Coping with Toddler and Newborn

[clemmiejones]

I have a 34 month old boy and a 14 week old (also a boy). Finding it incredibly stressful managing them both on my own as the elder one is very boisterous and over enthusiastic around the baby so I can't leave them together for a second. I find bf almost impossible when the elder one's around as he comes and jumps around us and bothers the baby so he stops feeding. I have to shut myself in another room to feed (which the toddler hates) and just hope he doesn't get up to too much mischief while I'm gone. I thought by now the novelty of a new baby would have worn off and things would be a bit calmer but they just seem to be getting harder as the baby is awake more and needs my attention as well. I try continually to encourage my toddler to be gentle with the baby but often I feel angry towards him for making me so stressed then feel really guilty as he's only little himself and needs lots of my time as well. If anyone has ideas on how to calm my toddler down and teach him to be more gentle with the baby this would help enormously.
Help!

I think he's showing signs of jealousy, which is understandable.

How about a sticker chart? You don't have to explain it all to him first, just wait until he's done a nice thing for the baby (passed you a nappy/given him a kiss etc) and then say "you are being so kind DS, you can have a star on my special chart because you are being so good".

He will then feel proud of himself and you can hand them out for other times of good behaviour. Only praise the positive, so no taking stars away or saying "right, you can't have a star", only positive when he's good.

Also - at almost 3, does he go to preschool? As they can go from 2trs, 6 months, it might be worth (if budget allows) to get him into a local preschool for a couple of sessions a week. That way, he'll be getting rid of his excess energy in a controlled way, learning to share etc and giving you a break whilst you have the baby.

Also - perhaps on the weekend, you could take your son out on your own; he perhaps sees you and the new baby all the time and feels pushed out. It's really important to keep the bond with the first child, even though you are spending so much time with the new baby. If you have a partner, or someone to look after the baby (even if it's only for half an hour), spend some quality time with your son at the park/cafe etc and he'll really appreciate it I know.

Hope this helps

Thank you so much for all the advice. I will be trying all your tips and will let you know how we get on. Quality time with my toddler is something I really miss; I'll definitely be trying to get some time 1:1 with him more regularly. (He has 2 mornings a week at a pre-school which he loves by the way). Thanks again vintageteacups; you've been a great help.

Maybe Bf time can also be cuddle time for your toddler. Snuggle up with a book or the TV. Then once new baby dozes off you can do some rough and tumble, or art or whatever with your toddler.

I had 2dds, and found it very difficult. I only used to put the TV on when I was b/f so it got dd1s attention, and I gave stickers for not being rough for periods of time

until breakfast over
after morning snack
after lunch
until DH came home
bedtime

If she got three stickers she got a reward. (something small, sweets, tat etc). If she got three in one day (rarer) she got a big sticker. Five big stickers got her a day at the seaside/camping trip/visit to relatives she was fond of etc. Harder to arrange, but then she only got to that stage twice before she improved to the point that we could move on.

I also made sure she had lots of colouring books which she really enjoyed and could get on with on her own, as she never did really snuggle while I was feeding as she was always too keen to try and sit on my knee and push DD2 off.

DD2 is now one, and we still have the odd problem, but it's got much easier, and you can see how much they love each other. Stick in there, and good luck

I have no advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone!!!
I am in same situation (DS 32 months, DD 10 months) its really hard, he thinks she is a WWF star and continually bowls her over and lies on her (to be fair she doesn't seem to mind most of the time )
My BF sounds easier than for you, but I'm just knackered trying to deal with them both all day long, she wakes up at 5.30 am and they go to bed around 7pm and he quit napping in day when she was 3 months old .
Oh, he has also taken to 'eating' her (read 'biting') I keep telling him 'kissing is nicer' but he has a short memory......
In September he will be three and start kindergarten and I can't wait will be trying the sticker thing myself, me thinks.....

I've definitely said this before on a similar thread, and I'll say it again; a trampoline worked wonders for DS1 (21 mo apart from DS2.) He just bounced all his energy off on it. One of those with the handle, Chad Valley I think. Suitable for indoors too. Also, a baby doll worked. He 'breast fed' his baby when I did mine (!)

Also, a playpen was invaluable. DS2 spent most of his sleep time inside it.

My kids are 14 months apart, best thing I ever brought was a play pen. It meant I could put the baby in there and leave the room without the worry of my son or the dog jumping on her.
I always made up a bottle for my son so that he could feed my daughter and as soon as she was napping it would be his time - its so tiring but worth it. He also had a little teddy so when i changed my daughters nappy he did the teddy, same with feeding.
Find something he loves doing like play doh, a dvd he likes or even a snack he likes which will keep him busy while your bf that way he wont feel so pushed out by it. Make sure he fully understands that you are feeding your other son and how important it is so he doesnt think your just giving random cuddles that he isnt apart of.

You are all amazing with the advice you've offered: THANK YOU! To reply to a few points...
My toddler is so energetic and jumpy it doesnt work to have him next to me while I feed the baby as he (like 2ddornot2dd's toddler) gets right up onto my knee and tried to take over the space. Also I get so nervous when he's near the baby my milk flow pretty much cuts out!!
We have a trampoline and my toddler bounces on it for hours each day: best thing we ever got him!!
I am going to buy a play pen!
Love the sticker idea for being gentle; not sure he'll understand it at first but we'll perceiver.
Colouring books are a great idea for during BF times. Will invest...
Leni75 et al ... one day we'll have got through this and we'll be so proud of ourselves and our lovely family!

OP it gets better my older ds are 6 and 4 with just eighteen months between them, its hard work, but they will be the best of friends, I promise you, so much so that we are planning a similar age gap again ds3 is 7 months now.

invest in reuasble sticker books to keep bigger one happy while you are bf, also reading to him, moonsand or playdough are worth their weight in gold as far as I am concerned

enjoy your family

Thank you gkys; encouraging words :)