you'll be able to relax and just enjoy your baby. As another poster said, they develop so much in the next few months, you'll look back in amazement at how they progress.

Curmudgy - I also wondered where GraceJ is getting her developmental advice from. Every baby book I've ever read has always said that the milestones are averages and each child develops at their own pace. There is not a single aspect of her ds's development that would concern me as a parent (which is why I think you said her list of worries were absurd - I don't think you meant it was absurd for a parent to worry, I think you meant each of the described behaviours is perfectly normal). I have noticed on mn though, that when someone asks for "an honest opinion" or something similar, they are the ones most likely get fired up when you give it to them. It is also a pity that GraceJ did not see the encouragement that you tried to give her through your post.

I did';t want to write this but since gracej is getting an unfair bashing I will.

No reaching out and ignoring babygyms can be a cause for concern.It doesn;t have to be- but it can be. If ds3 hadn't reached out and had ignored his babygym I would have done exactly the same as gracej.

Leave her alone- she has done the right thing.

KiwiKate and Curmudgeonlett,

It is a Mum's job to worry, and an honest opinion to someone who's genuinely worried about their baby needs to be worded with tact, as most people have done.
Doing a search on GraceJ's nickname and saying she seems to be a worrier is just vindictive and thoughtless.

and btw kiwikate even when I read things on mnet that make me think "uh oh get that kid to a specialist they're autistic" I never say it because it would be totally inappropriate.

In gracej's case I truly think it is incredibly difficult to tell at 10 months. I can't tell whether my 10 month old is ok or not yet and I am watching him hawk like. However I think her concerns are valid. I would be concerned about lack of interest in toys and late reaching. I put it in the same camp as ds3's rubbing of surfaces and ripping of paper all the time. Enough for me to notice, and enough for me to put a contingency in place, but not enough to actually be sure anything is up. If we had access to the same service as gracej then I would use it, without feeling paranoia but to put my mind at rest. Knowing that if something is amiss it will be picked up asap helps a lot.

btw gracej if you are anywhere near me (devon) we should meet. I don't do toddler groups because been there done that, watched the differences, but it would be lovely for ds3 to have a playmate.

And also KiwiKate
"Curmudgy - I also wondered where GraceJ is getting her developmental advice from..."

That is a really bitchy comment and you need to think about what you post. GraceJ is a first time mum and it is all new to her, as it once was to you and I. Comments like that from other Mums are very detrimental to people's confidence.

oh and gracej- hope I haven't worried you. Really I would put it in exactly the same camp as ds3 sensory seeking behaviours (the rubbing and ripping), and those aren't keeping me awake at night - I've just noticed them. I'm just watching for the pointing - if that comes on time then the worrying will soon be a distant memory. I found that happened with ds2- I was worrying a lot, spent a week think he definitely was autistic then suddenly he was pointing and never looked back. At 3 and a half I can say he is 100% fine.

actually I was quite impressed with gracej's developmental knowledge (although the eye contact thing at 3 weeks isn't a worry- neither is it when they stop looking at you close up after 6 months- distance vision has kicked in and they like seeing you from afar!)

thinking about it the person in the house with the best (when comfortable) eye contact is actually severely autistic ds1, so I never pay any attention to eye contact anyway.

Baka - Think we've killed the thread!!!

I don't think anyone would dare argue I have plenty of " and another thing"s up my sleeve.

you can have as many 'and another things" as you wish baka .. as always I bow to your superior knowledge in all things developmental and biological

.. however .. I still don't think I deserved to be shot down for bothering to responding honestly (and quite tactfully compared to how I could have posted) ... and kiwi I am grateful for your support

I'm not sure that describing gracej as getting on her "sensitive high horse", or saying you suspected she was a troll comes under the heading of tactful!

Almost everyone mother I know of a child with SN was given a hard time when they 1st noticed differences. As my friend said "people seemed to think I was wishing it on her, why on earth would I want my child to be autistic?." Therefore if a mother notices a difference that worries her, and a doctor then refers them on, then cut them some slack. I was the only person who could see that there was anything different about ds1 - everyone else told me he was just relaxed, and so smiley and so laid back and happy that he was just doing things his own way. As I said earlier I was made to feel "dirty" for trying to find out more "oh for god's sake will you put that book away there is absolutely nothing wrongt with your child" quote. So I'm not going to sit quietly whilst people who have never observed developmental delays or disorders give some poor woman a mouthful because she thinks she may have noticed something. Yes she could well be wrong- it is very difficult to tell with young babies- I hope she is, but she is there with her baby, she is attending the mother and toddler groups, we are not- so all anyone can or should say is "if you are worried get it checked out". Sound advice for anything.

Children with developmental delays do not come with big signposts on their head. Just like children who may be seriously ill can look very similar to a child with a self limiting virus. If you are happy to say to the mother of a baby with a temperature "go to the dr if you are worried" then why on earth wouldn't you say it to someone worried about their child's development? It doesn't make sense. Just as sitting at the end of a computer terminal none of us can tell whether then temperature is teething, a cold or meningitis, you can't tell whether the behaviour is normal or not.

I think doctors are now told "if the mother is concerned then listen".