New Member - Please Help!!

[ScoobydooLou]

I am a new member and have never posted before, generally because I have always been able to find help and advise from previous posts, but with this I didnt even know what to search for! A while ago my sister told me that my son had been "touching" my niece (they are both 4yo - my son is 6 months older) and that my niece had asked him to stop it. My sister spoke to him about it and said that its not nice to do that and to stop doing it, seemed to work and never has he done anything like that before or again.

My neighbour chapped the door last night to say that she had gone into her garden to find her son and my son both with their tops off and their trousers and pants down. When she challenged them on this, my son said they are playing the "naked game" that he plays all the time with his cousin. I was mortified as you can imagine and apologised and told her i would find out what this is.

When i spoke to my son about this he said that it was him had made the game up and what it is they take off their clothes and lie on top of each other? I asked him where he got this from (had he seen it somewhere or god forbid something else, I am a single parent so he doesnt see it in my house) and he said his brain?

Is this normal? Ive asked him not to play it again as its not a nice game to play, i asked him how he felt and he said cold (bless!) but that his "man" (thats our name for his penis, was sticking out the way??

He then this morning caught him wiggling his man whilst he was laying on top of his bed face down, I asked him what he was doing and he said wiggling his man (cos I am paranoid about it, I checked to see if his "man" was erect).

I am so worried about this, dont know what to do or where to turn to for advice and help? Do I visit the doctor? Is this normal? Please help I am very distressed about this

Sorry, ive no idea. id have though some experimenting was normal, but there do seem some worrying aspects to this. Could you call childline or someone like that? Is there even a parent line? Sorry , I dont know.
Hopefully someone will come and help you soon, am bumping for you.

Poor you! I don't know what to say, but feel that you should have some reply. The only similar thing I've come across is a time when my autisic son (around 4yo) suddenly started pulling his pants down and shoving his genitals in anyone's face that was nearby. The behaviour lasted several days, then stopped. Just before it started he had been taken swimming on a playscheme for autistic children and had had a male carer help him get changed. I strongly suspect that something happened to him then. I examined him to see if there were any signs of injury and there were none, so my guess is he was simply repeating what had happened to him. He couldn't talk yet, so we couldn't ask him any questions. Who else looks after your son? Could anything have happened to him? Not saying it has, but I think you should consider the possibility.

That said, it could well be that nothing has happened and he is just exploring his (and unfortunately other's bodies). My youngest girl used to masturbate by rubbing her nappy up and down till she came. She didn't learn this from anywhere, she just did it naturally. She was too young to understand it was inappropriate to do it in public, and it was very embarrassing for us at times. I remember one mum running thru to get me as she thought she was having some sort of fit at a kiddies party. I think adults prefer to think that children have no sexuality, but it isn't true. There is great variation, and some young children will spontaneously explore.

I really don't know what to suggest you do about your son's behaviour. Poor little mite is only 4 and doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong. I suppose you have to sit him down, and gently and calmly question him about what he may have seen elsewhere, and explain that everybody's body is private to them, and he should stop playing any games that involve his man and other people. Nakedness is out too. Perhaps explain that other parents get upset about naked games, and won't want him round to play if he does it. Better he understand the consequences. Good luck scooby. Do remember that you haven't done anything wrong, and that this sort of thing can happen to any parent, and doesn't reflect on your parenting skills an any way.

Thanks so much for replying, its caught me totally off guard, spoke to Parentline as you suggested and apparently its normal and that children go through 3stages of sexuality even at this young age. Never did it cross my mind that at 4 years of age I would be having this type of converstation with my son, im upset by it but just have to embrace it the same way when he asked about his absent father...(which i got all my advice from this site from and I am very thankful as I would have handled it way wrongly). I felt physically sick and worried about this that my child was some how disturbed or something had happened, but feel slightly more at ease after reading this and hearing from parentline. However if anyone else has experienced this or offer any advice I would still be grateful to them to get in touch.

I thought I would copy the email that they sent me with the information on it incase anyone else needs some help with it:

Thanks,

For anyone else who may experience this, apparently
The term ?sex play? is used to describe the ways that children play using sex themes. Examples of sex play are masturbation, playing doctor, and undressing to show their bodies. Sex play is normal. Many children do these things. Other children may be fascinated with bodies and differences. If they undress themselves, that is a good time to talk about the differences between girls and boys. But children also need to learn to stay dressed in public. If a child is doing things that are not appropriate set rules about privacy. Tell them about ?good touch? and ?bad touch.?
Many children choose sex play because they are bored or not interested in other things that are happening. It is helpful to keep children busy. Give them positive choices of activities. Let children have active, physical choices every day. If a child begins sex play, you may still be able to distract him with another choice.

Masturbation

Many children touch their private parts. That is normal. Masturbating is a natural way for children to explore their bodies. It is also a way they can relax or feel better.

Exploring each others? bodies

Children may become interested in showing other children their bodies and seeing others? bodies. ?Playing doctor? is a common way for children to do this. Children might play in this way because they are curious or just because they are learning about sex. Children might touch each other?s private body parts in this type of sex play. Tell the children that this is not the way they should touch other children. Again, it would help to get the children involved in a different activity.