worried about dd's friend not wanting friends to sleepover

[ScarletA]

I just wanted to ask how normal this is.

My dd's friend (both are aged 9) has been for sleepovers at ours and other kids' houses before. The other day, her father was asking how they could 'repay' me because I often look after their dd on inset days etc as both parents work. I just said that maybe one night my dd could sleepover at theirs so that me and dh could go out. I didn't have a date in mind or anything, it was just something that other friends do for me - and me for them.

Anyway, he came back the next day and said 'it's bad news, I'm afraid. I asked my dd about your dd sleeping over and she said that though she's happy to stay at other people's houses, she doesn't want anyone to sleep over at ours.'

In my experience, it is fairly normal for a child not to want to sleepover at another's house (esp when they are little), but having a friend over was not a problem - and very much enjoyed. And it's not as if my dd has never been to theirs, she goes over to play after school often, just has never stayed over.

I am not offended. I am not thinking the child is mean (she is a very sweet, gentle girl). What I am is worried - and worried that I am silly for being worried. What is happening at home (overnight) that she doesn't want another child there?

Frankly, the father gives me the creeps, always has. Now that is not a reason to suspect him of anything I know, but I can't stop how worried I feel. It kept me awake last night. This girl is like I said; very sweet and gentle and sensitive, and incredibly, incredibly shy. She speaks in a whisper at ours (unless it's to my dd, when she is normal and very funny actually) and even though she's spent loads of time with me, she still won't speak to me unless I talk first, and then her words are barely audible - and this is not weird either, I know...

I think our home life is very different to hers, as a family we are perhaps more flambouyant and different and messy and chaotic than her family. Maybe that is why...?? Or maybe it's not the girl at all, but her father/mother who does not want other kids sleeping over?

But I can't help it. I keep seeing how her father and her are together - there is no warmth or affection shown in public (again, not weird), she doesn't speak to him unless he speaks first, in fact she seems just as painfully shy with him as she is with me. Though maybe it's just because I am there that she is so quiet.

Please don't flame me for this. I am looking for reassurance that my suspicions are unfounded. Perhaps some of you were happy to sleep over but didn't want people back to yours, I just need to know why.

As a child I always preferred to play and sleepover at my friends houses than mine - I don't know why because I had perfectly lovely parents but I just preferred to go to other peoples houses.

As a adult I'm still like that - I prefer to go to other peoples houses than having people at mine but I can't tell you why.

Frankly, the father gives me the creeps, always has

Yet you want your DD to go and stay over?!

What amberleaf said.

Sorry, no internet for days (don't ask).

Thanks for replying (and not flaming me...).

Vondo, that is reassuring to know that like you, some kids they don't like others sleeping over.

Amberleaf / Toby - ever since the conversation with him, I haven't wanted dd to stay over. The reason I posted was I was worried about the girl and quite what was happening at home... I suppose I've always felt he was a bit odd (very uptight, prone to get irrationally annoyed about little things) but didn't think in a concrete way that maybe there was something abusive going on. Now I suppose I am.

Think I should add that my mother was a counsellor for survivors of child sexual abuse and my friend is a Child Protection Officer for the police so I suppose I may be a bit 'hyper-vigilant'.

I wouldn't be at all suspicious on the grounds of this girl's reluctance to have anyone over to stay. It is quite normal and common, I think, for someone with perhaps a slight lack of self-confidence to be relectant to have people over. There is a tendency to over-value your friends houses and think of your own home as being no fun, or just not right, or somehow embarrassing, lacking in good things. Or she might feel anxiety at the pressures of being the 'hostess'.

Of course you might have other reasons that justified concern, but I wouldn't react to this particular reticence on the girl's part.

Thank you woodwork. You are right, their house is very different to ours -though theirs is much bigger and smarter!

My dd goes to her friend's after school and I never got the sense that her friend was reluctant. In fact, she said to my dd that our house was 'very messy'. It isn't (honest) just perhaps in comparison to hers.

Still, I am reassured by your post. Families all have different dynamics, maybe it is the parents that don't like having other people's kids over. Totally understandable, if my kids didn't like sleepovers so much, I would be happy not to have them too!

But I think I will always be keeping an eye on this girl from now on - and her father. But I won't say anything to anyone about it, of course. It is not something that I would want other people to be thinking because I am most probably wrong.

Instincts are there for a reason and often tell us important things that we try to ignore through rationalisation. As long as you don't repeat your concerns to anyone in RL, I'd listen to your inner voice telling you something is not right about this child and try to find out more. If you're wrong, no harm done. If you come across stuff that raises real concerns then you may do some significant good. You just keep quiet until you know one way or the other.

Chances are things are fine, but as a society we are all responsible in part for the welfare of children, and that includes not ignoring tell-tale signs that set alarm bells ringing.

I think you're doing the right thing.

You could be right that it's the parents that don't want anyone staying over.

Does sound worrying about the little girl though. Not sure what to suggest.