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When will my ds start to miss my dh?

18 replies

AussieSim · 30/09/2003 19:39

My ds is 8 months, and my dh works internationally from Mondays to Fridays. At the moment ds seems very happy to see him on Saturday mornings and enjoys being with him on the weekends, obviously it is too early for him to realise that he is completely absent during the week. I guess it won't stay this way though and so wondered whether any MNers have noticed when dh will genuinely start to be missed. Thanks in advance for your contributions.

OP posts:
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fio2 · 30/09/2003 20:35

My hubbie works away during the week too but my two dont seem that bothered tbh. Although they say Dad most the time ie. Daddys car, is daddy there? Daddy phone? My two just seem to have gotten used to the situation really. Will it be a long term thing that your dh is absent all weekdays?

Must add they are very pleased to see Daddy on the weekend and I am too

Jimjams · 30/09/2003 20:38

If its routine he probably won't miss him that much, becuase he'll be used to it. Dh doesn't go away very often- he went away last Feb for 4 days and DS1 (then 3) resorted to sitting in front of his photo, and carrying it around with him. Ds2 (then 13 months) didn't notice.

boyandgirl · 30/09/2003 21:24

My dad worked like that for most of my childhood. He was often away for longer, but shortened his trips as we got older, more I think for my mother's sake than for ours. I don't think either of them realised the effect it would have on us. The first 'feelings' I recall about it was that I became aware that the atmosphere at home changed drastically between relatively peaceful week and noisy tense weekends. I felt terribly guilty that I loved and missed my dad, and wanted him back home, but at the same time didn't want the loss of peacefulness that came with him. When dad was at home, all the things that built up waiting for his return had suddenly to be dealt with, and I never felt that we were really able to enjoy each other. (By 'we' I mean not just me and dad, but the all of the family with each other.) I got the feeling that mum waited for him to come home to deal with things and so she could have a rest, but dad also looked forward to coming home so that he could have a rest.

I don't mean to give you a completely negative picture, but from my experience I don't think it's a good thing for the family to have a weekend dad - in the long term. And when I see the way my ds (3yo) blossoms when he has a lot of time with his dad, then I am convinced.

IMO if a dad (or a mum) has to be away M-F regularly, then the weekends need to be sacred to family life. Yes, of course shopping, chores, finances etc have to be done, but they mustn't take up the whole weekend. And some time has to be dedicated for that parent to spend with the children.

My dad now says that he regrets not taking up the opportunity to move the whole family out for a year or so at a time to one or two of the countries where he worked. At the time my parents felt it would be too disruptive to our educations, but now they recognise that dad's travelling may well have been more disruptive.

pupuce · 30/09/2003 21:32

Are you watching Wife swap.... there is a bit of that

AussieSim · 01/10/2003 18:21

Thanks guys.

Fio2, the travelling is a natural by-product of my dh's career, so probably would not change in the short term unless we can find something suitable (and as well compensated, especially given that I have stopped working). We are both quite fed up with it, and try to make the best of it by taking frequent holidays and by me joining him where he is working, even though it is not ideal (I'm off to Madrid for 10days shortly). How old are your kids?

Jimjams, very cute about the photo - so I guess we can definitely say at 3 he will be noticing, but not so much at 13mths.

Boyandgirl, I know what you mean. My Dad worked 7 day roster shift work till I was 9 when we had a family conference and told him it just wasn't on anymore as it was just miserable for us all. My mum used to do the #just wait till your dad comes home# - very unpleasant for him too I think. My DH is miserable when he calls and hears about what a lovely day ds and I had together and can hear ds laughing in the background.

pupuce, I am in Germany so suspect that I am missing out on some series on British TV, but given the sad face maybe that is a good thing.

Further contributions or elaborations gratefully received. (Am a bit paranoid after thread on MN etiquette, sorry)

OP posts:
fio2 · 01/10/2003 18:59

My dd is 3 1/2 and ds is nearly 2. My dh works for an MoD contracting company and his job description has always meant he had to travel. His last company it was overseas travel mainly Saudi. But his new job is more office based but it is in Kent and we are in Staffs at the moment. He has been offered relocation so we are currently in the process of moving down there but it has been 4 months already

suedonim · 01/10/2003 21:23

Aussiesim, my dh has worked away a lot over the years, so I've a bit of experience. My children didn't really miss him that much, when they were small, because it was all they knew. They had photos and sometimes were able to speak on the phone to him when they were older. It was in pre-email days, otherwise that would have been a great blessing for keeping in contact!

I do think the situation Boyandgirl talks of, with each parent thinking it's 'their' time off when dh is home has to be worked at to avoid tension. In some odd way, I used to resent dh coming home when I'd been coping fine without him. I used to anticipate his homecoming so much but it never quite lived up to my expectations, somehow (poor dh!) and he used to find the noise and mess a bit much, too. We found that making the effort to go out for a meal or even a drink on the day he got home, without the children, gave us a chance to catch up, get used to each other again and maybe clear the air of any niggles. It would kind of set the scene and make a nicer atmosphere in which we could be a family again. HTH

boyandgirl · 02/10/2003 14:24

AussieSim, when ds was a baby I often 'cheated' and didn't tell dh when ds did something special. That way when ds did whatever-it-was in front of dh, dh thought it was the first time and didn't feel like he was missing out on every milestone.

I don't think these working patterns are completely negative, as long as everyone can somehow find the time for everyone else! Special times, like Suedonim mentions, help; I'm Jewish, and my mum would always wait until dad had arrived home before she would light the Sabbath candles on Friday night, instead of lighting them at dusk as one is meant to. That way, dad got home to a candlelit family dinner and ritual, rather than hectic bath- and bed-times.

We used to go on holiday to wherever dad was working at the time, which meant that we would spend the whole of the school holidays abroad. The first time we went for a fortnight to a resort was such a thrill because of the novelty!

I wonder whether my parents ever discussed with each other how to deal with the parenting issues raised by dad's working patterns. One day I'll ask.

janh · 02/10/2003 15:04

boyandgirl, your "cheats" are such a good (and kind) idea - it must have been very difficult not to tell your DH on the phone sometimes?

Lois · 02/10/2003 15:32

AussieSim
My DS is just two and definitely misses dh when away. He was away for a few days for the first time when he was 21 months and after two days he was picking up his shoes and pants from the washing basket and saying "Daddy!" Poor lamb!

DH is going away again next week and then maybe for three weeks in December and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I know we'll both miss him.

Melly · 02/10/2003 21:18

Hi AussieSim, my dh works away a lot, he is in the Navy and although he is pretty much shore based at the moment, he still works away Monday - Friday. My dd is 2 yrs 3 months and I would say it has only been in the last few weeks that she has really started to notice that Daddy is away a fair bit and also I think she misses him. She is always very pleased to see him when he comes home, BUT.......and I think many other Navy wives (any everyone else whose dh works away) would agree, that one of the hardest things for us is to keep the sprogs on an even keel (no pun intended!). Obviously dd is very excited to see dh and vice versa and she quite often gets a bit funny with me and wants daddy to do everything. I have spelt it out to dh that he must not let dd get away with things at the weekend and "undo all my hard work" that I have done during the week however tempting it may be for him to spoil her. As for ds, bless him, he is only 6 months old so don't think he has noticed yet

boyandgirl · 03/10/2003 15:02

janh - mumsnet!

AussieSim · 03/10/2003 15:25

Thanks guys, some very good tips here, especially the 'cheating' and the risk of spoiling. I've read parts of the responses to my dh over the phone and he was very moved. We hope to be able to work something else out before ds starts to notice his absence.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 06/10/2003 10:39

HI, this is an interesting thread...but anyone dealing with it the other way round? I am the one who has to go away (next month for a week - the first time since ds was born - he'll be 6 months...). Any advice??

waterbaby · 09/10/2003 10:00

Hi Blackduck - I'm not really in the same position, but did have to leave DD for very long days quite often in my old (only three 1/2 working days to go - yippee) job, and found it really hard. I'd leave before she got up and be home long after bedtime, and felt like I must be a bit of a bedtime ghost to her, as the only time I saw her was for that middle of the night nappy change. It hurt me more than it hurt her, I'm sure of that. Don't have much practical advice, just remember that she will still love you lots and you'll have a lot of fun when you come back - it will quickly be as if you'd never gone to her. Try to make the most of your time away, no matter how much your missing DD relish the sleep and adult conversation.

waterbaby · 09/10/2003 10:00

Sorry, should read DS!

Blackduck · 09/10/2003 11:16

Many thanks for the kind words...it is a toughy, but is also the nature of my job unfortunately!

sjs · 10/10/2003 16:20

Hi Blackduck
I used to do what waterbaby did when my dd was about the same age as your ds is now - so as far as she was concerned I was away for a few days. Then when she was about 18 mths old I started travelling again for work - I go away approx every month for anything from a few days to a week. (In fact just got back from 4 nights away.)
My dd has coped fine, thanks to a great live in nanny and my dh who is very involved and always tries to be there when I'm not.
Other things I've done are... I always tell her I'm going away on the day and if poss, she waves me goodbye. I try to call her when she wakes up and goes to bed just to chat to her. (Obviously when she was very little she didn't talk but I did!) And I always bring back a present. (What's wrong with a bit of bribery?!) Never anything very expensive and sometimes something I had in the cupboard before I went away!)
It is probably harder on you than on your ds, and you will miss him. But for me, I've usually found I'm so busy while I'm away that I don't have too much time to mope.
If you enjoy your job, it will probably be a bit easier... and however you feel, try to be as positive as possible about it all... enjoy what you can of the week away. Easier said than done I know. If you have good childcare arrangements and your ds feels secure, I doubt whether you will have many problems.

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