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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

whats fair?

14 replies

LoveMyGirls · 09/11/2005 14:34

i have a 6 yr old and a 6 week old baby and currently im the one that does the day to day care and i also do nights i dont get more than a few hours of sleep at a time whereas my dp who works full time gets up either in the morning or in the middle of the night on a fri or sat but the rest of the time he gets about 8 hours a night though occassionally he does wake up for a few minutes if she screams too loud. just wondered what other couples do when one of you is working and the other is looking after the kids cheers

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Clayhead · 09/11/2005 14:36

Depends on how you're feeding doesn't it?

I always got up (I am a SAHM and dh works) but then I bf so there was no real choice.

auntymandy · 09/11/2005 14:38

Men have an ina bility to hear in the night or early mornings!

flamesparrow · 09/11/2005 15:00

We always had the deal that I did weeknights as long as he didn't comment if the house was a tip when he'd got home because I'd spent the next day a collapsed heap on the sofa .

He also did either weekend nights or gave me a lie in on the days he didn't do nights (and the lie in finishes when I say).

Now that nighttimes aren't really an issue, we pretty much alternate who does them when they are needed, and have a lie in each at weekend.

GillL · 10/11/2005 10:58

You're lucky! My dh slept downstairs (because he couldn't stand the snorting noise dd made) and NEVER did even one night feed. He also used to sleep in til midday every day (he had 8 weeks off after dd was born). I had no choice as he refused to do anything except the odd daytime feed. When he went back to work - despite having between 3 and 6 days off in a row due to shifts - he was even worse and I still had to do everything including cleaning, washing up, washing. I'm now back at work and he is a lot better now he knows how hard it is to look after her all day. Hope you can persuade your dp to do more to help.

LooneyLaura · 10/11/2005 13:49

I am on mat leave with DS 4.5 month old and a 2.5 DD. I do nights during the week unless he's really bad with wind or teething (DS not DH!)and we're both up like a tag team. Otherwise, at weekends we both choose a day when we want a lie in so we both catch up on sleep.
Admittedly (sp?) DH does go and get DS in the night if I kick hard enough!

fruitful · 10/11/2005 14:08

Dh gets in from work at 6:30 and does bath/bedtime while I put my feet up. I've usually (but not always) eaten with the kids and got his dinner ready at the same time. He does ds's 10:30 feed. I do any night feeds/wakings - unless it gets too much when I kick him and he does one. He gets up at 6 and goes to work and I refuse to let the kids (3.5yo and 8mo) get up till 7. I attempt housework during the day but don't kill myself over it. At the weekends we each have one lie-in and one night of doing all the getting-up-for-the-kids (3.5yo is not a great sleeper). Mostly at the weekends dh does stuff with the kids and I do some housework - because I actually quite like doing a mindless job with no children involved.

beckybrastraps · 10/11/2005 14:20

We do pretty much the same as fruitful. Will I be in trouble if I say that I don't think it's unreasonable for the one who doesn't work to get up in the night?

fruitful · 10/11/2005 14:33

I think it depends on what your day is like. With dd I did all the night feeds all the time for 9mo. But she was my only child so I could sleep in the day. With ds, I have to be awake all day because of dd. Whereas dh can have two 45-min sleeps on the train. And he sits at a desk while I run around. And he deals with adults while I deal with infinitely more demanding little monsters. So he does more at night now.

PocketTasha · 10/11/2005 15:37

BeckyBraStraps! I don't know what to say! The work us mums do during the day, measures up equally to anything that the blokes do at work! And we don't get a lunch break! Unless you are lucky enough to have children that sleep in the day and give you the chance to chill out.

I am lucky to have a dh who understand this and shares most things equally.As for housework, he can't cook, but we do everything else as we get the chance.

My ex partner was the opossite, he expected to have dinner waiting on the table when he got home as well as the house perfect and all the washing and ironing done despite the fact that i had a baby to look after, and was working a childminder so had other peoples children to care for and entertain also! But that's in the past now! (ooo that turned into a mini rant! sorry!

PiccadillyCircus · 10/11/2005 15:41

I'm on maternity leave with a 7 week DD and also a nearly 2 year old DS. He goes to nursery 2 days a week as well.

We're lucky with DD's sleeping as she generally ends to go back to sleep after she's fed and as I'm breastfeeding it needs to be me feeding her anyway. She is also in her basket next to my side of the bed.

DH cooks virtually every night and doesn't mind things being rather messy (he did a big cleaning session between 10pm and 12am a couple of days ago as well).

I agree that being at home is also hard work, but I think it is important for DH to be able to get his sleep - he lets me sleep more at weekends.

beckybrastraps · 10/11/2005 16:09

Blimey! I seem to have given a misleading impression. The only thing my dh doesn't share is night time feeding. Neither of us cares about a bit of mess, and when he is here, he takes n the lion's share of childcare. He ALWAYS bathes the children and puts them to bed. All I was saying was that it is not unreasonable for him to sleep at night. Yes, looking after children is hard work, but (oh dear, I feel those flames coming again)I do not need to be as mentally alert as he does during the day. Ds was an absolute shocker at night and if I had had to go to work after a night with him I would not have earned my salary. Fortunately I didn't go back until he was 14 months old and by then it was only about once a night, and we shared this equally. I stand by what I said, but please don't extrapolate from that to having dinner on the table and all that mullarkey!!

fruitful · 10/11/2005 16:52

I reckon that if dh is tired and makes a mistake, someone might lose some money. If I'm tired and make a mistake... well I could easily forget to strap the kids into their carseats and then have an accident...

Thats my theory and I'm sticking to it.

PiccadillyCircus · 10/11/2005 17:01

becky, I agree with you.

chipkid · 10/11/2005 19:18

whe dd was getting up in the night-I did all the weekday nights-on the basis that Dh did one of the weekend nights to allow me a decent nights sleep

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