How do I cope with this?

[Brewster]

So.... My son is 2 months off his 3rd birthday and I am about 6 weeks pregnant.

It has been a struggle and a half getting pregnant this time round...fertility treatments that failed and then yipppee first IVF cycle finally did the job.

We feel like we have been through the wringer and back again with all of this and sick dogs, and my grandmother passing and other family issues etc etc....I just feel we have been kncoked down time and time again over the past year.

Anyway.....my son is really acting up. moaning alot, wanting 100% attention 100% of the time, wanting to be carried everywhere, tantrums about everything...it just goes on and on.
He is the sweetest, loviest little man most of the time - although always been very demanding and quite 'high maintenance'.

Some nights he wont kiss and cuddle me before bed which breaks my heart and now it is at the stage where one of us (usually my hubby cos I have a bad back) has to sleep on his floor otherwise he it tears and screamingbefore bed then lots of waking in the night and he wont go back to sleep unless one of us is with him....

I guess basically I am asking if anyone else lovely toddler has started acting like this and how do you cope with it?
The every day naughtiness is doing my head in...how do you stop being angry with them all the time?
I am just so fed up and starting to feel anxious all the time about what he will do next and how I will deal with it...

Thanks

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I do understand.
My DD has always been demanding and hard work, but between the ages of 2.5 and 3 she was an absolute nightmare.

Although the gap between my DCs is smaller than yours, one thing I noticed was that as soon as I became pregnant DD's behaviour changed. She was only one at the time, but she seemed to 'know' that I was pregnant as soon as it happened and well before there were any outward signs to indicate it.
She became clingy, demanding, stroppy and jealous, much like your DS seems to have done.
I honestly believe that small children are tuned to our hormones/smells/behavious etc and your DS has probably recognised already that something is different.
Although it's really hard for you, try to give him love and support to reassure him. In turn you should find that he feels more secure and becomes less clingy.

It's a bit early yet, but in time you can help to prepare him for the arrival of his sibling with special books, giving him a doll to look after and by talking about it. Try to be as honest and open with him as possible about it all.

Certainly don't take it to heart if he goes to bed without having a cuddle. You KNOW that he loves you more than anyone else in the world. Nothing changes that regardless of whether or not he is able to express it from moment to moment. Only this morning my 2 year old DS revelled in telling me 'I don't love mummy' over and over again. It hurt a little, but I know he didn't actually mean it.

The main thing to remember is that this is normal for his age and that it is only a phase. He WILL grow out of it. No matter how awful it seems now and how it feels it will go on for ever, the phase will end and he will move onto something new.

Good luck.

Thank you so much Ruth.....I am crying while reading your reply...at last someone who understands.

He tells me he doesnt love me in the car!! but he does in the house!

I have always doubted my ability as a mother and suffered terrible post natal depression and now to have him openly reject me is breakng my heart.

I feel i have / am doing something wrong and our bond and special relationship is being damaged.
I just feel so stressed and anxious and worn out by it all and dont know how to get out of this hole we seem to be in.

He has always been very in tune with my emotions so I believe you are right when you say he can sense something with the pregnancy. Though we have told him and he sometimes kisses my belly.
When did your little one stop with the behaviour? pkease dont say it lasted the whole pregnancy......

No, no!!!
You KNOW he loves you.
He doesn't mean it. He just knows that it's a way of getting to you and it is clearly working.
When he tells you he doesn't love you, simply say 'oh that's a shame, because mummy loves you very much.' Do not let it get to you.
You are still the one he runs to when he falls over and you are still the one he wants to cuddle.
I honestly think it takes an awful lot to muck up a mother-child relationship and I very much doubt that you are anywhere near that point yet.

2 years old seems to be a time of great turmoil. The changes children go through at that age are extreme. Their brains are being completely reorganised, they learn so much movement and coordination, social skills, language, new abilities, play groups/preschools, new siblings etc etc.
There are so many goods things going in their lives, but these are combined with new frustrations, new rules and controls, a new awareness of their own limitations and inabilities... The list is endless.
They say that a toddler has a lot in common with a teenager in terms hormones, changes, tantrums etc.

You are stressed and tired and feeling hormonal. This is all getting on top of you.
It sounds like it is the situation that is getting you down, not that you or your son are doing anything wrong or unusual.
Can you get any extra help at this particular time? Maybe some time apart would give you both some space, allowing you to rest and destress and your DS some time to realise just how much he does love his mummy.
Is there anyone who could help by taking him for a few hours each week?
I'm sure once you get into your second trimester and your pregnancy and hormones settle down a bit you will find more able to bring this into perspective.
I suffered greatly during my second pregnancy with terrible morning sickness, awful fatigue and time in hospital followed by bedrest when I nearly lost the baby. It was a stressful time, only made worse by having DD making demands of me the entire time.

No, DD's pregnancy tantrums didn't last until DS was born. She settled down after a few weeks. As far as I remember being able to see a visible bump helped, as did talking openly about it.
I bought these two books, which were fabulous and she loved looking at them and discussing the new baby together:

www.amazon.co.uk/My-New-Baby/dp/0859539741/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1305922125&sr=8-3

www.amazon.co.uk/Waiting-Baby-New-Annie-Kubler/dp/0859539733/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1305922224&sr=8-2

Having a doll which she could breast feed, carry, put to bed, nappy change together really helped her too, but that was more relevant after the birth.

You have a lot to deal with at the moment. You DS does too.
It's hard to be patient and understanding sometimes, but this is one of the times that it's the best thing to do.

3 year olds are bloody 'orrible. They're like 2 year olds, but with attitude. This is definitely the time to go for positive attention, ignoring any little stuff that you can, whilst praising him when he's being good. Be very consistent with him too, so he can feel secure in his boundaries.

3 is DEFINITELY worse than 2

They are little shits at this age, honestly

Congrats on the pregnancy though. Lovely news for you

Thanks again Ruth - - you are a fountain on very compassionate good wise advice.
Thank you so much ....do you want to come and live next door and be my best friend..hehehehehee

I guess it my heart I know what you are saying it true but my head is so jumbled up and bungled up I cant think past each naughty episode and am finding it so hard not to be annoyed and pissed off with him all the time.

I just seem to be taking it all so presonally...like he is trying to get undre my skin on purpose...cos he doesnt act this way at my in laws or nursery or childminder..

Even if he is being good and then does one tiny naughty thing I get so exasperated cos I think think ' here we go again'
then i feel so guilty all the time cos I just want to be all giggley and having fun and being relaxed with him
Cant remember the last time we had a whole day of lovliness! that is so sad!
Every night i go to bed anxious about how many time he will wake and how tired i will be in the morning then every morning i worry what the day ahead will be like....am constantly on edge you know.

He goes to a childminder once a week and two afternoons at nursery so I do get time alone which does help.

I will def look at those books thank you.

I SO understand.
I really do.
I too spend a frightening amount of time questioning my own abilities as a mother and am not often very confident.
Offering good advice is easy, taking it myself is far harder. :)

I'm not sure I can move next door, but if you feel like popping over to Belgium for a break, just let me know!!!

It's great that your DS has some time each week in nursery and with a minder. Try to make use of that time yourself, catching up on sleep, going for a stress-relieving swim, reading a book quietly, coffee with friends, whatever you need.
You will have far less time to yourself after DC2 comes along, so try to make the most of what you have now.

Your DS is not doing it to get at you in a really personal way. He probably does enjoy pissing you off in the same way as he enjoys hitting his friends or taking their toys to get a reaction. He's just learning about human relationships and how he can affect other people, exercising his new-found powers over others. All part of being a toddler.

My DS is 2.6 and he drives me absolutely up the wall!
About a month ago, he suddenly and dramatically changed from being a lovely gentle little boy to being an aggressive, destructive, violent, shouty, selfish little monster!
I am just holding on to the hope that his real personality is closer to his gentle side and that at some point I will see it again.
I'm sure your DS will return to his lovely little self at some point too.
(Though of course we may both have to wait until they're about 30!!!) :o

I am worried I have done something to ake this .negative' side of him come out....if i was a better mummy he wouldnt be acting this way.

I am so scared the next 9 months are gonna be fraught and stressful instead of this lovely time while i am pregnant and a time for me and my little man to have some time before the new baby comes.

He has never been a hitter or mena to other kids. He was the only one of the kids i knew who would willing share and not have massive tantrums at playgroups etc.... now though.... I just find myself telling him off all day every day and huffing and puffing.

This afternoon we had a nice time together but then he didnt give me a bedtime cuddle.....what was that about? I had been praising him for everything good he did. keeping patient at dinnertime while he jumped all over teh sofa instead of sitting and eating nicely etc .

agghhhhh...

Ruth you have been a wonderful therapist to me tonight and I cant thank you enough.

You are obviously a very good mummy and a very wise lady and you should take your own advice and listen to your heart as you know it all in there...

big hugs to youxx

I think this awful behaviour is very very common - my DS was challenging, to say the least, from about three and a half to four and a half years old.

I think I have read on here that there is a testosterone surge at this age which affects their behaviour - it seems to make sense.

I just wanted to add to the advice you've already had, to lower your expectations! I think it is way, way, WAY too much to expect to have a full day of harmony! A happy hour is an acheivement and to be celebrated, but don't hope for a whole day because you will be disappointed.

This is NOT because you're a crap mum, it is simply because while adults are mostly governed by logic, a three year old has NO RELATIONSHIP with logic whatsoever. They are still impulsive and without thought for consequence and still largely without the ability to think of things from any other point than their own gratification; and they are prey to huge emotions which they cannot learn to control until they have practised

IMO, due to this, EVERY child is going to have bad days and bad moods and tantrums because it is a necessary part of development - they cannot learn the strategies they need to modify their emotions without a) being at a stage of development where they can understand that they need to consider the feelings of others and b) without the experience of having learned to master their violent emotions

Even if you did everything always 100% perfect he would still be a little terror at times and have bad days, basically.

And with the bedtime hugs thing, really don't take it personally. He doesn't need a hug, because he knows very well he is safe and loved and the centre of his mums world.....he doesn't dish out hugs because YOU would like one, not yet (and maybe never, judging on my ds!!)

oh - sorry, meant to add that THE main thing that helped me with DS when he was so challenging was to not harbour resentment; not bear a grudge. Every day is a clean slate, every hour really. As soon as he has stopped being naughty, you have to take a breath and let that anger go.

If you try to tell yourself that he is a victim of his own emotions and stage of development, I think it helps to make you less angry with them when they are a pain.

It really helps to lower the emotional temperature in the house, imo, the 'clean slate' thing.

Thank you sleeping that helps.

I have been trying to find away to not hold a grudge and have been finding it impossible but the victim thing really helps.

I think i have the idea of a day of happiness cos we have had them in the past....quite a few and it kills me to think these are gone...!!!???

Appreciate all the replies I have had. My experience on Mumsnet has never been very good in the past, lots of judgements and harsh words but tonight you have all been stars....thank you
xx

oh they're not gone forever, Brewster! Remember ALL of childhood is a passing phase!! My DS was very much calmer after 4 and a half years old - the tantrums/angry episodes stopped

Though in the interest of honesty I must add we had another v dodgy time around 7 (but funnily enough I was told on here that 7 or 8 heralds the last testosterone surge before puberty........)

You will get those happiness days back and who knows it might be alot quicker than you think! Good luck, you sound such a lovely mum x

Thank you sleeping.
That is all so helpful and so honest.

So many of teh womena I know will never admit it it hard or a bloody nightmare at times.
according to them it is flowers and rainbows everyday and any little bump in the road ' is worth it'...whatever that means!

YOu sound like a great mum too.

Am tired this morning and feeling all stiff but am doing my best to ignore any moaning and have given praise already so ...fingers crossed we can turn over a new leaf.

Hugs to you all
xxxx