My Dp's only Ds(10) has refused to have anything to do with him for 18months

[lellibobs]

I would welcome any advice from others with similar experience or who can offer ideas on where my Dp can go from here.

Three years ago my dp separated from his wife. They have since divorced after two years separation. A fw months after he left we met. I was divorced four years ago and have two DDs 16 and 18 who get on v well with dp.

DP looked after his Ds every other weekend after he left the marital home and ds enjoyed this time with his father. He is mainly cared for by his grandmother as his mother chooses to work full time. Ds and grandmother are very close and they all live together in the same house with grandfather as well.

We decided to move in together but Dps ex wife did not want him to be introduced to me as she felt he would be too upset. He is a very sensitive boy and was very upset at the breakup of his parent marriage.

So it was left as long as possible but my DP told his Ds about me and that I would be moving in.

Since then he has refused to see my dp at all and apparently tears up letters and his mother has refused to encourage him to see DP. This has been going on for so long and is heartbreaking for Dp. in the mean time DP has been paying maintenance and school fees so that his ex does not have any money worries.

Dp tried to get CAFCAS hearing but in the end withdrew the action because he did not want his son to be upset by being interviewed by court officials and poss the judge.

All advice gratefully received as to how long this might continue and is there anything he can do other than what he does already which is write to him regularly on the advice of a child psychologist?

What a sad story, I am not sure that I can be of any help,and how old is his son? but are his ex wife and her family any help or is the feeling that they encourage his sons behavour? It seem only natural that he would be upset by the split but years have passed and if they are not being helpful they are actually making this boy stay in his suffering longer than he needs to. Can your DP have any phone contact with his son?

Have you only just moved in with his dad? perhaps he harboured some fantasy that they'd get back together and it's only really hitting him now.

I find my children are a bit 'unsettled' after they've seen their dad. Sometimes my kids hit me and call me an idiot the week after they've seen their dad. I don't tolerate it but I put it down to emotions they can't articulate that they take out on me. I think it's unusual that the boy is taking his emotions out on his father. It would be more usual to 'punish' the person closest, ie, his mum.

When you say he's sensitive........... did your dp kind of avoid telling him the really blunt reality that he would never get back together with his mother. Perhaps the boy is upset on behalf of his mum too. Maybe he thinks she's 'taking it lying down' and wants to make a stand.

Maybe your husband could give him some space but send him a letter every week. It'd be something for him to keep.

Thank you very much for your responses

cjel His son is now 10 and is being sent by his mother to boarding school 90 miles away this september. DP feels that this will make it even harder to see his son and is sure it is deliberate on the part of his ex. When DP writes to his son the letter is given to him by his mother and of course he rips it up in front of her which is reported back to my DP. I think if it was left in his room in private he would open it and read it before he ripped it up. He doesn't have a mobile phone or at least that it what we are told and as there is no cooperation or encouragement from his ex or the ex in laws there is no point phoning the house or buying him a phone. We have also been advised by a child psychologist not to make direct approaches but stick to writing letters. DP is keeping copies of all the letters he sends so that one day he will be able to read them.

valium You have hit the nail on the head in that we are sure he was hoping his parents would get back together and once he was told about me he realised it wasn't going to happen. We also think that he was happy to have weekends with dad but doesn't want to share him with me. I moved in last year. I think he's punishing DP because he can't really take it out on his mum and his grandmother because they are his only family. DP will keep writing and we are hoping that when his DS goes to boarding school he will be able to e mail him but by then it will be two years since any contact.

Hi - no particular advice I'm afraid but you might get some good advice if you post this on the Step parenting forum too......

Toot
Good idea, thanks I will try that next