Kids who won't listen and shout over the top of you!

[trailingspouse]

Does anyone else have dcs who talk over the top of you and won't listen? My 8 year old ds is driving me crazy doing this at the moment and I don't know what, if anything, I can do about it. I've just removed some of his pocket money for this week after repeated reminders to listen today, but I'm not sure that was the right approach.

He has very low frustration tolerance and gets into a state quite easily. When this happens he wants me to help him, then shouts over whatever I try to say. It's so annoying and I find myself feeling angry with him because he shows no respect. If it's help he wants but won't listen, I walk away and tell him I'm not going to help if he won't listen, but he also does it if I need to talk to him about his behaviour if he's done something which is not allowed. I try to be as non-confrontational as possible when I have to do this.

I've read various parenting books and can't find any suggestions for this. Any advice very gratefully received!

Oh yes... I could have written your OP about my almost 6yo DS. It's maddening, and it's extra maddening that he won't accept that if he stopped doing it, he would get better outcomes! Basically I've come to realise there's really nothing I can tell him that he doesn't have an argument for. He's also easily gets worked up, very impulsive, and it can easily get into a situation where whatever you suggest or do, it's not right, and he shouts and argues and there's just no way out.

I'm still struggling with it tbh but I tend to have more success if I can stay calm, firm and consistent and say things like "OK, this is not going well, we will talk about it later when we've calmed down" and put away/switch off etc whatever's causing the upset. He rages initially but then usually forgets about in a few minutes. I also use distraction as with a toddler. "Well never mind this DS can we leave it for now, because I was going to ask you to help me with " or "Oh no! we were going to go to the playground and we're running out of time!" - of course you have to have something tempting enough to do and that's not always possible, but try it if you can.

Sympathies, I think some parents who have more biddable children don't understand why it's so hard and how some children just will not be told.

Yes. I have no advice to you. But my kids will talk to me the way I talk to them, eg "don't speak to me like that!" (they say that when i ask them to cup a cup from here to there ). They say to me "I won't tell you again!". What else? em... They've come out with some corkers.

Completely agree with this
"Sympathies, I think some parents who have more biddable children don't understand why it's so hard and how some children just will not be told."

So so true. Some parents really think that a child is a canvas or a template and if you impose x boundaries and y disciplining technique that the z (the children) will react in a predictable way. BUT NO BECAUSE THE Z is a variable !!!

My children have challenged everything from the day they were born. I never, ever, ever let them have biscuits for breakfast but I swear to you every single morning they will try to have biscuits for breakfast.

Thanks ladyword.

He just won't let me finish saying anything! Grrrrrr.....

5 minutes ago was a typically trivial but maddening example. He was drawing and found that the orange pen had no lid and had dried out. He immediately started ranting and blaming his sister for leaving the lid off then came to me to complain. I asked him what he was going to do and he carried on ranting. Eventually I managed to get in "do you want me to help?", he said yes so I started to say I thought there were some more pens in such and such drawer and there might be another orange, but by then he was shouting "I don't want orange now I want green!!!" and didn't hear anything I said. I can see why he doesn't want to hear me correcting his behaviour, but I was trying to help him FGS!

Mine do that too valium! They push and push to see if I will crack. I've always been consistent and not given in to pester power so why do they still do it?!

I have always been consistent too! I keep thinking that one day they'll learn that my no means no. Cos it's been about 9 years now but they are genetically hardwired to chip away at me for more 'rights'.

Somebody will be along in a moment to criticise our parenting methods, but actually, I'm confident I know more than the average parent because i've HAD to find out. I've read the incredible years by carolyn webster stratten (?) and it was good. I've been on a parenting course. I've learnt a lot from trial and error.

I carry out my punishments. I give fair warning. The punishment fits the 'crime'. The 'punishment' wipes the slate clean. I have some rewards which are separate from the punishments. i play with my children. I am as confident as I can be that I'm doing everything 'right'.

I think my children will go further in life than i ever got because it's in their nature to push, push, push and my nature was to shrug and accept.

Trailingspouse, my dc1 gets like that too. She can go from calm to angry in a split second over almost nothing. There was a suggestion from a parenting course leader to ask her to draw in expressions on blank faces on sheets of paper. But of course, she doesn't really WANT to diffuse her emotions in a calm controlled way! They want to let rip!!! so my dd was not going to her folder and taking out the pictures and drawing the frowns in. The folder sits pristine on the hall table.

One suggestion which I stick to is when I see her getting angry I put her outside and tell her to swing for five minutes. luckily we have a swing outside. When she comes back in she still remembers whatever ludicrously trivial thing she was cross about. Apparently 'children will forget what they were cross about in five minutes on a swing'. oH YEAH!??!!?!?

it's hard alright!

Thanks for the suggestions!

I feel that actually the anger issues are improving and in general we're doing ok with that. It's just the refusal to let me speak now. It just winds me up instantly - I feel like shouting "MUMMY IS TALKING!!!"

Oh I have been consistent too btw. Never, ever, ever have a let I tantrum, backchat or rudeness result in DS getting his own way. I have used positive reinforcement and encouragement for good behaviour. I give him attention and listen to him. I explain over and over that he is not getting something because his meltdown/arguing approach is not an acceptable way to carry on. Has he learned? No he has not. When it happens in public I feel like wearing a sign saying "Oh and by the way onlookers, I don't give in to tantrums, he is not spoilt, he does not rule the roost, and I have not made a rod for my own back OK?"

yes. Mine don't listen. Stubborn as mules. Will change opinion mid-sentence (usually while shouting) and push me to the limit all the time.

I've read 'How to talk so kids can listen'..... . Pity my kids haven't.

They are adorable at nursery though.

Sounds familiar! I have these awful moments of self-doubt when other people's kids seem so easy going and mine are being horribly demanding and fighting with each other!

Oh thank God! I logged on today hoping for a thread like this because my ds is driving us insane with just this very thing. I was beginning to think he was possessed and was waiting for the whole head twisting around episode to confirm it...

In an effort to ease things I got him to agree that whoever had their hand up was allowed to speak a full uninterrupted sentence in a calm and sensible voice. But it only works one way... anytime I speak he screeches 'I've got my hand up again, I've got my hand up...' right over whatever I am trying to say with my calm and sensible voice.

Behind my calm and sensible voice (which, btw, only lasts all of twenty seconds anyhow), five year old me wants to throw myself on the floor and screech even louder than he does. Has anyone tried that? I don't know if it would work, but it would feel soooo good!