my 9 year old son's behaviour is driving me mad!

[dotty2010]

i hope that someone can relate to my problem as im at breaking point! my 9 year old son has been naughty since play school (age 3) and it hasnt stopped. i broke up with his dad when my son was 1 years old. he still sees his dad on a regular basis. hes always been short tempered and has always been in trouble at school either for fighting or just being mouthy to the teachers which he does alot at home as well. he always seems to be on cloud 9, it takes him 20mins just to put on his school trousers in the morn! he forgets everything i tell him to do. if hes been mouthy or done something wrong he runs away when i tell him off. i caught him staring at his clock in his bedroom the other morn which was very weird! so i took it out of his room and he found his wrist watch and started staring at that while lying on his bed! he will go to the toilet 2-3 times in the night sometimes even as late as 2am even tho he had his last drink at 6pm. then hes up at 6am going to the toilet again. i have a partner who ive been with for 3 years and we are supposed to be getting married next year in june. he says if things dont change with my son then hes going to have to move out and its over. its a constant argue with my son every single day and this has been going on for 6 years! i also have a 4 year old son who is as good as gold. but hes starting to pick up on alot of what my eldest son does and says. i really dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to loose my fiance all i want is my son to stop what hes doing once and for all.

Do you have much one on one time with your eldest? sounds like he is crying our for time with you.
I have a 7 yr old DS that can be a handful now and again, but I have discovered alot of the troubles with him stemmed from me, lack of patience, time and understanding, kids will clutch at straws and do anything for your attention - hence perhaps your sons behaviour?

I can sympathise with you reg your new partner, but I would be questioning his support if he is threatening to leave you if your sons behaviour doesnt change, you have from the sounds of it an unhappy little 9 yr old that needs some attention and support, not people walking away, maybe you and your partner could put more effort into being there for him?

I hope this reply doesnt sound like a huge nag or lecture, but I am discovering alot of "issues" that parents are having with their children actually lay in the mirror, its amazing how if you change your behaviour your son will change also.

Good luck x

He may have ADHD symptoms... It may also be related to the vicious circle of bad behaviour=disapproval, bad behaviour=disapproval.. etc.

I have this with my DS who is now 10 and at times has/can always be short tempered, not listening, and not answering when spoken to. He is just like his Dad so no surprise there.
We had my son tested for ADHD and the psycholigist said it was something more complicated but she cldnt pin point what. It sounds like your DS is bright and intelligent, but needs firm boundaries and lots of rewards and praise for any good behaviour. Children with ADHD, Aspergers, or intelligent children can become fixated on one thing. Why did you take the clock out? Why did that seems weird to you ? Maybe he is learning about Time/clocks at school...
Was there a real need to remove it ...? He was thinking and studying something , surely that is a good thing? At times my son can take ages in the shower, but then can be really quick with something else. Your DS sounds like he is a live wire...and obviously is not a big sleepy head . Does he react to certain foods... It might be an idea to see if he becomes hyper, naughty, aggressive more after certain foods.
Its so hard when you have a partner, who as you say is fed up with all this too, as your DS will pick up on that and act out even more to get yours and DP attention. Bad attention is better than no attention, so try to give attention when he is being quiet co operative and good.

Words like , "Well done ,, I really like it when you are being so quiet/good " He will thrive on approval and praise as all humans do.

Setting good examples at home of no swearing words and arguing with him , sibling or DP will help.
So sorry to hear your DP is struggling with it too...thats so horrible for you.

thank you for the replys. i used to spend alot of time with him, playing board games, watching dvds and talking with him about anything he wanted to talk about, but since his behavour has been getting worse i have drifted apart from him, and i feel really bad for saying that but the bond between us has gone! everyday when i pick him up from school the teacher or the head has to tell me that hes been naughty in school. not only is it embarrasing in front of all the other parents to be the only one that gets stopped by the teacher, but it also breaks my heart evertime! then when i tell him hes not allowed to go out when he gets home and play he starts with his temper,when he knows he shouldnt behaving the way he does in school. my fiance is getting sick of it as he has just started his new job, and everytime he comes home from work all he hears is my son being naughty, and plus he wakes my fiance up everynight with his early hours toilet trips. my fiance has tried to help me with my son but it hasnt worked and that is why he cant take anymore of it as well as me.

Have you thought of telling your fiance something good about your son when he gets home..If there is something, just something you can say positive, for your son to overhear he might get the impression you are on his side and stop "acting out" to get your attention.

I think you need to get the school to help you. If he's being naughty day after day they shouldn't just be telling him off, they should be working in partnership with you to HELP him and improve his behaviour. Schools should have also sorts of way to nurture difficult pupils, access to outside support.

It may be worth you seeing a child psychologist as it sounds as though there are concentration and social/emotional issues which need addressing for him to make the transition into teenager hood without driving all of you mad.

Behavioral therapy might be worth looking into, but investigate without taking your son along so you can judge if it might help.

I agree with a few other on here. It sounds to me as though your son is struggling with his behaviour and emotions. The school should be supporting him rather than being constantly disappointed with him. You have to spend more time with him and give him the attention he is obviously craving. My son is 8 and has been diagnosed with ADHD. He never gets fixated on things as that's more of an autistic traite, but he is full on 24/7 and it can be exhausting. Why don't you pop along to your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatric professional if you are desperate and think he you your family need help to deal with him. You don't have to take you son and you can talk over your concerns. Get school to write a report of sorts to indicate his issues in the classroom. I would also be very wary of any man that threatened to leave because of my son .. Sorry, but it's not a competition and he should never give ultimatums about leaving.

I have two sons, who are often badly behaved, I may add
What they seem to NEED more than anything is 1-1 time with their Dad. Whether it is watching football together, playing goalie in the park, eating pizza in front of a DVD, chatting, even reading a story together.
This seems to work wonders for their self-esteem and confidence.

If your fiance wants to make a family with you, could he think about possibly spending some 1-1 time with your son? It could literally be sitting next to him on the sofa, watching something neutral on TV they both like, not fighting about anything, not criticising, not judging. I think if he's not willing to even think about spending special time with your son to improve his relationship with him, rather than just getting cross with him, the situation will not improve when you are married. The problem is not going to go away unless he gets on with your fiance.

I can feel how much you love your son, and how sad it makes you that he is behaving badly. I can relate to that completely; sometimes I just think where did my beautiful little baby boy that I loved so completely go? Why is he so bolshy - where have I gone wrong.
But the bond is still there, your son is probably just desperately trying to get back to a position where he comes first in your life, as well as growing up and wanting to do things his way, and be independent, follow his own ideas about what is fun, interesting, etc...
If you had the bond, it will never go, I think you just need to reassure him that you love him regardless of your love for your fiance, regardless of how he behaves, and start from that unconditional point, whilst setting boundaries. But you need help, it is a tough tough process.

Also I can completely sympathise with your fiance feeling fed up. My Dh frequently threatens to leave the house and go back to work because everyone is so awful - he often says he comes home and EVERYONE IS SCREAMING and can't bear it. But that doesn't mean it is just your problem, or just your son's. I think you need to include your fiance in any strategy for improving your son's behaviour.
I think your son is clearly a live wire and needs lots of playing out time. One of the things I found helped was to take mine to a football afterschool session twice a week, or just make sure they sent to the park to run around a lot after school. It could be as simple as just needing to be outdoors letting off steam after a day sitting still at school. Computers made things much worse, and were often flash points in any arguments.

it isn't realistic to want him to stop being naughty once and for all. That just isn't going to happen. But it's very hard to break a cycle of behaviour - he plays up - you're fed up with it - haven't got the energy to deal with it - you get cross - he gets cross - fiance fed up....
You could try to focus on just one thing at a time. Ask HIM why he gets so cross. And listen to the answer, it may take some time for him to think it through and will probably just say "i don't know". Try just waiting and see what comes out. Ask him to sit with you and agree a few ground rules that everyone has to abide by. Ask himw what would make life easier for everyone at home and explain he has a part to say in how you all get along. Maybe only 3 things eg. no hitting, waiting for the other person to finish speaking, get your things ready for school the night before. If you listen to his ideas and they are rules he has agreed with then he's more likely to stick to them. If the rules get broken then have a simple consequence, maybe 10 mins earlier to go upstairs to bed?

It will make it miles easier if your fiance is with you on this, but he also needs to realise that life with kids is NEVER going to be perfect! Maybe if he feels more involved and that he can actually help things change he will feel better about it. oooh! so some similarities there about little boys and big boys!!