Toddler biting every day at nursery :(

[Gemma77]

My son is 22 months old and has been biting at nursery for nearly a year now. He sometimes bites more than 1 child a day, although last week we did have two days when he didnt bite at all, but sadly this is rare.
I am so happy with Adam's nursery and am worried sick that they are going to expell him. Afterall the parents of the children being bitten must (understandably so) be very annoyed that there child is being bitten nearly every week. Plus, the other children are now old enough to tell their mums and dads that it was Adam who bit them.
Adam does occasionally bite us at home but this is much less common. When he does he goes on his naughtey step for 2 mins. At nursery he goes on the naughtey mat for 2 mins. But this doesnt seem to be working. I feel like we have tried everything and am desperate now. Adam is such a loving and happy boy in every other way.
We thought he might get better once he could talk more, but this hasnt happened. We have now tried telling him that if he does no bitting he gets sweeties/toy/to do cooking etc, and if he does bit he doesnt. problem is he forgets when he is excited in play, or if another child does something he doesnt like.
We havent done the sticker chart yet.... might try and get one tomorrow.
Any ideas or reassurance would be great. Also.... does anyone know if the nursery would expell? I did ask and they said no, but I was in tears at the time and wonder if they were just being kind!!

Gemma x

Its probably just a spell he going through for whatever reason, maybe he likes the attention?

I'm not sure i'd be up for doing it but I've heard many mums say that they bit them back and they never did again!! Although i'm not condoning that course of action!

What I say won't be popular but when DS at age 22 months bit us, we bit him back hard. This carried on for a while (about 2 months) and he learnt not to bite. However, he was bitten by another boy whilst at Toddler group with his CM recently.She had to fill out a form and I wasn't overly concerned.

I think this stems from us biting babies bums & toes. After all where else would they learn. I used to make a big joke of biting DS toes and now realise that it's what he was doing but forgetting not to actually bite .

Message withdrawn

In what circumstances does Adam bite. Does he just choose a child and go and bite them or are they snatching things from him and his reaction is to bite. I am surprised the Nursery call their time out area the naughty mat as we're not allowed to use that word anymore I think the Nursery need to review the reasons why Adam bites as you say it happens only now and again at home. Can you have a meeting with them to talk it through and maybe his jeyworker can do some observations as to the "triggers".

Keyworker

Keyworker

I agree with Pinot.

My son went through a biting phase. I would ask about the circumstances and staff were not very clear. In the end, I suggested that they record each incident and make a note of the time, and the circumstances. I was very surprised that they had no record in the first place. Observations can lead us to work out whether there is a pattern of behaviour and how best we can support a child.

The word naughty is a no-no in schools. 'We don't bite because... it hurts'. 'We like to share, it's better to share etc.' Positive comments that give a child something to work towards.

As you say your child has been biting for some time, has someone been specifically assigned to monitor his behaviour and prevent incidences occuring. i.e stopping him just in time? helping him and other children concerned to share before frustration sets in? The staff at my nursery did this and it did the trick for my son.

Hello!

In my humble opinion, if you send your child to a nursery that doesn't use the word naughty, then you must expect the biting bit.

How on earth can you teach a child right from wrong if you are not allowed to tell them that they have done something wrong?

All of this, Namby Pambying Rubbish is turning our kids into a nation of bullying, nasty, pathetic children who cannot stand up for themselves, let alone be told off for it.

I am a Mother, who, loves my little boy, but am continually frustrated by the lack of discipline in Nursery's/Childcare.

When my DS bit someone elses child, my CM had to fill out a bloody form. She should have either bitten him back or given him a bloody smack.

I have smacked my DS (2) for doing something dangerous. He has not done it again.

Old Fashioned maybe, but it worked for me.

Sorry to rant, but absolutely bemused by this.

Sorry Gemma, I know this doesn't help you much.

I went through a year or more of biting with my SN DS around 18-30 months. He was still at home so it was mostly me he bit. In the end I just started to tell him he would get a smack every time he bit me and within a week he had stopped. I think I only had to smack him twice & wished I had done it earlier - it was really last resort as I was so fed up of being covered in welts and he was starting to bite other children at playgroup. I realise they cannot smack him at nursery & I cannot stress enough that was absolute last resort for me, but sometimes a short sharp shock for unacceptable behaviour can be the best solution

My dd went through a stage of being bitten (always by the same girl) when she was 20 months. We ended up writing to the nursery to ask for the child to be removed if it happened again as she was becoming upset when dropping her off (never had been before). The last bite she had left two marks on her face plus bruises where the girl had grabbed her to make sure she didn't get away and it was really upsetting. The nursery brought in a new 'biting policy' which did include asking for the child to be removed from nursery for a short time (ie not expelled) if nothing else worked. This girl never bit my daughter or anyone else again as she grew out of it, but they kept them completely separate until she did stop. What have your sons nursery done to try and stop the biting - do they shadow him?

Just wanted to add that I don't believe in using the word naughty and it is not because it is pc. Telling a child that they are naughty ilustrates nothing. I deal with behavioural issues in my nursery by :

1. talking and warning
2. taking away privileges or time out depending on situation or circumstance after step 1
3. In extreme situations, call parents to take child home. (I did this a number of times last year betwen Setember- October with 1 child and then the child's negative behaviour stopped)

• and always working in partnership with the parents.

Teachers like me are not nambee panby. We are respectful towards the teacher in our care and aim to teach them respect towards others in turn.

Meant to say, respectful towards CHILDREN in our care!

Just wanted to add that I don't believe in using the word naughty and it is not because it is pc. Telling a child that they are naughty ilustrates nothing. I deal with behavioural issues in my nursery by :

1. talking and warning
2. taking away privileges or time out depending on situation or circumstance after step 1
3. In extreme situations, call parents to take child home. (I did this a number of times last year betwen Setember- October with 1 child and then the child's negative behaviour stopped)

• and always working in partnership with the parents.

Teachers like me are not nambee panby. We are respectful towards the teacher in our care and aim to teach them respect towards others in turn.

Asking for the child to be sent home is sending home the problem, unfortunately. If the parents don't do something to deal with it. Then what......I understand that you can't do bugger all and surely when you see a 'naughty' child hurt another child you must think that you should tell them off. If the same thing keeps happening with that one child, do you really agree that by not addressing the problem at the time, it is a remedy. I certainly worried about it when my CM handed me a form 6 hours after the event. I was absolutely perplexed as to how to deal with it. I would really have liked my CM to deal with it the same way I do, but she cannot. My son is getting ambigious messages.

Sorry... confused about the teachers in your care not being Nanby panby as you are teaching them??

Are you a primary school teacher?

Meant to add that I am not talking about primary school. I am talking about Nursery School. Actually I am talking about pre nursery nurserys if that makes sense. Anything I have just said applies to private/pre school nurserys and Toddler groups

Thanks for your messages. Adam's nursery actually call the mat a 'time out mat' and say behaviour is naughty rather than the child.
Adam has only recenly gone to the toddler unit and they have had some agency staff who if I am honest, have not been as good at shadowing Adam as some of the other staff.
I spoke with one of his favourite team leaders today and she thinks he is getting better. We are now trying to encourage him to 'use his words' so he says excuse me and no thank you rather than biting. Plus lots of positive rewards... he loves helping with the setting out lunch and putting the babies to bed so gets to help only if he has done no bitting. Plus he gets some small sweets when he gets home but only on days he has been to nursery and has not bitten. Problem is that sometimes he forgets....
Some of the biting has been provoked - one boy in particular has been quite jealous of Adam getting lots of praise for not biting and so pushes him until Adam eventually bites. I have asked the nursery to try and keep them apart if possible as this little boy gets bitten more by Adam more than any other and although he also used to be a biter, his mum and dad must surely be getting angry at him being munched on so much. Luckly for me he goes upstairs to the next age range unit in 2 weeks. Not so lucky for Adam as he actually loves this little boy and talks about him all the time.
I think Adam has somehow ended up with a biting instinct when ever he is not getting his own way - which some how we need to break. We did try biting back but it didnt work - probably because I could never bite him hard enought to hurt him and I never felt comfortable with the idea of saying no biting and then biting him.
I suppose we can only carry on doing what we are and hopefully he really will grow out of it soon.
Gemma x

The Raising Children website recommends that when your child hits or bites others, it's best to work out the underlying issues causing them to behave this way. Once you have thought of possible causes for the behaviour, you can start addressing how your child might be feeling through getting down on their level and talking it out.

While some parents think biting your toddler back will teach them about cause and effect, Kennedy believes the only lesson your child will learn will be one of revenge.

"It's much better to have your child focus on comforting and assisting the child who was bitten by holding the ice pack," she explains. "Then down the track they will remember the compassion that was shown, rather than the shame and pain from being bitten back."

Then, of course, there's the issue that parents should model the behaviour they want their children to display. Kennedy points out that it's important for us to be positive role models who demonstrate empathy and compassion.

Not only is biting, hitting or kicking your toddler a form of child abuse, according to the professionals, but it also won't teach them anything positive about how to be a responsible person.

I have been a childminder for ten years and have never used the word 'naughty' in behaviour management. Don't use a naughty step, mat ether.

First of all, does your son have other developmental issues? Sit down with the nursery to see about that. Speech? Does he get angry? Why do you think he bites? Usually children start biting out of frustration, another child will 'invade' their space, a nursery can be a busy and chaotic place. Is it tiredness? How is his sleep?

Then, it becomes a habit. He gets attention from it - and negative attention is better than no attention. Is the staff paying attention to him for positive behaviour? Do they play with him one-to-one?

Also, one of the thing that really works is to pay attention to the other child. Say your son bites, then the staff member should say to him a very firm NO. And I mean VERY firm. look at him in the eyes, and not in a shouty voice, but a firm, loud, deep voice.

Then they should pay a lot of attention to the other child, almost over the top. Then they have to get your son to apologise - even if he doesn't speak yet he should be able to feel understand if someone explains it to him clearly that we don't bite, because it hurts.

Then attention towards him aimed at distracting him, playing in a positive way. If the staff knows that he is biting they should hover over him a lot and make sure they can prevent it. You need to break the cycle and stickers won't work at that age. Not for this.

@Twofishfingers

Any advice on an almost 3 year old hitting? The same method - stern no and minimal attention? We've done time out and sticker charts and neither seem to be working.

Had a bad incident yesterday where another child was trying to wrestle something from DC and he hit them. The other Mum reacted in a really unsympathetic way. I felt really embarrassed and now am worrying about leaving the house to go to other playgroups...

It's so difficult, especially in play groups when there's nothing you can do if another child tries to take a toy/pushes your son and he bites in reaction to that.

One thing I often do with the children I look after is to learn to swap toys. Sharing is a difficult concept for little ones, and if a child wants a toy that another child has, I teach them how to find a different toy and then swap with the child in question. I hope that makes sense...

So sometimes I sit all the kids in a circle and we just swap the toys one to another, or I do that one-to-one with a child. It's fun and they learn that it's OK to let go of a toy as there are other toys around.

However, if it does happen, then yes paying attention to the other child. I have seen many, many times in playgroups the parent scooping up the child who had just pushed/bitten and telling them off when the child is in their arms. I'd say that's still too much attention. Leave the child on the floor, go down to their level, and say a very firm no, then pay attention to the other child. Like way over the top attention.

Sticker charts work best if they are used to secure a positive behaviour, say a child will sit on the potty. Positive behaviour = positive reward. If you say 'if you don't push you will get a sticker' then the reward is for NOT doing something, not FOR doing something. I'd give stickers for saying thank you, for example. Sitting on the potty. Listening to a story, putting shoes on on their own, etc.

Thank you so much, this is great advice. Time outs and 'shaming' not only felt mean but very counter productive. Hopefully we are on the way out from this phase!