Does attachment parenting produce an over attached child?

[camdenflick]

I did my own version of attachment parenting lite (he was in bed with me for his first year and I carried him in a sling during the day, etc.) with DS1, now 4.3. Lots of people said he'd get 'over attached' to me and I thought 'there's no such thing as an over attached baby!'. But now, having been at nursery since last September, he still seems to be anxious and stressed when I drop him off. IS he over attached? Ans WILL he find more independence difficult? My aim was to instil confidence in him but it seems to have had the opposite effect. Any thought as to how to proceed?

I did the same with my first child, and she has always been very confident and independent, so I really don't think it's the fact that he slept with you and you carried him round with you that is making him anxious.

Is he an only child? How is he after you have dropped him off? Some children cling to their parents but are fine once they leave. What do you think of the nursery? And how is he when you leave him with other people and when he's with you? Maybe he's just worried that the minute he leaves you, you'll be having a big party and he'll be missing out on something ...

Ime as parents we often worry that we have made our children whatever they are, and we reduce the importance in our minds of all the other factors. Children have their own personalities, and I'm sure we don't need to feel so guilty all the time.

But it is important to deal with issues as they arise, so you do need to find out if there's anything or anyone at nursery that's upsetting him.

Sorry to hear your ds is finding things difficult. Have there been any big changes at home? Have you spoken to his teachers?

In the short answer, no: attachment parenting does not produce an over attached child.

It doesn't sound as if your ds is over attached, it sounds like he is having a problem settling in at nursery and needs help in doing so. That happens to many children. Some children are more independent then others.

My children are the product of attachment parenting, and all started creche at age one for two days a week; and full time school from age two and a half. They are now 7 years 5 years and two and a half and none of them have attachment problem, and all enjoy school, which is down to the fantastic teachers.

DD2 never settled into creche but she settled into school at age two and a half with no problems.

I would say I did attachment parenting with my DD - she slept in my bed until she was nearly 5, breastfed for nearly that long, didn't use nurseries, pretty much followed her lead. She settled into pre-school quite slowly - she went there at 2.10 and it took her a couple of years to really relax (she was one of the youngest ones in her class). She and I are still über close but she is one of the most confident children in her class about playdates, sleepovers, talking to adults etc, and she is in a very cosmopolitan school where going to someone else's house often means different culture, languages, food etc. She does it all with aplomb. So don't worry, carry on. One thing though - do try to have a social life with other mothers and children, and actively work on getting your DS to enjoy parties, playdates etc.

Dd has just moved out of my bed (she is 7) and I bf her till she was almost 6.

She turned merrily away from me 3 yrs ago on her first day at nursery (leaving me in tears ) and tbh, has never looked back.

All children are different, some take to nursery/school quicker and easier than others, but I would say categorically it's nothing to do with AP. (If anything, I agree with the idea that AP gives the child such a great sense of calm and security that they can go off by themselves safe in the knowledge that it's OK to do so, Mum is still always going to be there at the end.)

Maybe ask the nursery what is happening once you've left? What does he say about it?

Agree with others...no ap does not produce over attached children (disclaimer...in every walk of parenting there are folk who unknowingly bring their issues along in a major way and this affects their kids...ap isn't a cure all)

Ds is only 15m but will happily wonder off anywhere, go to other people etc.

He cries when i leave but settles quickly afterwards. This is a sign of a secure attachment. They would rather be with you, but it isn't the end of the world and they happily get on on when you're not there. This is worth remembering in relation to your ds. Though as others have said there may be something going on at nursery or it may be a matter of his personal preference etc like belgo's dd2.

Also he is more than happy to go off and leave me. I think the problem is more me going exploring and him not, as he see's it.

For me the underlying theme in ap is that you can not teach independance. You have to wait for it to appear. So as far as possible i aim for ds to signal what he needs. So i will bf, co sleep, sling etc untill he decides he's had enough. Then he can walk away having had his needs met.

Obviously this is not a criticism of you op, but would you consider co sleeping for longer with another dc? Clearly it isn't for everyone, i know it drives some people mad. But i also know that there is alot of pressure from the "rod for your own back" school to get dc's in their own bed asap. If you and a dc were happy with it it night be a pleasure for both of you.

Tbh i from what you have said the problem seems to be more with other peoples comments. To me your ds sounds well withing the normal spectrum of behavior.

Thanks all for your support.

He no longer cries after I've gone but is also not altogether happy during the 3 hours he's at nursery. He was never in any other childcare setting prior to this as he has serious multiple food allergies and I was worried about having anyone else take care of him.

He loves going on playdates with friends from nursery and is good at playgroups as I'm always there with him. He's also fine being babysat by his grandma or autns and uncle but I've not yet left him alone with a paid babysitter from an agency or anything like that.

He has a youger brother, now 1.1 who he gets on very well with although he can play a little too roughly and noisily sometimes.

The teachers at the nursery seem really good and supportive. They say he is fine after I've gone but can seem subdued and is worried about going outside (he's never like this at home or at friends houses).

I'm really just concerned as I thought he would have settled in by now and I see other kids running off into the classroom while my DS is still holding my hand with an iron grip. Eight months on, I still feel that I'm cajoling him into going to school.

I know all children have their own personalities but I'm a nurture rather than nature type - I beleive it's socialisation and environment that shape them and I'm concerned that things I'm doing have lead him to be anxious. I'm just not sure what I'm doing!

Many thanks again.

Do you think he's just slightly wary of the other kids? Maybe there are some rough ones at nursery - which might help explain why he doesn't rush off to play, and why he's fine while you're there? Nursery and school really can be a bit of a jungle sometimes ...

"For me the underlying theme in ap is that you can not teach independance. You have to wait for it to appear."

For me, the underlying theme in attachment parenting is that you cannot force independence, but I do think you can teach it, in that it is your responsibility as a parent to show your children all the lovely opportunities that there are out in the world for them to grab, and to support them when they decide it is the time to seize those opportunities on their own.

ok, it's semantics but i still think that having set the example of independance (showing opportunities etc as you say bonsoir) you have to wait for the dc to be ready to take their own steps. I'd call this, modeling maybe? To me teaching is more explicit and formal "right jonny, you walk over there on your own, and then you'll be independant"...maybe that's just me.

And no you certainly can't force it.

I have heard people say that they, for example,make their dc play in their own room alone, to "teach them some independence" What i was trying to get at was that i don't think the op needs to push for independance iyswim.

No, I don't think teaching = giving instructions. There are many teaching techniques.