hitting and kicking violent rages in dd

[ddhittingme]

My dd is almost 4. I have DC2 on the way. Most of the time she is is lovely, clever intelligent vocal little girl but she gets frustrated and when she loses her temper she really goes! She is so verbose that people forget how young she is, even DH and I.

I was asked to come and have a talk by preschool today because they are very concerned because she has had a few violent outbursts, has hit other students and teachers if there is something she can't have or do, or doesn't want to share.
At home we have witnessed some severe tempers and we have to put her in her room until she calms down because she can hurt. I have to physically overpower her by picking her up in a rugby hold to take her somewhere safe while she has a melt down and the other day I have to shut her in the car seat because she was kicking out so much and we were out. Time outs dont seem to work-they make it worse in fact, her temper is so huge, it's just too much for her and without an adult to help bring her down she just goes on and on. The whole 3 minutes thing, then go back when shes calm-boy oh boy she aint calm after 3 minutes-in fact it's worse. and if you try to explain to her once all is calm, why she was put in time out she can't tell you-so what is she learning from that.

I can't have her going round whacking her preschool teachers and other students. She is such a gem a lot of the time, these violent outbursts are a real worry to me. I dont want her growing up as some sort of thug child who bullies others.

She is ready for full time school and will start in Sept, in the meantime i need some advice please.

Here are some pointers about handling tantrums:

"Praise for calming down. After a tantrum, comfort your child without giving into her or his demands. Tell your child that he or she was out of control and needed time to calm down. Never make fun of or punish a child who has had a temper tantrum. Don't use words like ?bad girl? or ?bad boy? to describe your child during a temper tantrum.
Acknowledge the feeling. After your child is calm, acknowledge his or her feelings of frustration and anger. You might say, ?I know that you were frustrated because you could not tie your shoes.?
Teach other ways to handle anger and frustration. Teaching a child different ways to deal with negative emotions may reduce the number of temper tantrums a child has or prevent temper tantrums from getting worse. Offer simple suggestions to help a child learn self-control. For example, encourage your child to use words to express feelings or establish a safe, comfortable place in the home where your child can go to calm down. Notice and praise good behavior.
Encourage taking a break from a frustrating activity or redirect the child to a task he or she has already mastered.
Be a good role model. Children often learn by watching their parents. Set a good example by handling your own frustration calmly."

I had one who could scream for hours, return from a nap (having fallen asleep screaming in her room) and ask for the same thing she had kicked off about hours earlier. Very persistent and tenacious, and a high decibel level. I thought about having her evaluated for emotional problems but the problem seemed to go away before I made any serious moves in that direction. My DD's school had a very small class of 4 yos (just 11 of them), with a teacher and an aide, and seven of the class were boys so there was little or no competition for toys among the girls.

Trying to see if there are any areas where your DD's frustration level could be higher than she is able to deal with might help could the school be a bit disorganised or could she be upset at a noisy classroom with children milling around? Could she be somehow unaware of the schedule or could she have failed to notice a pattern to the days? At home, a regular schedule with 'down time' even if not a nap, built in might help. My screamer was DC4 and I really didn't have enough time to spend one on one with her. There was always noise and some sort of activity requiring clapping her in the car and driving for twenty minutes, or little errands to run I think she craved a quieter and more predictable life with time to do her own thing uninterrupted.

OTOH, a neighbour whose little DD was still throwing tantrums at age 6 decided to take her off gluten to see what would happen, and to limit dairy too, and her moods became far more even.