4yr old being horrible/rough around sister 1yr

[GoingLoopyLou]

Need some advice please.

4yr old DS has always been an absolute joy, always done as asked, always been so sweet and caring and gentle. All our family and friends have always commented on how good he is, that "we'll never get another as good as him"

In the last couple of months DS's behaviour has really gone down hill, not doing as he is told, waiting for me to get to the stage where I have to shout at him before he will do anything, not listening etc. (I know some of you will think this is a typical 4 yr old but it's not typical of him). Coupled with this he is often rough towards his sister, I know he's a boy and they can be rougher but even when we ask him to be gentle etc it's like he's not hearing us and we end up shouting at him again as he's still being rough, sometimes this is just playful and he is getting over excited but on a few occasions he has pushed her and she has fallen over and today he threw a toy at her. He usually does this when we are out of sight and always tells us meekly what he has done.

Our punishment of choice is timeout and on the last couple of occasions we have put him on there he has cried and apologised when he has come off timeout and when really pushed has said he doesn't like dd and wants it to be just him again. This upsets me so much but then I end up giving lots of cuddles and I now think he knows he can use that to get off the hook!

90% of the time he is fine with her and can't get enough of her and his face quite literally lights up when she walks in a room or when he hears her wake up in the morn/after nap.

At a time when I really want to show him how much I love him and how special he is, and that he is still just as important to us, I find myself shouting at him all the time and it's making me miserable and I hate to think what I'm doing to him. But I can't let these things go unpunished can I?

I know he could almost be behaving like this in an attention seeking manner but I feel like I'm in a vicious circle as again, I have to punish him for behaviour like this and therefor he gets attention.

Please help me nip this in the bud as I already feel it's getting out of control.

There may be a key in there - have you had his hearing checked? It would not explain everything but possibly be an answer, if there was a problem....

Read 123 Magic by Tom Phelan - effective discipline without losing your temper, shouting, losing your head Easy to read and the techniques even worked on my ds1 who has adhd. The techniques are suitable for ages 2-12.

Try to make some special time for just you and him together. Get your dp to look after the baby and you and ds just head off out somewhere - park, swimming etc. Show him he's still special to you.

He'll get used to his sister in time, try to encourage him to be protective towards her rather than seeing her as a rival. He might like the idea of assuming a big brother role

Attention seeking and sibling jealousy gets worse when the younger one starts getting more mobile (trying to play with older one's toys etc) and able to talk, in my experience - mine are four years apart, and DS was mostly fine with DD while she was a baby, but got steadily worse as she started crawling and walking and demanding more of my attention, as well as spending less time asleep during the day, of course.

No magic solution that I know of, apart from the usual parenting mantras of firmness, consistency, calm and so on, but I would second the advice about trying to fit in some one-to-one time with him (for both you and your DH).

One thing that helped for us at that age was giving DS some space of his own that DD couldn't get to - in our case that involved basically fencing off half the living room (using a dismantled playpen and some luggage straps....) so that DS could play with his trains and lego without DD getting at them. If you could think of any way of doing something similar, he might feel less pressured.

Thanks ilovemyhens will get that.

Ex pat that's a really good point. Lately he has been playing with all her stuff but I do find when he wants to play with his I am constantly reminding him to be careful dd doesn't get them as they are small etc, so half the time he doesn't bother much.

I am interested in this thread - as am expecting a second child and DS1, who is 4, could potentially be very similar to your DS. He already is behaving like this, on and off, without having a sibling.

I agree with NationalTruss that nothing like time outs works for my DS. But I've also read 'unconditional parenting' and don't like it very much. The theory is great, but there are no real practical pieces of advice and the book just ended up making me feel incompetent and more out of my depth, when not reading it and dealing with the real thing.

I prefer a book called 'Playful Parenting' which is full of lots of good practical advice.

Sorry got no helpful points though, as I am not there with two children yet ...

I clicked on this thread because I have a 5 year old and 18 month old (and also expecting my third) and I am going through exactly the same.

When my 2nd was born, it was pure torture. My 5 year old simply changed overnight, was extremely jealous and was so rough with the baby. We were told they always do this and to give it a couple of weeks and they soon get used to the idea of having a baby at home. That was 18 months ago and nothing has changed. We have had health visitors involved, the school nurse, doctors and yes ... we also took him to the doctors for a hearing test as he just wouldn't listen but perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong with him, infact doctors have told us he is very intelligiant for his age. We have done everything with the warnings, putting him on the step but yet he still won't behave. He is such a lovely child really and when on his own with me, I start to wonder what all the fuss is about but when they are back together, the torture starts again. My 5 year old tries to get my 18 month old to do things that are wrong, he will leave the stair gate open to purposely let him through, he throws toys at him and when my 18 month old has hurt himself. my 5 year old will laugh like it is funny. This hurts so much as I don't want him to be like this.

I am now even more worried because now I am expecting my 3rd baby, I feel it is going to start all over again. However, I am trying to help myself by not shouting etc but it can be so hard sometimes not to. As soon as I have shouted, I immediately ask myself why I just shouted. My 5 year old then starts shouting back at me and his attitude sometimes can be appalling but yet other times, he can be so polite. When he goes to grandparents, he is a different child and I sometimes feel they think we are making this up.

I am sure things will change soon and although I thought we were the only parents in the world going through this, I now see we are not.

Your post sounded like it was written by myself apart from the fact my DD is 17 months old and we're expecting DC3 at the end of June. My DS who's nearly 4 behaves exactly the same as your DS towards his sister, an angel 80% of the time and can be a horrible little terror the rest of the time. It's got worse in the last month as they've been sharing a room but I realise DS needs some one to one with me and DP. DD is such a funny (incredibly cheeky/mischievous!) little thing and as much as she makes us laugh I do think it's part of the problem.

No advice I'm afraid I just wanted to say your DS isn't the only perfect little angel to develop a side we've never seen before and would prefer never to see again but we just need to see things from his point of view and deal with it as best we can. Xx

I think the key is to try to spend as much time with him on a one to one as possible but it's hard when sometimes before we are all even out of bed we seem to be off on the wrong foot and slip into the whole vicious circle thing.

Hi - I do think 4 years can go through a difficult time - my DS and loads of his friends did for a few months and then settled down - having sometime when the baby napped did help. And remember to be kind to yourself - you sound quite guiltly - its normal to find children at times frustrating and to do things you wish you havn't done - in our house anyway! If I do shout at DS I do talk to afterward and apologise - for us starting school helped