At wits end with almost 2 year old

[nomoretantrums]

I have two girls - elder is 6, younger almost 2. Elder one is quite bright (on gifted and talented list at school), younger one seems even brighter - very fast processing, advanced language etc.

Since I had children, I've worked part time (2.5 days per week, hence 50% pay cut). The reduction in income is significant but I've always believed that working half-time was the best of both worlds and certainly feel it benefitted DD1.

Just recently though, I've begun to wonder whether this is right for us. When I think about it, I really enjoy being a mum to DD1 (6 is such a great age) but really dislike dealing with toddlers and babies. It was the same with DD1 and I was relieved when she got to about 3.5 years and some of those bad days were behind us.

At the moment, I simply don't know what to do with DD2. She's much more of a handful than DD1 ever was (and I'm 4 years older and more tired). She cries and clings to me all day - spends most of her time at home crying and I can't seem to work out what's wrong. She doesn't cry like this with other people (her dad, for example - she will sit on his knee and read books for much longer).

Typical day invloves her waking at 7am in seemingly reasonable mood but this deteriorates into crying when I take her from the cot and change her nappy even though I talk to her all the time. She often then refuses to come downstairs and has a tantrum on the landing. She will eat breakfast (usually cereal) but refuses most other meals after a few mouthfuls (I'm not that bad a cook! And she eats 'everything' at nursery).

We often have a battle to dress her (normal I'm sure) but her usual pastime is to follow me around the house wailing. I thought she wanted attention but when I pick her up, she wants to be put down again. This morning she did some puzzles with me after cajoling and some finger painting but quickly abandoned those and took up her following and wailing thing again. I took her shopping and she cried and cried all the time. She wanted her dummy, I gave her a dummy, she threw the dummy, she wanted the dummy....and so it went on. I ended up buying totally the wrong product because it's impossible to think with the wailing that goes on.

I think I m getting to the point of deciding she needs extra time at nursery. She seems happy there and certainly I get no reports of her clinging to people and wailing. Her clinging and crying is very limiting, prevents me cooking or doing anything productive so that by the time it gets to 5pm there's nothing organised for dinner and I feel panicky and hemmed in. Having exhausted every possible activity, I've concluded that the only things that keep her happy are:

A dummy
Wall-to-wall Tellytubbies
Biscuits and chocolate (fleeting contentment)
Seeing her grandparents (very rare occurence and usually for ten mins)

As I don't think any of the above are particularly useful strategies, the nursery seems the only choice. I feel really deflated and concious that I'd prefer her happy and at home with me but it doesn't seem possible. Has anyone else been through this? Was it just a stage?

DH isn't terribly helpful TBH. He says 'don't take it personally' but I think that's a pretty useless response to the problem. It does seem related to me so it's hard not to imagine it is. She is perfectly happy downstirs with him and DD1 but begins her crying the minute she hears me come downstairs. Ha also goes out to work and never has to sit at home trying to entertain her and listening to the crying. Sigh.....

Wow seems like you have a lot on your shoulders.I do think that some children are just more miserable, and if she is developing quicker and you say she is clever she may be trying you out.She may be pushing you so that she does get everything she cries out for.

She may need more time at nursery for pure entertainment, she may feel better around other young children.I know how you feel about her only being like it with you though, when my dd was a baby she was a nightmare.Also a clever child, but she was always good for everyone else and never me! It was hard work but also upsetting, but I have to say as she has got older she seems to be a lot better.

If I were you though I would try and not let your feelings show in front of her as she may pick up on these feelings and possibly could make the situation worse.Just try to ignore the tantrums (I know its hard, my ds is 3 atm) and say no when you need to and stick to it. Hopefully it is a case of riding out the bad phase and hopefully she will get better as she gets older.

But only you know how you feel about the extra days :) good luck though.

I'm going to say something that you may not want to hear. I think she may be picking up on the fact that you find it difficult dealing with her and don't seem to enjoy spending time with her. You don't describe your relationship, just the mechanical things you do to manage her. I may be getting a wrong impression from your post, of course, but it sounds as though she's asking you to like her more. Could you spend some time getting to know her as a person - maybe DH take DD1 out for the day or something? I know that my 2 yo DD has a definite personality.

Thanks for your responses.

I don't mind hearing things I don't want to hear - I'm quite self aware usually. I actually enjoyed her more when she was younger, before all this crying. I must admit that no, I don't like being with her - it's like torture some days being followed around and cried at is soul destroying and I want to hide. I'm sure I'm being a rubbish mum to her at times.

We have lovely times at bedtime, when she's relaaxed. We have a story and milk and songs and I feel so close to her then, simply because she's not miserable - she's calmed by having a bath.

I wonder sometimes if she's hungry - refusing my food all day long must make her hungry (but then you' think she'd eat...) or tired (but then she'll refuse to sleep). I took her to a music group today and she seemed to like that. Most things we do end in a tantrum - like going to the local duck pond - that will end in a massive tantrum because she doesn't want to hold hands or be on reins or in a pushchair - we never get past our neighbour's house without her lying on the floor tantruming because I make her hold my hand (busy road). She holds DH's hand no problem.

The thought of getting DH to take DD1 is really scary. I usually take DD1 if we split up for the day. I feel like I can't cope with DD2. Some people are just no good with little kids.

I ought to add that we lived abroad when DD1 was this age and she drove me MENTAL but she was the same for both of us, not just me. We're so close now.

My 2yo is not that dissimilar. Once she screamed from the moment I lifted her from her cot (awake and happy til then) until we got to nursery. 45 minutes of pure, unadulterated howling. Clothes? Howling. Breakfast? Howling. Teeth brushing? Not on your life. As soon as we got to nursery, she took a deep breath and sat right down to have some breakfast. Picked her up that afternoon, she'd been an angel all day.

I don't have a whole lot of advice, just commiseration. It will get better, it has to get better!

Oh I'm not alone. Thank you. I truly love both my children but ith the 4 year gap, perhaps I've forgotten how I felt when my elder daughter was this age.

My DD was quite difficult from 1.5 to 3 and I found her quite stressful at times. I had to bribe her to go to places, often had to leave because she was being difficult, could be quite controlling with me about food (but ate everything at nursery and was well behaved there).

For us it did end up being routine, food and sleep related.. she always woke early (5.30) and was grumpy from the go. She is better now because I recognise the signs and put her to bed anywhere from 6.30 on and she has now started sleeping until 6.15.

Also with the food, she is happiest with 6 'meals' a day and simply can't wait 3hours for the next meal. I'm not sure why it is, but she can eat three breakfasts, lunch, tea and then a supper and sometimes an extra pudding before she goes to bed. She isn't in the slightest bit fat.

Hope this may be of some help for you as it really made DD extremely difficult to be with and she completely changed.

I was pregnant when DS1 was 12 months and until the day his brother was born, he was a nightmare. Screamed, bit me, scratched me, refused to be with me, wailed, wouldn't eat properly etc, etc. The minute I was mobile again, he became my best friend and our relationship has blossomed.

What changed? When I was pregnant he spent more and more time with other people (child carers, grand parents, his father). I couldn't cope with him , didn't want to spend time with him and our day to day relationship was functional. When I had his brother I felt human again - I could cuddle him, I had time to read to him. 10 months on and I find the time to take him swimming, we do an hour art class together each week, we have 'coffees' together, play etc and he just doesn't play up. I truly believe it is because each day he get undivided attention from me (only about 1 hour!).

I think you need to stand your ground on your boundaries of behaviour (ignore the bad, praise the good), give clear sanctions and spend some quality time together (interesting she is well behaved at bedtime when she gets a story?). As for food - if she doesn't eat, take the food away, but give no snacks till the next meal time. It may take a few days, but she will eat when she is hungry!

It is not easy, but it will get better xx

I love that you are addicted to Frazzles!

I do read to her at other times of the day. She had three books this morning before DD1 even went to school. I also do the clear boundaries on food thing - as you suggested - I think she's quite controlling like somebody else said (mind you she wolfed a plate of curry with hidden veggies this evening). DH gave her two cartons of rice pudding by mistake for her lunch and she wolfed those too....

Perhaps I should get out more and do more classes with her. I don't know anybody locally with kids the same age. We've been going to a playgroup on Mondays since last September but I find it terribly cliquey and dread going - she does seem to like the bit where they all get toast though...

Hello! Just a quick post. I think it's a tricky age and she (and you) will get through it, come out the other side. It's about this age that they really "gear up"- ie come out of babyhood and discover themselves- toddler time!!! This is scary for them and you and yes, it involved a lot of crying/tantrums/miserable behaviour for a while in this house too!
DD is now almost 2.5 and is generally a joy. Has her moments but the previous stage is well and truly passed. It takes the patience of a saint but if you can remind yourself that it's not her fault (most of the time..!) and not yours either (!)
Just read your post again. I would say, when she'd unsettled it's worth sometimes really trying hard to settle her and get to a place where you are both relaxed. If you can stay calm when she isn't this really helps. As pp have said they certainly do pick up on your moods and if you are feeling stressed and frustrated she will react to this. Sometimes just sitting together and chatting/carrying her around a bit. When she is unsettled give her your undivided attention, no strings attached- see if that works...
I wonder if you can compromise at all on some of your "rules" that she tantrums against. I know they need boundaries, but sometimes a choice can give them some control "either hold my hand or stay in the buggy, which do you want to do". This works well with my DD, altho perhaps more at the age she is now than much younger.
Hang on in there!

The thing I noticed about your post was that you say she follows you around wailing.

Have you tried just involving her in what you are doing a bit more. My DS 2.2years has always helped me load the washing machine, he likes to stand on a step at the sink next to me and 'help' wash up, he carries armfuls of washing and drags them all around the garden when I am hanging the washing up, he has a step to reach the washing line and helps peg the washing out too. He is not following me around while I do things but is actively involved. I must admit at times I just want to get things done and ignore him which is when the tantrums start.

Alternatively have you tried just being led by her? You say you had to cajole her into doing a puzzle but does she actually want that type of game? If I give DS a chance he will make up games to play. He will put boxes in front of the bed and make me stand on one and stand on the other himself and then make me jump on the bed with him. Another favourite game of his is to get all of the duvets and pillows on the floor, all of he teddies and we all go to sleep on the floor.

I don't like to play. DS plays amazingly with his dad but I am not into play at all hence I prefer older children too. I do make the effort to let DS take me by the hand and take me to the toys/games that he wants to play with sometimes. He could communicate what he wanted without talking so if your DD doesn't have that much language??? you can still watch and follow her cues. I don't usual play for very long but I think that one to one attention even for 20 minutes really cheers him up and makes it easier for me to get on with something.

If you really can't find a way to enjoy your time at home with her than maybe more time at nursery would be a good idea. Good luck with it.

Thanks for all your continued responses.

You know what, I hardly ever carry her - just realised that. She's extraordinarily heavy and I hurt my back in the past and now I try to avoid carrying the children. She does enjoy loading the washing machine but I tend to keep the babygate on the kitchen door because we've recently moved into a house that needs renovating and the kitchen is going to be ripped out so has no child locks (and some dodgy wiring). I guess she must feel pretty left out of the kitchen at times (she's also banned from the downstairs loo as her fave pastime is running the taps and the hot one is scalding).

I've tried being led by her - I'm a child developmentalist by profession and much of what I advocate involves following a child's lead - it's just that she doesn't seem to lead anywhere most of the time!

I took DD1 to a party this afternoon and when we got home, DD2 was so pleased to see me, I just thought 'god, why are you pleased to see me? I'm so grumpy with you!'. She really is a lovely child, just going through a difficult phase and it's all very well having professional knowledge but that doesn't help when it's your own child and your own life.

The house project doesn't help.

I've been thinking about your responses though. I've signed up for a toddler music class so hopefully that will start soon. Thanks for the supportive messages - it really helps.

If you keep half an eye on her, she'll probably be ok in the kitchen - I presume there aren't actual exposed wires?? DD age 2 pottered around the kitchen area when we were having half the house renovated, and she's actually quite sensible. All the cleaning products are in a locked box, so we don't bother with cupboard latches - I don't mind her taking stuff out of the cupboards as she amuses herself very nicely with a load of Pyrex bowls!

my 2 year old is very verbally able/bright. also very whingy and so i just started calmly telling her to stop whinging and counting to three then using time out very calmly and with very brief explination. she had just got into the routine of being grumpy even though i was being positive and giving her lots of attention. reading and chatting loads. decided it would be best to give attention to the positive behaviour and timeout/ignore the bad behaviour. it's worked a treat and really turned my 2 year old around. i have really started to enjoy being with her now.

gosh and i've been there too til recently - a toddler and a major house project. i think the project got me down a bit and i'm sure my 2 year old picked up on this. thankfully the project is over now and we are all so much happier again.