New baby, new dad

[c00kiemonster]

Morning,

My wife and I were blessed with a gorgeous daughter last Friday and came home from hospital on Sunday. This first week has been tough beyond belief. I wasn't so naive that I expected it to be a doddle but it would be nice to know that what we're going through is typical. The little one is breast-feeding but it's hard to know if she's getting enough milk. When she's awake and not feeding, she's screaming and distressed. She sleeps well enough when she does go down but I read somewhere that babies are supposed to sleep for about 80 per cent of the time. Our baby is awake far more often than that and only seems to be content when she feeds. I struggle to comfort her and she rarely settles down when I'm holding her (a bit upsetting to be fair).

Anyway, there's no real point to this post other than to seek a bit of reassurance. I know I'll probably look back at this in a couple of months time and laugh but I can't feel it at the moment.

Thanks ladies and gents

Sounds really really normal -lots of small babies don't sleep that much - is she putting on weight ok - if so don't worry - BF babies need to built up the supply
the best thing you can do is support your wife as much as posible - ie cooking, shopping, cleaning - and encorage her to get a much sleep/rest as possible.
Also my OH did baths alot so when are you both a bit more confident maybe that could be your job?
Have you a sling as little babies sometime settle in them

How was she born? Babies born using instruments such as forceps and ventouse are often more unsettled and sleep less in the beginning. They're perhaps sore from having been pulled on or whatever. She may also be overwhelmed by all the sensatory inputs she's receiving. Remember she's been in a calm, dark and warm place for a long time. Keep noise and light to a minimum for a while to see if that helps. Swaddle her to make her feel close and safe. Carry her in a sling too, often good. There's also something called "white noise" which is basically the sort of sounds your baby would have heard while in the womb (your wife's heartbeat, digestion etc). Some people buy a cd with white noise to play at sleep times others try putting the hoover on or their blowdryers. Try it all and see what suits your baby.

If the crying is very high pitched and persists for a long time (hours) and occurs around the same time every day the baby may have colic, particularly if the birth was a normal vaginal birth without interventions. If you think it is more than normal newborn behaviour adapting to their environment then take her to the doctor. Try to arrange for an appointment at the time when your daughter is normally at her most upset (for the doctor to see).

There's a wast amount of knowledge out there in books and on web pages like this which you can draw from but the most important thing I think is to stay calm, look after yourself and your wife (try to make sure both of you have sleep and good food) and learn from your baby what she wants from you. Maybe encourage your wife to go to bed for a couple of days to let the baby have lots of skin to skin contact and get the milk supply up. After those days some more stimuli can be introduced slowly. I wish I had done that and definetely plan to do that when I have the next one.

Yes, there are times when you are pulling your hair out trying to think of whatever else you can do to calm the little one down, we've all been there - as this anecdote will tell you: A friend of mine's hubby used to take of his shirt and held his son close while running up and down the stairs repeatedly until the baby was asleep. The many avenues they must have tried to settle the baby 'normally' before the dad decided to try running the stairs... It DOES GET BETTER THOUGH. Good luck!

When I say "particularly if the birth was a normal vaginal birth without interventions" I did NOT mean that vaginally born children are more prone to colic! What I meant was that if you don't think any pain to the head or neck (due to forceps or ventouse) could be the problem then colic (or reflux) may be the problem. Sorry, I'm sleep deprived too!

Try using Infacol to allieviate wind, worked for us.

My two girls have always responded well to daddy swaying or jiggling around and rubbing or patting their bottoms. Try to get some fresh air too!

I sympathise totally! I'm a lady and my baby screamed relentlessly even when I held her! When you hold her try taking off you shirt and take off her vest so she gets skin to skin contact with you as well this will calm her. Try and minimise visitors until she settles although I know this is hard. Could be that she will take a while to settle, could be colic or in our case it was reflux that didn't get sorted until our daughter was 5 months. Like another poster suggested get a sling I got one from Freedom Slings online and walk about with her in it they feel contained and safe in them. Good luck x

Congrats to you!

My DD is very very uncuddly, and it took a while for us to work that out as it's natural to assume all babies love skin to skin contact and snuggling down in bed with their parents. That's not of course to say that your baby won't love that, but if it doesn't work in your case don't think you're doing anything wrong.

DD needed to be upright (silent reflux - check out the symptoms), so a sling worked well for us. We had a Close Parent one, very comfortable for both baby and parent, and easily adjustable for two different sized parents. That said, there were times when she screamed blue murder in it. She's now 10.5 months and we've realised she is very independent and will only be held close when she feels like it!

The crying is hard to listen to, isn't it? It was like nails down a blackboard for both me and DP. You will get used to it, and you'll start to understand what the different cries mean.

Things that worked for settling DD: driving in the car (don't stop unless it's a life threatening situation!), being walked in the sling (ditto re life threatening situation!), being rocked in one of those battery driven swings.

Lots of people swear by cranio sacral therapy to check for any misalignments or compression.

I'd second trying to stay calm, DP found the first part of fatherhood really really difficult and it had a negative effect on me. It's all trial and error, and it sounds like you're doing your best. Plenty of good advice on the other topics, particularly the feeding and sleeping threads.

Thanks for the replies, some really useful comments in there. She was delivered by forceps so that might be an issue, and it has to be said that she's getting a little better by the day in terms of how settled she is. She's also having a good go at feeding (my wife's been brilliant with her perseverance) but it's hard to know if she's getting enough milk - she's due to be weighed later today so I guess we'll find out. Having gone through five days, we're very reluctant to waste the hard work and turn to formula.

As for housework etc, I totally agree - that's my job and I'm more than happy with that (even though my standards are pretty low...)

Just to say - re enough milk - how often they are feeding is not an indication at this stage - hope baby's weight is ok - if it is she is getting enough milk

and is there are a breastfeeding group near by that can be very helpful if you or your wife need support

and just to say my SIL has a quite unsettled baby who fed a lot (also forceps)- he had formula from 2 weeks and was if anything worse so don't think it would be automatically be the solution,
and just to say I wouldn't mention FF to your wife because if you are trying your best to BF saying what about a bottle is not that supportive - not saying you are doing that of course

if your OH can feed lying down that can be a real help for her getting some rest

Your OH is lucky to have you being so supportive. Don't worry - it sounds as though you're doing all the right things.

1. She's only five days old, and won't settle down much for a couple of weeks - it takes a baby a while to get used to being out in the world. Putting in a sling and walking around worked a treat for us (they always know if you sit down and start grizzling again!) - the Close Baby Carrier was great, as was the Papoozle. Not a babybjorn, if it's going to be for long periods (they put too much weight on the pelvis) but anything that lets you do a kangaroo-style carry.
2. Breastfeeding can be very difficult at first - you're both learning a new skill! If the baby's top and bottom lip are curled back, there's more areole visible above than below, and there's no white line across the end of the nipple when she comes off, then it's probably going ok. It can still be painful though, till you both get it right - after about ten days it'll seem like a breeze! It is WELL worth sticking with, for both health and convenience reasons! A baby has to really be doing poorly on breastmilk before formula is a better route.
3. You have something your OH doesn't have - a deep voice! Babies hear not just through their ears but through their skulls. They really like the vibrations of a deep voice. Try holding her up to your chest, with her legs tucked right up under her and her head turned to the side nuzzled under your neck, then hum or sing while swaying or rocking her.
4. Finally, don't worry - you have a LONG time to get this right. Feeling like it's two steps forward and one step back is perfectly normal!

After 5 days the weight probably will have dropped and that is normal. If you are getting wet nappies and the odd dirty one too then she is fine. Keep going, try swaddling, pacing up and down, shushing, sucking on a finger if she will. Try a dummy, you never know. It gets easier!

We've got quite a few BF support groups round about us so I'm going to get in touch with one of them. A sling might be a good idea too. Tbf I do feel like we're making progress but it's easy to get demoralised and panicky. Talk about being out of your depth

I am going to stick my neck out here but re the feeding - if you feel that other things haven't worked, please don't feel that by turning to formula you are failing or giving up or have somehow "wasted" the effort of BF thus far. I have mix fed both my DCs pretty much from birth for three reasons 1. Allows other people to feed her and takes the pressure off me to ALWAYS have to be the one to do it (without constant expressing) 2. Allows Dad in particular to be involved in the major activity of their day at this point 3. Gave baby enough to eat. Both my two, especially DC1 simply wasn't getting enough from me, especially at the start when my milk was slow to come. when we introduced formula (for the bedtime feed initially) he settled much more quickly and for longer. Point being, it is NOT a failure if you dont exclusively breastfeed and persevering to the point where all three of you are miserable is not the answer.

Wait till you have baby no. 2 - you will look back and think 'what was all the fuss about, it was easy with just one!' Your experience sounds like ours. DS1 was only happy when feeding, fed all the time, and in the evening/night time, wailed his head off unless i held him. Actually, DS2 did that too, but it didn't seem so strange then.

After a few weeks/months, they both got very happy with DH holding them - he always does their bathtime, and if i come in, the boys order me out! Just stay supportive of your wife, and your bond with baby will just naturally develop and strengthen. There is a long road ahead, and plenty of time. We have found that sleep goes through different stages and there have been periods where it HAS to be me putting one of the boys to bed, and other periods where DH is MUCH better than me at getting it done. Your turn will come!

I BF and DS1 lost weight in the first couple of weeks and then very gradually began putting it on. Then at about 4/5 weeks, he piled it on. Don't worry too much about that. There is some stat somewhere that says that one strong factor in the success of breastfeeding is how supportive the male partner is of the woman doing it, so sounds like you're doing well there. Don't express too much concern as it might make her feel undermined, follow your wife's lead.

My top tip is just take everything one day at a time for the first few months, and then suddenly you'll find you're in the swing of things, and it feels great. It is such an overwhelming experience when you're in it.

I think it is fairly common at this stage to wonder why you didn't get a dog instead. It is really hard but it sounds like you are doing really well. I'd just remember that you can't feed them too often at this stage and that there's no need to worry about doing anything other than looking after the baby/your wife. Every baby is different but I found that holding both DDs really tight and dancing (or just jiggling) helped calm them at this age.

It does get better I promise! Keep going!

With breastfeeding its not uncommon for the new baby to feed quite a lot.
In the first few weeks my daughter had her son at the breast for most of the day until the feeding became established. It won't last forever.

You are freaked out, your baby is freaked out, your wife is freaked out. You are all getting to know one another and 5 days is nothing compared to how long you will all be together - of course you are feeling out of your depth. But you have come to the right place!

Congratulations and don't panic or feel like you need to 'do' anything other than what you are (naturally) doing.

RE producing enough milk - with breastfeeding to a certain extent you have to trust in the baby because of course you can't see how much she is getting. But don't get disheartened so early on.

She should be producing at least 6-8 wet nappies a day - that should indicate for you if she is getting enough. Pooey ones can vary enormously though!
Make sure your DP is getting plenty of rest, when baby is fed, take her and wind her and encourage DP to put her feet up and sleep when the baby sleeps!

There is lots and lots you can do to help with the baby aside from feeding it so please don't go down the "let me give a bottle route" if bfing is going well. You can play with her, bathe her, change her and wind her. I presume you will eventually be going back to work, so it is your DP who will be left to sort out the bottles if you do this!

And expect to be very emotional when you do go back - it is completely natural that you will miss your DD and DP after spending a couple of weeks getting to know this new little person you have created. DH admitted he felt a bit weepy when he first went back to work!

And most of all congratulations to both of you

And remember - THIS TOO WILL PASS

Cheers people, feel an awful lot better for all of the above. As far as the bfing goes, I wouldn't see a move to formula as a failure at all but having come this far, I'd like to think that we can see it through.

Baby's about 12 per cent down on weight so we need to pick up her feeding but she's improved massively in the last 24 hours. I can take the disrupted nights and so on, it's the feeling of helplessness that I'd never experienced before. I doubt whether anything could really prepare you for it. Onwards and upwards innit

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the advice. We've had a good first week all in all and the little lass has really got the hang of bfing now. We're giving that infacol a bash because she's quite windy and quite erratic with her sleeping but we do feel like we're creeping into a tiny routine. We're heading into town for lunch now which may or may not be a hopelessly reckless decision. Super site is mumsnet

oh bless you

good luck and please feel free to come and ask any further questions

NB my second child was a screamer, omg NIGHTMARE, I feel your pain

try taking her t a cranial oesteopath. they are brilliant at settling new babies down. very gentle treatment, best money you will ever spend. ask around and get a recommendation.