Have I made a rod for my own back with my 7mo DS?

[itisnotacompetitionyouknow]

I'm starting to seriously question my parenting!!

I've always had what I suppose you could call a "baby-led" approach so far. And I think this worked really well when DS was little, and people have always commented on what a happy little boy he is.

However, now he is that little bit older I'm starting to wonder whether I was led too much by him.

I have always given him a lot of attention (thinking that it would make him crave attention less) but now he's older he seems to need a lot of input from me. This means I struggle to get anything achieved! And don't get me wrong I'm not talking about anythign major here, just wanting to cook meals from scratch, being able to get washed and dressed, and making sure the kitchen is clean because this is where we eat our 3 meals.

I have tried distraction, singing to him when I'm doing things, pulling funny faces etc, but doesn't seem to amuse him for long. It probably doesn't help that he is quite mobile now so wants to be exploring the world.

He doesn't tend to sleep much in the day either (2 naps, an hour long each), so use that time to cook etc. And actually not sleeping well at night, so him being demanding in the day can sometimes be very draining.

My family all think it's because I have always pandered to him. They think from a young age a child should get used to be left. I remember my brother being left for hours in a bouncy chair when he was younger whilst my mum did chores, and he didn't cry, but I always thought it was pretty sad he didn't get much interraction. As a result of sitting in his chair a lot he got a flat head, which he still has I think it was this that was in my mind subconsciously, so I've kind of done the opposite to my mum.

Though now I am doubting myself, I thought I was doing the right thing, and now I'm questioning myself. People have always said you can't spoil a baby under 6 months, but didn't intend to change much when he was older anyway. But should I have?

I am probably feeling worse because my family are very much telling me "I told you so..."

Has anyone else followed a similar approach to parenting and everything worked out ok in the end? Or has anyone made changes when the baby has got older and needs more "parenting"?

TIA

Yup. Did what you do. My son is now, at 23 months, incredibly independent to the point that he usually doesn't even want me to play with him!

So it has nothing to do with your parenting but with your child. He just likes attention. Some kids do. Some kids play well alone.

I would get a playpen. Put it where he can see you doing whatever you are doing. Fill it with toys. He'll be fine and learn how to play by himself.

And I really hate the expression 'rod for your own back'. It's a nonsense phrase with no meaning!!!

I also think that maybe he might be sleeping a bit better at night if I hadn't have been so ready with cuddles and milk when he needed it. I've got to say my more "hard-line" friends are getting a lot more sleep than I am.

Okay. Start by thinking about will he still be doing (whatever is irritating, time consuming etc) when he is 18?

At 7 months nothing is set yet.

Now are you allowing him to sleep, giving him calm and a routine for sleep? I would start here, by helping him know the cues for going to sleep.

I would also stop over stimulating by jumping around with lots of activities. This could be tiring him without allowing him to calm himself to sleep. Do let him explore the world, and give him new things to explore, but you don;t have to constantly be an entertainer, and that could exhaust both you and him in different ways.

However it is hard to get dressed, cook, do chores when they are little. Do what feels right to you, but do make sure you save some energy and time for yourself.

At 7 months he is still tiny, don't over think things. Before you know it this time will have gone forever, so enjoy it.

Thanks Tee I think I'm having a major crisis of confidence! But you've made me feel a bit better!

I got some of those comments too. Like you I was completely baby led. DS is now 11 months, goes down to sleep well since we introduced a bedtime routine and did some pick up-put down type stuff. He wakes a bit in thnight at the moment but he's pushing 4 teeth through at once.

I have started getting him to play on his own a bit more while I do things and it's going fine. Mainly I think because he has a really secure base. He knows I'm there if he needs me and that allows him to explore a bit before coming back.

Personally I'm sure doing the chores would be easier if I hadn't cuddled him so much but I wouldn't change what I did for anything.

I mean, you can't let him run rampant and I agree with the things others have said about starting a bed time routine etc.

However, my son, who has had a bedtime routine since he was about 7 months or so, just really started sleeping through the night in his own bed in the past month. We co-slept and getting him out of our bed has not been easy nor is the process done.

But we have done what we needed to do to get as much sleep as possible for everyone and make sure our son is safe, secure and knows he is loved.

Ignore everyone else. Trust your instincts!!

Would you swap the cuddles for a clean house? Houses can be kept clean when they are older, cuddles often get harder to come by!

You can't spoil a child with too much attention. Quite the opposite. More attention from you now ensures that he is more confident as he gets older.

I had one baby just like yours who needed my attention 24/7 and I didn't have time to get housework done. Then six years later I had baby no.2 and she was happy to entertain herself and slept well. I didn't do anything differently second time around. They just have different personalities and temperaments.

You friends may have children who are less clingy and sleep better but that is probably just the luck of the draw. If they'd had your DS they would very probably been in exactly the same situation.

I second the comment from TheSkiingGardner. You can clean the house next year. Enjoy the cuddles while they last.

I agree with the SkiingGardener too. Children do vary in their need for attention. And IME those who struggle with sleep may need more attention during the daytime. I agree it's mostly just the luck of the draw.

Have you tried a treasure basket? Google 'heuristic play' for ideas on what to put in it. Do you have a sling you could put him in while you cook?

I think it's a tricky age - they're into things and mobile-ish but not so interactive that they can join in more.

Developmental psychologists I've read say you can't spoil a baby, but you can a toddler (and by a toddler they mean a 15 month old plus).

And by way of reference, at that age my DS was happy to roll around the floor / play with his toys on his own for ages. I've been very baby-led and never tried to train him to manage without my attention. It's just his personality.

I'm going through exactly the same thing with my daughter, who's 6 1/2 months old. She's so energetic and "fights" sleep (screaming and having tantrums when I try and put her down in her cot). It's getting so bad I even thought of reading the dreaded Gina Ford. But talked myself out of it pretty quick...
Currently trying to maintain a regular bedtime routine (bath, massage, story and cuddles) - at least it is a nice time for us prior to the screaming meltdown as soon as she goes into her cot! Would love to hear any tactics you find that work for your son.

You are doing totally the right thing. Have only skim read responses but ALL children have a clingy/separation anxiety phase at exactly your DS's age. I believe usually starts at 6-8 months although am happy to be corrected on this. It is a normal part of development and it will pass.

Keep being led by him, ignore other peoples comments and you will have a happy and secure baby who knows he is loved and his needs are met.

FWIW I had a similar parenting style and DS2 is not clingy at all. He is 26months and has been very independent for a very long time.

DS1 however I left to cry in his cot to go to sleep, I denied him attention when I had 'more important' things to do. He is insecure, lacks confidence, cannot amuse himself, and does not interact particularly well. Follow your instincts rather than doing what your parents think is best or following what your friends are doing.

I know some people frown on them but DD hops around in her door bouncer in the kitchen door way when she wants to see me while I need to get on. I also sit her in her high chair with something to gnaw on (celery, rice cake etc) and that buys me a bit of time.

I do leave DD to her own devices a lot too as DS only learnt to play alone aged about 7 so I am leaving her when she is happily staring at the wall/her hands etc.

Sounds like you've been doing a great job, don't panic! I remember my son going through separation anxiety at around the same age. I have been led by my son and have a happy independent boy (when he's not dabbling in the world of tantrums, ha!). People comment on how happy and confident he is.
The housework will get done, don't sweat it.

Dabbling in the art of tantrums

When I read your thread I just felt for you and thought that your family, although I am sure well meaning, had been unhelpful! And I immediately thought of these poems:

"Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth, Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."

I hope my child looks back on today
and remembers a Mum who had time to play
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up when we are not looking
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
Cos babies grow fast, we learn to our sorrow
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm cuddling my baby, and babies don't keep xx

Please don't worry! You are doing great.