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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I get my DS to realise that it's not all about him?

10 replies

Liliesandveuve · 20/05/2011 09:07

E.g, if the TV is on, he whinges that he want's his TV on
If a song is on the radio in the car, he whinges that he wants to listen to one of his DVD stories.

He doesn't realise that we have a life too.
All I have done is try to explain that sometimes mummy wants to watch her tv- I never do.
Or sometimes mummy would like to read a book or newspaper- every time I pick one up, he will clamber all over me and want attention.

He is 3½
any tips?

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TooManyBlossoms · 20/05/2011 09:17

My dd is now 13 but I remember this stage well - as far as 3 year olds are concerned the world does revolve around them!

However, you're the adult. If you want to listen to the radio/watch tv, do it. Tell him he can have his dvd or whatever on afterwards, then ignore his whinging. I know, easier said than done, but as long as he's getting enough attention from you it won't do him any harm.

CamperFan · 20/05/2011 09:53

The thread title really made me laugh! At 3 I don't think they can understand that, but I think it is important to sometimes do what you want to do as the pp says. My DS1 is 4 and a half and I think he is starting to understand it's not all about him, esp with the arrival of DS2, but it doesn't stop him whinging about things. But I have to say, I don't really try and watch or read anything while he's around - there's no point and I would suggest you don't even try until he's older. You'll have plenty of time for reading when you're old!

I'm lucky in that he loves good music, so music in the car is not a problem, apart from having to switch songs all the time. But if we are dong something boring like a drive to somewhere that's not fun for him, I don't mind. Does your DS like to do anything on his own? Mine adores Lego and will play with this for up to an hour now with minimal interaction from me.

mrsravelstein · 20/05/2011 09:55

it's what 3 year olds are like. he'll be going to school in a year or so, and then you'll miss having him clambering all over you

ChippingIn · 20/05/2011 10:01

It's what 3 year olds do - if you let them.

Just say 'No, Mummy is watching this - you need to play with your toys now' - it is important NOT to always put his things on because he does need to learn that 'it's not all about him' - if you let everything revolve around him, how wont learn that will he :)

Just be firm & consistent - once you have said it, don't go back on it or that will just increase the whinging next time if he thinks he can change your mind by going on & on.

Also, try to find music you both like - songs like 'Had a bad day' are fun to sing together :)

Original poster

Liliesandveuve · 20/05/2011 11:38

I know he's no different than any other 3 year old, but I don't want him to think that everything revolves around him.
I used to read so much and I haven't picked up a book for 3 years, I'm just talking about reading the Sunday paper occasionally!
He has all my attention, all the time, he will play Lego and lovely games, this is not a thread about "me time", it's about trying to teach him that other people need things too. My time with him is so precious
We do sing and dance in the car to the radio, he just whines about having "stick man" on in the car! And I was thinking of getting some other CD's and then I thought I was pandering to him

I'm probably being a bit sensitive about this, his father is very selfish and I'm very concerned that he doesn't grow up like his father

I think it will sink in eventually, I am firm and consistent, I will just keep telling him.

OP posts:

CamperFan · 20/05/2011 20:17

Sorry, but I disagree chipping, at 3 they do think the world revolves around them even if you are firm. DS1 is really well behaved and very thoughtful, but was an only until almost 4 - OP I am assuming your DS is your first? Of course, stay firm and consistent, and you'll find it's another phase they grow out of and you'd do better to find the funny side and laugh about it as much as you can. As mrsravel says, he'll be at school all day before you know it and then you can read all you like. As for what you say about your DH, perhaps he needs to lead by example??

Mellowfruitfulness · 21/05/2011 07:15

Maybe you can call it taking turns: my turn to listen to my music, your turn etc. Do it calmly and in a matter-of-fact way.

But it sounds as if you feel you are being sandwiched between two selfish individuals. Maybe it would be worth trying to deal with your husband's selfishness - not in an aggressive or whiney way but again, try a turn-taking approach.

I understand that you don't want your child to copy his dad, but he is his main role model, and although he has his own personality, he will copy his dad's behaviour towards you and towards sharing. It doesn't mean at all that your son is selfish, just that he will copy his dad's behaviour.

Are you all a little unhappy at the moment maybe? One of you has to try to break out of it. Could you get a weekend away with your husband?What time does the little man go to bed??

I think Camper is right, btw. Not much time for reading etc while little ones are about ...

bigTillyMint · 21/05/2011 07:22

We are still trying with DS aged 10 I do think some children are more me me me than others, but even then, you can help them to think about others.

It is normal for a 3yo to think that everything revolves around them. They learn to share, take-turns, etc through all you do at home and school.

FWIW, we instigated a Saturday and Sunday morning reading time when they were little - so we could read the papers while they read / looked at their books. It took a little time for them to be able to do this independently, but eventually they got the hang of it and we got at least half-an hour to an hour reading time! We all read at the same time and stayed firm that they had to be quiet. If they didn't want to they could go and play in theire rooms quietly on their own.

Original poster

LiliesandVeuve · 21/05/2011 10:01

Thank you, good tips about the taking turns and having a set Reading time. He loves books himself, and has just started to pick them up and read them himself( pictures) .

Wrt his father, he doesn't show any outward signs of selfishness with ds really, he is just inately a very selfish person so I have to make sure that it doesn't rub off on ds, and hope it's not hereditary!

I've only just come to the realisation that dh is a problem, so that's a whole other issue.
But the children have to come first.

OP posts:

Mellowfruitfulness · 21/05/2011 11:24

I agree, Lilies, and some problems can't be tackled head on, all at once.

I've no idea what is or isn't hereditary, but what I think is that even if some unhelpful characteristic is inherited, you can do a lot to mitigate the effects and to help your son deal with it - which you are doing, by the sounds of it. Imo minor selfishness is often a combination of habit, what you see around you and thoughtlessness; you are bringing it to your son's attention that other people need to be considered.

It's really hard for an adult to say 'I'm (or my partner is) like this and I really wish I wasn't, because it's unhelpful or makes life difficult', and then try to stop a child being like that. I think you have to work on yourself first. It's not usually a good idea to point out other people's faults, or possible to change them.

But I think it helps to be realistic about what can and can't be changed, and what is worth trying to solve and what isn't.

Hope that doesn't sound like a lecture in pop psychology ...

Good luck.

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