Help me explain why smacking is not such a great idea

[aliceinlalaland]

ILs are firmly of the belief that 'strong-willed' children such as mine (3.4 & 14months) benefit from the occasional smack. I disagree, obviously. But I could really do with some convincing research to wave under their noses and put the argument to bed once and for all. Anyone know of any?

Can do a google search of course but just thought MN should be first port of call and would throw up some experts/people who had already had (and won) this argument.

Thanks ladies

alice - you dont need research.

I was smacked as a child. I still remember it. I still remember the physical and mental pain it caused and to be frank my relationship with my parents is not that good becuase of it. I was in no way abused, it was accepted back then (40 years ago), but will not do it to my children. They are not allowed to hit each other or anybody else either.

A good question to ask yourself is whether your DH/DP is allowed to smack you if you do something he doesn't like or that he finds annoying?

I think not.

MoreBeta sorry to hear about your experiences. And I agree with your comparison re whether you would do it to an adult. I suppose the fundamental problem is they they believe it is a parent's job to show the child who's boss and to tame 'strong-willed' children. Now of course I think there need to be boundaries so that a child feels secure and that as a parent you decide what those boundaries lie but that's a slightly different thing.

Call it hitting, not smacking. If your in laws ask why you don't smack try using the word hit in reponse - it's much more powerful.

If you hit a child then you cannot expect them not to follow your example.

How can you tell your child off if he hits another child if you yourself have hit your child?

I don't hit other adults who don't do as I say (however "strong willed" they are) so why on earth would I want to hit a child?

It's just wrong.

My parents used to hit my brother and myself with a wooden cane. Worse than that they used to make us wait in our rooms for a whole hour before they did so we spent an hour terrified of the impending smack. Like MoreBeta it was accepted when I was growing up 20 years ago. This got the results they wanted but we were essentially terrified into behaving well. I definitely resent my parents for this to this day.

Tell your IL's that smacking is LAZY parenting. Tell them that it is much harder work to teach them to behave well in other ways but the results are much better and you do not mentally scar your children.

Oh and by saying that it is LAZY parenting then you have the satisfaction of getting in a little dig at their parenting at the same time

We don't physically abuse murderers and rapists as punishment- it's against human rights, so why would anyone physically abuse a child for bad behaviour (not even comparable with crime!)? That is my view on the situation. However, when you're at your wits end it is easy to 'lose it'. I think as others have said if you smack as punishment and you have 'planned' it that is wrong. I was smacked as a child and I certainly don't plan to do this with my own children.

I convinced my DM that to smack my DC wasn't a good idea.

I told her she would never see them again, that did the trick.

Or everytime your IL's do something you don't like, slap them.

I have strong memories of being smacked - and on occasion properly beaten - as a child and there's no way I would do that to my son or daughter. Using your physical superiority to force your will on a child is immoral, plain and simple.

My niece receives smacks. The only thing it has achieved is that she is more sneaky in order to avoid it happening. It's hardly a parenting success imo.

my dad was a teacher in the 60's he slippered the naughty ones . He didn't hit us he knew it was wrong, he said that he was always hitting the same kids so that shows how ineffective it was:but it frightened all the class.

all the kids i know who are smacked seem to smack other kids. it makes hurting others acceptable and normal. when clearly it is not. there are so many other more effective and constructive ways to discipline.

i was smacked as a child and it wasn't effective. even back then i was aware it was a form of violence and firmly disagreed with it. yes it had immediate impact but the long term effect was deeply negative. i held it against my parents and i held them at arms distance throughout my childhood. it effected how we bonded.

bECAUSE HURTING OTHER PEOPLE IS NOT VERY NICE AND BASICALLY THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING IF YOU SMACK YOUR KIDS - YOU ARE ALSO TEACHING THEM THAT IT IS OK TO PHYSICALLY HURT SOMEONE ELSE AND IT IS NOT.

soRRY THAT WAS IN SIMPLE TERMS - THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE IS ALSO A PART OF IT.

Am not shouting CAPS lock keeps getting stuck!

skyblue, lots of children hit other children. including children who haven't been smacked. Both my sil and my best friend have never ever hit their children. but all 4 children hit others at nursery.

next time they tell you to smack, hit them.
say "i have told you not to go on about that anymore"

when they object you can point out that it is precisely the course of action they have advised so you are practising on them.

Most people who hit their children do so to vent their own anger and frustration, rather than as a calmly thought through punishment. It's hardly an example I would want to set.

My mum spent 18 months trying to persuade me to hit my son "just a little tap" because it is apparently so effective in stopping children from not running across roads, putting their fingers in sockets etc. Apart from the fact that I vividly remember being hit in a variety of ways, all humiliating and creating resentment rather than understanding of what I had done wrong, it is just not necessary. I have never hit either of my boys but they don't run across roads etc. There are other ways. I used to just say "I know it was acceptable in your day but it isn't now and I don't agree with it."

Oh and she has never mentioned it since - DS1 is now 4 and DS2 is 2. I think she has seen that it has not been necessary.

oblomov it's true that nearly all children hit others, but the point is that if you hit them then you have no grounds for telling them that hitting is wrong.

thanks everyone - all very useful feedback. I've thought of all these arguments in my head before but in the heat of the moment my mind goes completely blank and then I just rage internally about it afterwards. Even now it makes me so cross that MIL was lecturing me about how my baby (and I really do feel a 14-month-old is little more than a baby) would benefit from physical punishment - utterly mad, I just wish I'd said what I thought more clearly at the time.

at the end of the day, you shouldn't have to explain your reasons. You're the parent, they're not. I know from personal experience that the inlaws just don't listen, the only thing I could do was to stop the kids from spending time alone with the inlaws. MY IL's are under the impression that my then-3-year-old didn't need to be in a car seat if they were just going to the corner shops.
I disagreed, and told them that unless my kids were in car seats all the time, then the kids wouldn't stay with them.

We have had this 'discusssion' with our parents and friends too. I just usually say that DH and I don't hit/smack/tap each other when we argue, so why would I hit/smack/tap my child? And that usually does the trick. Good luck!

Big reason for me is that on the odd occassion when I have smacked it has usually coincided with a bad day or me being extra knackered. You lost control and, wham, you smack. It backfires too as they can see you've lost control and push you more. Then you've got nowhere to go and the animal feelings you have to hit them harder are terrifying.

Plus, I see DD1 treating DD2 as I treat her - imagine if she learned from me that smacking was acceptable, and then started smacking her tiny baby sister.

We're all animal sometimes and kids will more readily resort to violence than most adults. They have to learn to control their animal instincts and how can we teach them to do this if we don't control our own?

Can i quicklly hijack and ask HOW you do discipline your children, and their age(s) please?

Just for benefit of other parents looking for alternative ideas