Mums of very young children - like me, do you feel like the Big Bad Wolf all the time?

[mammabelleboo]

As the mum of a full on 5.5 yo dd, I am officially completely and utterly fed up of this job at the moment! I am tired of the constant battles and feel like dd is my enemy, rather than my friend :(. Every day for the last 3 years or more I think dd and I have fallen out in some way, shape or form :(. Usually because she won't do as she's told, won't listen, is rude, hits/kicks/tries to hurt me, behaves badley towards her friends - I feel, just generally trying to wind me up as she continues to behave in a way that she knows will light my fuse, I suspect just for a reaction.

I find it hard to ignore bad behaviour and probably should try to ignore the minor stuff more but I can't. I build up like a pressure cooker and then bang - explode into a horrendous fit of shouting and ranting - usually in her face - which leaves me feeling like the worse mum in the world afterwards - I really have overstepped the mark on occasions and I feel terrible for it :(...........hence the constant feeling of Big Bad Wolf.

It's beginning to undermine my relationship with her - I don't want to be around her much as I don't want anything to kick off, I don't want to play with her as I just want space away from her - I almost feel relived when she goes to school or if she's out of the house away from me, that's when I feel most relaxed. I am crying as I type this as I love her SO much and she is my life, but I'm not enjoying her as I should be....I'm just worn out by the battles. She is really headstrong - I was quite a shy, retiring child and was bullied - so I'm glad she has some spirit, but I find her behaviour so challenging and so different from how I was/am - I don't quite know how to deal with it.

DH is a lot more laid back and I am almost jealous at the relationship he has with her - he plays and messes about with her more than I do/am inclined to do and I feel she sees him as the fun one and me as the sourpuss :(. I don't feel he disciplines her enough - I do most of it - I suppose that's why I'm always the bad guy....I feel that we don't sing from the same hymn sheet and that dosn't help - he says I should chill out more!

I am noticing traits in her behaviour that I really don't like - she can be bossy and sulky with her friends, she interrupts constantly, is extremely impatient. She sometimes looks at me and speaks to me with so much attitude and contempt that I feel she dosn't much like me - maybe that's because I bawl at her everyday - I feel I am fuelling her bad behaviour? God, I feel I'm getting this so wrong, it's really dragging me down - I need to reconnect with her and gain some respect from her but I dont know how. Please help! Does anyone Identify with how I feel or am I the only crap Bad Wolf mum out there?

PS She is an only. I have always tried to strive to make things fun - she plays out with friends a lot, we always have kids in if she wants to play in, we take her out a lot with her friends, they come for tea, we have playdates with kids from school - I do try, but I find it a chore sometimes - I crave my own space continually - maybe she's picking up on this?

Have you read the Unconditional Parenting thread on the Talk topic 'Being a Parent/Parenting'. It offers some alternative ways of looking at parenting that might help you find more enjoyment in parenting again.

okay let's have a go at unpicking this a bit

you are right in that she does it to provoke a response from you - attention, any attention, is what children crave. So turn it round, you can't change her behaviour per se but you can change how you react. Ignore what you can, catch her being 'good' and comment on it, have immediate sanctions for unwanted behaviours (hurting you for eg). Remove the fuel and the fire will damp down, yes?

Dial down the shouting, remember you are modelling behaviour that she will emulate (difficult I know)

DH - you absolutely need to establish privately with him what the parameters are; if you are not singing the same song then DD will divide and rule [wild over exaggeration but you get my point] so sit down and see what you can agree on

Now, moving onto you - what do you do for yourself; do you have that dreadful phrase 'me-time?

Am totally on board with the way you are feeling at the moment. Am going through the same thing...sad thing is I teach pupils with severe learning difficulties and go to work for a rest! At least they listen! Am having similar problems to you at the moment but i think there are a few underlying problems with us

1. am only 3 weeks away from having our 2nd baby, think my DS is very aware and is starting to feel insecure about this.
2. DH - pain in the arse when it comes to discipline - said in a wet voice "dont do that" aaaaargh! He is 3 you have to go to him and show him you mean it - sanctions in our house are counting to 3 then the removal of a favourite toy which is returned for good behaviour - if I count to 3 he realises I mean it and that I will follow through with this, if DH says it he realises that it takes DH at least 2 minutes to get his arse up to go to him by which point he has completely gone ballistic - I try not to intervene in these sessions because DS needs to know that DH isnt a pushover!

Lots of this problem stem from the fact that my hubby works for his father who is a ** and works 7 days a week with no time off therefore spending no time with DS and is so tired when he does he cant be arsed or loses his temper. He has some time off on a sunday afternoon which are always the huge flashpoints and leave DH and myself totally exhausted.

1. I am quite tired myself and finding myself short tempered at the mo.
2. DS in plaster after an accident with childminder left him with broken ankle - little angel told the nurse in casualty when asked if he was told to get down from the wall - height of a kerb - no because I knew better! So he is quite frustrated at the mo too!

Its hard to be understanding when you are exhausted and feel so low. I dont have me time at the moment as by the time he is in bed I am too! You need to try and have some time away from her - and not feel guilty! Join a gym - my gym has a creche attatched and then we both go into the soft play area, or to the park for a play on the swings. Even if you go out of the house for a walk without her it does help - beleive me I've tried! It will get better - it sounds like you are falling into the guilt trap - it is ok to not want to be around your kids when they are being difficult, everyone goes through it! It will get easier. Pick your battles - try the counting to 3 and then remove a favourite toy - this does lead to meltdown initially but once they realise what the sanctions are they react well. Reward charts are always good - lots of stickers, positive reinforcement of good behaviour - reporting it to someone else - Daddy will be so proud of how good you have been - reward a period of good behaviour with a treat for the 3 of you! Then sneak in one of your own! Hope its of some help to know you are not alone in this!

Thanks for your replies. Will check out the other thread - thanks monkoray.

531 - what you say makes so much sense and I will try and put these strategies into place. Coming up with a sanction that will make her sit up and take notice is getting hard - I usually use the threat of sending a dolly to the charity shop - she will now go to her dolly box and ask me which one shall we send!!! Ignoring is key, I know - I need to work out in my own mind what to ignore and what needs to be dealt with - atm, I'm down on her for everything and that needs to change. The shouting makes me feel crap and dd has said to her nanny that mummy shouts too much - I MUST try and deal with that. And yes, DH and I need a good chat about our parenting styles - I feel he's too laid back, he feels I'm too keyed up - never the twain shall meet??? I do get me time - she's at school and I am fortunate enough (at the moment) not to be working - but will be looking for that all elusive job that fits round school soon - after being out of work for nearly 6 years, that is daunting for me! So in between the housework and shopping, I do get time to myself and DH and in-laws do their bit too, so I can't grumble there - what frightens me is that still dosn't seem enough of a break - at the moment I'm struggling to have her round me at all as I don't want the confrontation :(

Georgie - you make some good points and thanks for the advice - the common thread here is having a bit more patience, having a strategy for dealing with bad behaviour effectively, toning down the shouting and having a bit of space. Thanks also for making me feel it's OK to want to be child-free when they are bing a nightmare - you are right, I am consumed with guilt and have been for years :(. Good luck with ds and with the new baby :)
Thanks again to all for taking the time to post. x.

You are very welcome! Thanks for the good luck wishes. Pick your battles and you can do it! Make sure you get enough rest too!