At end of tether with 3.7yr old :(

[fledtoscotland]

DS1 has always had tantrums but over the last month they are worsening. Yesterday he smashed DHs display cabinet with model ferraris, today after nursery he managed to undo his car seat belt. Tonight he's tantrumming cos he's got to wear a plaster on his finger (long story involving broken finger, nail drilled to release pressure so he has to keep the dressing on until it's healed)

Anyway, he kicks, screams, scratches for hours. Meals are a nightmare. I have a rule of one mouthful. Then if you dont like it you have tried it. He is back in a highchair as he won't eat a meal and is looking for snacks 30 mins later. Sweets are limited here but I can't find a pattern in connection with a sugar rush. We have tried time out, sent to his room, negotiation, he has been told off/rewarded for good behaviour/toys taken away

I'm now in tears here as I love him so much but I have no idea how to parent him. I struggle as DS2 is calm/placid/cheeky who although has the odd meltdown is generally a pleasure to be with (he's 2.8yrs).

Any advice will be gratefully received

Don't know if it's anything like the same for you, but recently realised my ds1 (4) was playing up much more than normal for the attention - sounds obvious but I honestly hadn't seen it. Ds2 (2) is a handful - really active and v hard not to give more attention to him as he might do something silly/dangerous/random at any moment. Ds1 suddenly started behaving so much better when we made an effort to give him some individual attention first thing in the morning (reasonably easy to do as he tends to wake up first).

The other reason he tends to get hyper and tantrumy is if he's coming down with something - often I don't realise that's what it is til he's properly poorly or one of the rest of us comes down with it, and each time I kick myself for not realising & cutting him some slack.
No idea if that's any use, didn't want you to go unanswered!

Thanks humpty - have switched nursery days so that he has one day a week with just me. Initally this made a difference but not now.

I suppose I just need to take a very deep breath, count to 1000000 and keep going

count to 100000 and have a !
hmm - well I guess if it made a difference to begin with, then it could still be attention-related? Does he behave differently at nursery? (Ours always says he's fine, think it's just us he plays up to); but then I guess we tend to be more ratty with him and less encouraging...

As ever, ttsp...

That could if been my post!! my boy is 3.7 as well and he's being so moody, tempers over not being able to find his whistle toy (tonights chosen impossible object to find), over food, over drinks over pretty much waking up, it's been non stop for about 2 months now.

I thought illness at first. Nursery have said he's a delight, chatty, lovely, caring, sociable and he loves nursery. BUT the second he gets in the car with me it starts -I don't want water, I said juice, I want to sit in that chair, not the booster and on it goes until I tuck him up at 6.30 and have my glass of wine. My lovely 7 year old knows to stay well clear and is fab at managing him.

My neighbour suggested getting 2 jars with sweets / toys etc and having a naughty jar and a good boy jar so he can see his treat disappearing everytime he has s a temper tantrum, and I have to say I bought small toys and 7 of them so each day if his good jar is full he can have a toy, if there is are any in the naughty jar he gets nothing - he has to be good to earn back toys from the naughty jar. We went to the shop he chose toys (just rubbers and cheap bits and bobs they love) and since friday only 2 toys have moved to the naughty jar we have had a lovely amazing weekend and he has been tantrum free even after nursery tonight, he even tidied his room to earn a toy back.

We have also just started a sticker chart for him with his sleeping as he wakes asking for drinks and fussing in the night which with the fast approach to school I'm keen for him to sleep all night, he's allowed wee's and if the duvet falls off etc -but no fussing and wanting drinks in the night.

I've never used these ideas before - just had to tell off my eldest and use sort of old fashioned displine, and take toys away he would listen and was always really good, so fingers crossed this maybe tide us over!!

Dangermouse - ok. am keen to hear more about the jars idea. Can you run it by me again pls - brain is totally addled after 3.5hrs of tantrums tonight.

Am I right in thinking two jars, one with toys and one without. For every tantrum toy comes out of good jar into naughty jar and not allowed anything out of good jar. to earn back he must do something good ie sit at meal nicely and can have a toy if gets to end of day with nothing in naughty jar. He loves puzzles and B&Ms have some for 99p at the moment so was thinking more along those lines.

Again same as you he is the perfect child at nursery - even earning a sticker today for helping tidy the room. He was promised a reward but we didnt even make it to the car before he started up because I wouldnt let him press the exit button on the nursery door (staff dont want the children doing this as there is the potential for them to let themselves out)

Will make a reward chart tomorrow.

Thanks again

The terrible threes!

I've found with DS that I as the adult know what will trigger a reaction so have tried to diffuse these situations where they have become a big deal

eg food, we had similar so I gave him meals I knew he liked for a few nights so we didn't have the fight, I also moved dinner time back a bit and sat and chatted with him so he was distracted. It broke the habit and after a few months he has really matured in his tastes.

I also realised that sometimes he would meltdown because I was rushing him (dd hungry etc). so for the nursery door eg instead of saying no and leaving you could have tried asking him if 'carer' lets him do it and then explain why not.

Admittedly DH was off work for a few days so I had a less busy and stressful time to initiate this approach

With the really bad behaviour (smashing the cabinet) - the jar sounds a good idea. Reward chart never worked with DS but toy confiscation did. You have to find their weakness!

It isn't easy, DS still has a tantrum at least once a day but it is their age and they will grow out of it (probably just in time for your DS2 to take over!!!).