how do you teach your dcs to stand up for themselves without resorting to violence?

[headfairy]

DS isn't a shy child by any means, he's pretty outgoing but he's also a bit rough sometimes, and when disputes start in the playground he quite often hits the other child. I don't want him to be walked over, but likewise I don't want him to be violent.

He's only 3.8 so is it just something he'll learn along the way? What can I do to help him find non violent resolutions. At the moment his alternative is to come running crying to me - I usually try to get him to stay away from the other child and play elsewhere but I think that's just avoiding the issue - or is that the best option?

He's quite young so I don't know how far you can really discuss this with him, so all I would do for now is keep reiterating that hitting is wrong and perhaps do some role play with him to show him how he can be assertive without getting violent.

They do tend to work this out themselves. I have DTs and these days I very much encourage them to settle their own disputes (knowing that I won't be able to arbitrate once they're in school come September). I only step in if I sense a major power imbalance or one resorts to violence. That's quite unusual anyway and becoming more unusual the older they get and the more experience they have.

Good luck.

I tend to be of the 'they need to be shown how to sort problems out lots of times' school of thought.

Under what circumstances does he hit? Is it when he wants a go on something, or someone is in his way? Stay close to him and when these situations arise, suggest that he says 'can I have a go please' or 'excuse me' or 'stop I don't like it' or whatever is appropriate to the situation. The message is that we use words not fists but it takes a while for them to get the hang of this.

If the other child won't let him have a go or whatever, then let him know that he has choices ie can ask again or leave it until later, then support him with how he feels about whatever happens. My dd is a little older than your ds but now tells me that she'll 'lump it' when she can't get what she wants .

Yes, teach him that hitting is wrong, and model some alternatives as people have said-don't do that, I don't like it etc etc.

I think he will learn a lot of it as he goes along. My DS has much improved social skills now he's 4.5 compared with a year ago. Most has come with practise I think. The person he is most aggressive with is his sister! (2.5) and although he doesn't hit he does a horrible aggressive face right up to hers- also not allowed!

Thanks for all the advice... it's all great. He usually hits when he wants something and can't have it ie someone has got the toy he wants first. I do try and step in and say "so and so is using it now, you can have it in a minute" but if I'm not right next to him, say in a playground, then he'll resort to hitting.

The other day in a playground I was supervising his sister and I heard ds get in to an argument with another older boy. I think they were arguing about who went down the slide first. The older boy was I think doing the text book "don't do that, it's not nice, stop being so horrible to me" and I was a bit ashamed that ds was being so rough.

I'm glad to hear ds is most likely to pick this stuff up as he goes along. I really don't want him to be the nasty violent kid everyone avoids.