What's up with my child?

[Jolande]

Hi all!

I have a gorgeous and lovely 5-year-old little boy, and I'm a bit concerned about his overall behaviour. I don't want to be one of those parents that blames a child's misbehaviour on ADHD instead of on themselves, and I am trying to explore what is going wrong. Is it my parenting? I don't mean I am a bad parent, but I am wondering whether I am not doing something my child needs maybe???? Anyway, lets first describe what's up with my son.

• He always moves (I mean always!), unless he's watching telly. Although it takes him all of half a nano-second to start moving again when advertisements come on.
• His favourite activity is climbing, preferably on furniture, or contorting his body in bizarre positions (sitting upside down on the sofa for example)
• He interrupts constantly. He does know it's wrong because if I interrupt him (because he has just said the same thing over, and over, and over again), he tells me off in that lovely way kids do lol.
• He has some issues respecting other people's personal space, in as such that he loves kissing girls (a Casanova at the young age of 5...)
• He doesn't seem to listen. I know most parents will say this about their kids at some point or another, but he really doesn't listen. We have to check with him he listened by making him repeat what we said all the time.
• He struggles with taking turns

Also, he's left-handed, if that might have something to do with it.

My hubby and I try our best to get him to follow simple rules, hoping it will instill some routine on him. We have a wall-chart with what is and isn't acceptable in our household, and he is aware of them because, again, if someone else brakes one of the rules, he is very quick to point that out. We have clear consequences for misbehaviour, but it just doesn't seem to sink in. We have to explain everything over and over again and make him repeat it, in the hope he gets it.

For example, last week in school he was playing around with a group of kids and asked a girl to kiss him. She ran away and he pulled her back by her hair, which totally freaked the girl out. I've been in to the school to make sure his behaviour is monitored in future and he suffered the consequences at home by having lost priviles such as telly and sweets. I then asked him to make an apology card for the girl in question and he drew a picture of him helping the girl up. So obviously, he is completely getting what he did wrong. But when he was being told what he did wrong by the Head Teacher, he just didn't flinch at all. No remorse, nothing. I don't get it. It's as though he's completely selective with understanding and behaviour.

It's hard for me to talk about this, because so many parents will say 'oh, that's exactly what my kid does' or 'well, it's his age' or 'boys...', but I just want to be sure. Just that if he does have some sort of special need, I can ensure he gets the right help and I can look into whether or not I need to use some different parenting/discipline styles.

So sorry for the long rant!!! Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you think he could have some sort of special need, please let me know. Or if you think he is completely normal for his age, please let me know as well. And most of all, if you have any tips on how to deal with his behaviour, that would be fantastic. I just find myself frustrated with him so often and I don't want to feel like that, it ruins time we have together that should be special and fun...

Thanks all :)
Jolande

okay

first off, you mention ADHD, it's a bit confusing, because if he has ADHD then advice is going to be different

next, when was his last hearing test? might be worth getting that checked out

how much exercise does he get daily? can you walk to/from school, have you a trampoline, does he do any after school sports type activities? IME high energy boys really benefit from daily access to open spaces to run and run partic after being confined in classrooms

Hi,
The only real reason I mention ADHD is because if I type his behaviour in google, that's all it comes up with. But I think ADHD is seriously over-diagnosed, to the detriment of kids/adults who really have it, so I don't want to go down that route until I have some stronger indications than google, if you know what I mean. Also, I read that it's not ADHD unless his academic work suffers, and as far as I am aware he is actually a bit ahead in his school work (reading, maths, etc...), as far as that is possible for a 5-year-old.

His hearing test was fine, it was done about four months ago in school, so no concerns with his hearing. Although I have heard that sometimes kids go a bit deaf when they have a growth-spurt? Don't know if there is any truth in that.

He does get plenty of exercise, I'm very keen on keeping him physically active, we bike to school and he plays outside a lot, weather permitting.

I do think lately his behaviour has gotten a bit worse and he is also sleeping less well, so there might be a correlation in that. I'm going to send him to bed earlier and see if that makes any difference.

I don't know, I guess it's just that I feel his behaviour is not quite the same as that of other little boys his age... When he first started school, he was very insecure. Although this seems to have resolved itself in school now, he is an introverted little boy, so maybe that is part of the problem as well? Am I just being an overconcerned mum?

Sorry, I don't have a 5yr old boy, a 2.8yr DD, but all these things you describe as being 'wrong' with your boy sound quite normal to me.

For example, simplify it as, your 5 yr old boy exhibits 'abnormal' behaviour such as;

1. He can't keep still, is a fidget
2. Likes climbing
3. Interrupts you talking
4. Wants to kiss girls
5. Won't listen
6. Not keen on sharing

Is this behaviour worthy of discipline or some sort of medical assessment? Don't you remember being 5? Boys used to chase girls round the playground trying to kiss them, show them their willies, all the sort of normal behaviour people seem to think is 'abnormal' these days. I think you are right to discipline him up on pulling the girls hair and trying to force her to kiss him as that sounds too rough and you wouldn't want it to escalate, however he'll probably find most girls will shove him away if he tries is on (as is the case when he is 15yrs older!)

you sound like a great parent who is doing all the right things. Do you have any other kids and what are they like? My five year old boy doesn't listen but he is able to take turns and he doesn't need to move all the time. You might benefit from reading Robin Pauc who says ADHD doesn't exist as a separate syndrome, but that most kids will exhibit some developmental delay type symptoms at some point in their childhood.

Jolande His behaviors would need to be fairly or severely extreme to justify an assessment for ADHD and present themselves in more than one setting ie: school would need to complete a questionnaire about your ds and agree his behaviours affect him in a negative sense in class. Does your ds have friends? I ask because many children with true ADHD are not the most popular kids in class due to developing or poor social skills and an inability to respect others' personal space ie: in their faces. My ds aged 8 is dx ADHD. I knew from around the age of 3 that he was not 'typical'. FWIW, you sound like a great parent so I think you can rule that out as the problem. Can I also mention Robin Pauc .. I have read his book that states ADHD, dyslexia etc do not exist and basically all these problems are down to diet, discipline and some squiffy brain activity. He claims to be able to cure all these with adjustments in these areas. He also has a massive 'get out clause' by stating that if his theory doesn't work on your child, they are probably autistic (in so many words) ... which is a bit of a cop out really and totally devalues his professional opinions as far as I am concerned.

Ok, why are you posting on here about my son???????

You DO have my son there with you dont you, soing all of the things that you are describing?????

SOoooooo, can i just say...NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL to you please.

My boy described by his teachers in the 1st 4 years of his school as "The boy who just cant sit still",
This caused a bit of chaos in class at quiet times like story times and carpet time, so they gave him some blue tack to mess with.

He never sat through a full DVD or full cartoon on telly tll he was about 7 years old. He just could not concentrate for that length of time. He has zero interest in gaming, would rather be out on the trampoline or playing on his bike/scooter.
He now is great, really settled down.

Dont try to force him to change, continue to do what you are doing, you are doing great!

Some one gave me a fab bit of advice "dont try to force him to fit into your world, just try to understand his world a bit better".

My 5 year old ds displays all of this type of behaviour, it can be challenging at times but I look at myself & remember how I was at that age especially kissing the boys!! Also at his father & recognise alot of similar personality traits. I have found that structure & routine really help & good behaviour reward charts work really well, I include him in helping to make them, he then gets excited to receive a 'good behaviour' sticker. I have also found that talking to him about how he is feeling (there is a great book 'How do I feel') if he has been particularly disruptive, to help him to express his feelings. This has worked really well.

I agree with bigbumum!

This is very similar to my DS. But I dont think he would have the insight to draw a picture of him helping someone up- your DS has obviously thought about it and figured out what he could do to help her which seems lovely.

My dd is much younger but I don't think this is abnormal behavior. I used to baby sit a little boy who was 4 and a half and apart from the kissing he was exactly the same. Used to drive me nuts with his constant moving. He was a lovely and friendly little boy but he would figet non stop, interupt, climb, sit in silly positions on the sofa (upside down was his favourite until he got up and had a head rush) and I don't think we ever managed a whole episode of a cartoon never mind a feature length movie! I think it's all completely normal behavior for boys and I'm sure a lot of girls that age do similar things too. I know my sister couldn't stay still when she was his age!

My DD is 5 1/2, and is exactly the same (other than the kissing - she hugs everyone and anyone and doesn't understand to LET GO when they pull away from her).