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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

5 year old bully??

15 replies

25goingon95 · 25/05/2011 13:43

Bully is a bit harsh i think isn't it, at 5 years old?

Anyway i have sent my poor 5yo DD into school late and crying for 2 days now. This is so unlike her, she has never done this before in the 8 months she has attended school or the year she went to nursery.

There is this other 5yo who my daughter adored, she is/was her best friend. Every day at play time my DD goes out into the playground and waits for this girl. But for the last few months the girl seems to be being nasty to her and others. She tells my DD that she has to decide whether or not to play with DD and so my DD waits around for her to decide while watching the girl play with others. Then the bell rings and DD has had no playtime :(

Lots of other things too, she shouts at DD at times and is very bossy. If DD makes the girl a picture (they have done this for eachother since nursery) the girl says she doesn't want it! And has done this in front of me twice now. DD has taken this quite badly and is now very upset. Ive told her to play with someone else and she is trying but as they have already formed little groups in the class they sometimes tell DD that she can't play so she has no-one to be with.

Also if she does manage to play with others, this girl marches over and tells DD that she has to play with her now otherwise she will never be her friend again!! Ive told DD not to bother and to carry on with who she is playing with and as far as i know she has done that. But still the girl hangs around being nasty so DD can't win, nasty if she's with her and nasty if she is not.

This morning she couldn't eat her breakfast, and followed me around saying "mummy i really don't want to go" And then she cried :( I took her in because im sure it would be even more difficult if i let her stay home today.

I only assume this is the reason for DDs upset, she won't actually tell me.

Do i leave her to sort it out or speak to someone? They are only 5 years old and i don't want to sound OTT but my DD is very sad. Also what to say to DD? Other than find other friends...

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tomhardyismydh · 25/05/2011 14:01

I would say bully is harsh for this age, however the behavior she is displaying is bullyish and should be addressed before she seems to think she can get away with it.

You really should talk with the teachers as they will be able to nip it in the bud and intervene, as it is affecting your dds wellbeing.

I see these things happen alot with my own dd who is 5 and is also equaly as guilty but she is never so upset by behavior of one particular person, if she was I would definitely talk with the teacher.

Also encouraging your dd to be assertive and not respond to her will prevent this child from picking on her like this. Not that it is her own downfall, but will make her self feel more confident in not accepting this.

Bellie · 25/05/2011 14:17

Talk to the teacher - she will be able to see if this is happening all the time, or whether there is something else that is worrying her.
My dd had a similar situation at age 4, and it continued until she was 6 where the girl in question used to empty her pencil case over the floor when my dd was at the teachers desk doing reading and then say to the teacher "look bellies dd has emptied her pencil case again what a baby".

The behaviour is bullyish and if not nipped in the bud may well develop further.
I used to say to my dd go and play with someone else, but it is hard. I guess I am lucky in that the other girl has now left the school which has made dd so happy and the difference in her willingness to go to school is amazing.
Good luck.

Original poster

25goingon95 · 25/05/2011 14:37

Thanks for replies,

I told the teacher this morning that DD didn't want to come to school and she took DD by the hand and said they were going to have a chat about why she is upset so i guess she may have something to tell me at 3.30. Although i doubt DD will tell her teacher the truth :(

I will go to speak to the teachers tomorrow after school when i can leave DDs with DH.

Bellie how awful for your DD :( Good to hear she is now very happy again!

Yesterday i saw the girl shouting at DD before school started and the girl looked over at me. I was looking back at her and thought she may stop if she saw me looking but she actually came over to me infront of her mum and other mums and told me my DD won't listen to her and was being silly!! Her mum just stood there waiting for me to answer her DD...i told the girl that DD doesn't like being shouted at. Nothing else was said.

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Bellie · 26/05/2011 17:25

Hope you manage to get this sorted.

Pkam · 26/05/2011 20:29

My DD is in Reception and has an almost identical problem. It came out as she started exhibiting bullying behaviour to DD2 so I raised it with her teacher as I was worried about her doing the same to others at school and I didn't want her to be bullying. Teacher said no but thought that it was a reaction to the bullying she was getting from girl in her class. DD has never said she is upset by it but we had noticed she often said things along the lines of, 'XXX let me sit next to her today' and 'XXXX said I could play with her today'. I've also witnessed lots of shouting at DD but always put this down to the situation (normally parties where they are all a bit over-excited). I've stepped back and am letting teacher deal with it as school has excellent approach to bullying type behaviour. I am monitoring now though and will look at other approaches if necessary.

I have a friend whose DD also has experienced bullying in her reception class - although mostly directed at another girl. I think it's more common than we think at this age. Hopefully the teacher will be able to deal with it in a way that alleviates the problem for your DD.

Sylvaniasandwich · 26/05/2011 20:34

How horrible. Don't be too nervous about interfering here - your dd needs you to take some action. Book an appointment with the teacher tomorrow and tell her everything you have said here. Be firm with the other little girl - who needs to know that her behaviour is unacceptable. Go over and tell her so - she obviously know her well enough.

Sylvaniasandwich · 26/05/2011 20:35

Oh and take steps to build other friendships for your dd. Invite another child round for a playdate maybe.

WhipMeIndiana · 26/05/2011 20:37

speak to teacher. My dd is 4 and had similar thing but less serious, i still spoke to teacher and she keeps eye on it. made me sad when dd said she played with the dinnerlady at lunchtime etc. but it was only a phase, they get bored and on to the next playground thing.
invite another quiet child round to play?

izzybobsmum · 26/05/2011 21:49

25goingon95, I could have written that post - it's identical to my own 5 year old daughter's situation at school. When my dd is invited to play by this one particular girl, it's like it's the greatest honour in the world. I have encouraged friendships with other girls wherever I can, and done things to build my dd's self confidence, so she doesn't need this girl's approval. DD joined Rainbows a few weeks ago, and is now mixing with girls from Years 1 and 2 as well as Reception, and this seems to have helped her a lot.

iEmbarassedMyself · 26/05/2011 21:51

What did the teacher say this afternoon, OP?

Original poster

25goingon95 · 26/05/2011 22:15

Hi, thanks for the replies. Sorry to hear some of your DC are having the same problems!!

Well i spoke to the teacher and she said she will put DD into a different group (when they do their work books) so that she is with another couple of girls in her class that she gets on with to try to encourage DD to play with them outside too instead of waiting for this girl. We'll just see how it goes. DD hasn't mentioned anything today anyway so that is good. She didn't object to going to school either so i think she was quite relieved that the teacher knows.

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Original poster

25goingon95 · 26/05/2011 22:17

My DD also says things like "XXXX let me play with her today" :(

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safran · 27/05/2011 00:34

There is a girl like this in our school - luckily in my DS class and so he just ignores her and says XXX is very rude. Anyway I would keep speaking to the teacher - and you may find other Mothers do as well (obviously you don't want to start a vendetta)
It got to the point where so many Mums had spoken to the teacher privately about this one girl the teacher held a class specially on "bullying" - it wasn't as strongly worded as this because they are only 4/5 but that was the gist. Anyway they read some books together and talked about playtime etc as a class --- it has had a remarkable effect on this girl. I think she'd been allowed to get away with it and hadn't really understood how bad it made people feel. I also understand the teacher spoke to the mother in general terms and there have been some chats at home - the mother in this case had been blissfully aware that her DD was causing such wide spread problems although I suspect she made have guessed.

Pictish · 27/05/2011 00:42

She sounds a right wee madam.

Hope it gets better for your dd....you really feel it for them don't you? xx

Original poster

25goingon95 · 27/05/2011 10:24

Thanks safran and pictish :)

Safran, i really don't think this girl understands how bad it makes people feel-you are right. Also her mother is blissfully unaware, she chats to me in the playground and just doesn't seem to notice or she just ignores it. Like when the girl spoke to me the way she did about my DD, her mother just stood there waiting for me to answer to her DD!

Another mum noticed my usually smiley happy DD had been crying and me looking strained the other day, and asked if we were ok. I just mentioned that she is clashing with some other girls and this mum knew who i was talking about! She said a couple of other mums have also complained to her about this behaviour towards their DC.

So, DD went into school fine today again :) I don't know what has been going on at play time these last 2 days as DD doesn't tell me and i don't want to bring it up now she seems a little happier! But this morning in the car she came out with "im going to forget that XXXX was nasty to me now because im kind to her and she is being kind to me so we'll just forget it" :)

Fingers crossed it continues!

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