discipline issues of a 2 year old...

[AliGrylls]

DS1 is 2 in 2 weeks; DS2 is 6 months. DS1 likes to bite, scratch, pinch and generally intimidate DS2 who is already quite scared of him.

We have tried every single approach recommended and done in the history of mankind - gently talking to him; talking to him firmly; time-out; smacking. I even followed the advice of my MIL who suggested doing what he does to DS2 to him - it felt too wrong to continue past the first toe bite as I was worried it would escalate into a vicious cycle of abuse. Absolutely nothing works. He laughs then carries on as he did before. It is so hard to get right and I feel I need to do something to stop his behaviour but what? What would you do? What did you do? This evening was the worst as he threw himself at DS2 and just only missed a complete head-on collision by about a milimetre - which would have been really nasty for everyone had it occurred. In some ways I feel tempted to let him have a nasty accident so he really learns - but it seems too cruel.

I know it sounds really lame but you need to try and separate them as much as you can. I had one watching telly, one doing an activity or one in garden, other in kitchen etc. I know they gravitate to being together/where you are but i'm fairly lucky in that they are both very independent (though liable to kill each other...)

it does pass/get better

How is his sleeping? That always sends dumbarse behaviour quotient soaring in our house.

He's not yet 2 so I think it sounds as though you've tried all the obvious solutions.
He's insanely jealous of DS1 but he will get over it.
Meanwhile I would suggest supervision and separation. Never leave them alone together and try to do things with DS1 on his own to remind him how he is special too.

My DS1 took it out mostly on me when he was 2 and his brother was born. He hated mummy for about a year but was also inclined to be very rough with the baby. I remember threatening to go and get him a big brother so he would know what it was like.
For much of that time DH spent all his free time with DS1. Once DS2 was mobile they became best friends and I was forgiven.

Try to remember to tell him that it is his behaviour that is bad and not him.

He has been waking in the middle of the night - but has always slept from 7 pm to 7:30 am and he still has a 2 hour sleep in the middle of the day. Funny you should mention that actually - earlier on when I noticed he was getting overexcited I put him in his cot with relaxing music on and for at least half an hour afterwards he was really sweet. I am so glad to hear it will get better. I think I am a bit frightened though because I worry my children will end up like my sister and I were (I ended up feeling afraid of her and she used to intimidate me). I think I am basically trying to not make any mistakes in the way I parent because I know the effect it can have long-term.

It's really hard to remember that inthesticks - just after I put him to bed I was actually thinking "what is wrong with him?" But you are right - it isn't him, he can be so lovely and I do keep on telling him this too.

I think that you have to be very clear as to what is good behaviour and what is bad. Praise, praise, praise the good behaviour - even the tiniest thing to start with.

With the bad behaviour you have to set very clear parameters and STICK TO THEM!!! When DS1 was 18 months - 2 years I cleared the playpen and it became the 'naughty spot' (I was too nervous that he would not sit on the step!). You then have to pick your battles but be very clear that hurting his brother is not allowed and he will have to go in the pen. For all other poor behaviour, give a clear warning that 'throwing food on the floor' is not allowed and if he does it, he will go in the pen. If he does it, put him in the pen for 2 minutes (a la Super nanny). During the 2 minutes, ignore him. Afterwards, explain why you put him there and then get him to say sorry and have a hug. If you are consistent, he will get the message!

When out and about, the sanction for my DS was that he would have time out in the buggy. If he ignored the warning, he was strapped in for 2 mins etc.

Now he is 2.5, we still use the naughty step (pen now gone!) but it is so infrequent as normally the warning is enough for him to stop. There is no buggy seat for him anymore, so the sanction is loss of tv time, no story, no ice-cream etc depending on where we are or what we are doing. But the key is that you HAVE to follow through. So my DH is completely unhelpful as he will say things like, 'if you do that again, we won't go to the park" - which then backfires as we all want to get out of the house - so be careful as to what you sanction!!!

It will get better but most of all he needs to understand that he is lucky to have a little brother and that he is a big brother. I also second that you might want to spend some special one on one time with him so that he feels special - it is important that you both get to have time to strengthen your relationship rather than you feeling cross with him, and him feeling shouted at!

Good luck!

Be firm, but kind. He isn't 2 yet, he's still a baby himself .

Hurting baby brother tho is not acceptable and you have to be really firm on this. I would remove him from the situation and a very firm "no! that hurts your brother, do not hit/punch/scratch" etc. I guess baby is not moving yet, so can you keep baby out of brother's way- give them "areas" they can be in if DS1's behaviour can not be trusted near baby at the moment.

It will get better. Ignore all the little things, and things that maybe baby brother doesn't cry about- don't actually hurt him can be ignored. Baby brother's and sisters do get "beaten up" quite a bit, and often don't mind- probably mind less than Mum- so only step in when baby cries/the physical stuff is clearly over the boundary of not acceptable.

Be kind to yourself. This WILL pass! I think it's common to try every trick in the book but actually that can be confusing and inconsistent. I would never use smacking or physical punishment as I feel this teaches him that this is an acceptable action and makes him more likely to carry out these actions.

If he's jelous or resentful of his DS then maybe just pick up DS2 and give him loads of attention eg "you poor thing", kisses etc when DS1 is mean to him and completely ignore DS1. This will be exactly the opposite to what DS1 wants to achieve and eventually his behaviour should change accordingly.

I would use naughty step, play pen, shutting him in the kitchen for 2 minutes only for physical "assults" personally. That's what I did with both mine. We had a zero tolorance on hitting, biting etc. No attention was given for it and it did eventually pass. Throwing food on the floor is very irritating, but I think it deserves a different punishment to hitting/biting his baby brother.

I can't agree more that praise, praise, praise is the way forward. Try and spend some mummy and DD1 time together each day doing something un stressy that you can give him loads of praise for.

Whatever you decide, be consistent, not just for a day or 2 (no technique will work that quickly), and make sure everyone who is involved with your DCs care does the same.

Good luck!