Did I do the right thing this morning?

[Mobly]

Just really want opinions on what you would have done/did in this situation.

My 3.3yr old DS1 started pre-school April 27th and so far he has loved it. Drop off and pick up no problems, no tears.

This morning, he seemed more quiet/tired than usual and when I went to leave him with teacher he wouldn't let me go. I stayed 10 minutes to try and settle him but in the end decided to take him home.

I always said I wouldn't make him go if he didn't go readily. He is only 3 and I'm a stay at home mum to DS2 also so it's not as if I have to go work just yet.

DS1 has always been a confident, non-clingy child so this is a first for me.

I don't want to knock his confidence or force separation and make school a battleground iyswim?

My sister (pre-school teacher) thinks I should have left him and waited outside for a bit to see if he settled?

I'm not so sure- what do you think?

Hi there,
This is so tough, you rely on instincts at the time and its very difficult leaving your child with relative strangers when he's distressed.
My son started playgroup 2 mornings a week when he was 2 1/2 and although we didn't have tears he was quite "sad" to leave me at first. He races in now and doesn't care really, but I knew that I would have to leave him maybe a bit upset on some days.
So I would agree with your sister, probably go away and wait for ten minutes. My sister also used to work at our playgroup and she always said most kids calmed down very very quickly. I think part of the problem is if you do it once, they soon pick up on that and then know that if they get upset they don't need to go.
If he is like you say non clingy, he may have just been having an off morning?? See how he goes next time.
Hope that helps
K

My DD is 4 and my DS is 2.
They both go to the same preschool. DD is full time, DS goes 3 mornings a week.

Usually both of them are happy and settled, with no tears. They love the school, the teachers and their classmates.

However, there are occassions when one of them (recently only DS) says he doesn't want to go and in the last week or so he has cried about being made to stay.

I have always left them regardless because I know that the tears only last about 2 minutes and that after that they are genuinely happy to be there.
I can look through the window into DS's classroom as I leave the school and 9 out of 10 times, by the time I leave he is already sitting in the circle with his friends happily listening to the teacher reading a story.

Yesterday and today I left him happily with no tears or trouble and was delighted to do so.

This is a very personal issue and it's increadibly hard to leave your child crying and asking for you. However, if you trust the school and the teachers and you know that your child will be happy after a few minutes of your leaving, then leaving them is the right thing to do.
If your child doesn't settle after a short time, maybe it's the not the right school for him right now.

I'd like to say i'd have left him there, but in truth my maternal instinct would probably be to do what you did. It's the same reason i won't leave my 6 mo to cry, even though sometimes there's seemingly no other option. I do think there's a lot to be said about not turning certain things into a battle. By doing what you did, it gives you an opportunity to try to get to the root of the problem and fix it without further anxiety.

I had this with ds on Tuesday,usually goes in no problem but was clinging to me and crying. I still left but popped my head in 5mins later and he was absolutely fine. Its heartbreaking leaving them,but Id rather go through it now so when he has to go school 5 days a week he'll already be used to leaving me and won't find the transition from home to school so difficult.

Thanks everyone.

Kity- my instinct was not to leave him- and as I've never been in that situation before I did what felt right at the time although I did get the impression that the teachers thought I should leave him and see. DS has been fine all day, though probably more tired than normal- I guess being away from me for 3 hours a day is a big change for him. I'm hoping (fingers crossed) it was just a one-off and he is happy to go tomorrow.

Ruthchan- I do trust the school, in terms of keeping him safe, and they're kind etc, but I don't think he has much of a connection with anyone just yet. He certainly did not want to go to his teacher. I think if he had been going longer and I knew they could comfort him I would probably have felt happier leaving. As it is, it would have felt like levaing him with strangers.

Matana, I guess I feel the same as you although I know sooner or later (when school starts) I won't have the option of not leaving him.

Roo, I know that is a valid point and one which I'm keeping in mind too.

Thanks for the understanding everyone. It is hard and I'm probably still quite PFB.

Just remember Mobly, everything is a learning curve!! we make decisions on a daily basis, rightly or wrongly and I do believe in trusting your instinct, after all no one knows your child as well as you do.
Every day brings a new challenge doesnt it?
Hope your little man is settled again
K

My DS - who was very non clingy and confident went through a clingy stage at 3 - he was fine the moment I went out the door mind - how often is he going? And its early days for you both -but the staff will have lots of experience of this - its very very normal

I don't think you did anything 'wrong' because you did what you thought was best at the time and I can see your point 'he doesn't have to be there and taking him home was no big deal for you'... however, do you really want him to see it as 'optional'? Do you want him to think he can get to the door and decide that he doesn't fancy it today? I think at that age if you don't think they're up to it it's best just to tell them it's not a pre-school day today (if he asks) but if you think he's up to it he goes. I have no problem with the parents deciding they don't need to go and making the most of the pre school years, but I think if you start letting the kids decide you are on a slippery slope.

I would have left him and hung around for a little while to see how he went.

Also, have you had any of the kids over to play? It really helps when they have a few proper friends. (I know you said he's been fine till now, but this 'not wanting to go' can start after a few weeks when they've explored all the nooks and crannies and before finding a special friend or two).

Hopefully he was just a bit tired yesterday and he'll be fine by next week.

I do see your point Chippingin, and I certainly won't be the same when it comes to reception. I don't want him to see it as optional but on the other hand I don't want him to feel forced into going at 3. IMO the most important thing right now is that he is happy at pre-school. I want him to have positive associations with it in the hope that when compulsory school starts he wants to go.

He went in fine this morning for the record. My worry about leaving him, with him protesting, would be that he would dig his heels in on all future drop offs. He is the kind of child where if you try and force him, he will be more determined to dig his heels in.

He is generally a very sociable, confident child anyway. This is the first time ever he has clung onto me so a first for me (hopefully a one-off).

He hasn't made any particular friends just yet, but I'll keep and eye out for that. I know some of the mums and children from a local playgroup, so DS does recognise a few faces.

Thanks Kity and everyone else for kind words. Really helps.

Movingandscared, sorry, I didn't answer your question. He is going 5 mornings a week, 3hrs per morning. It's alot isn't it when up until now he has been with me?

I'm glad he was fine today :)

Hopefully it was just a one off.

Have a nice weekend!

Cheers, you too :)