ds1 (aged 5) giving things away at school - any advice out there?

[laughorcry]

Just wondering if this is normal really, and how cross to be.

ds1 is nearly 6 and we discovered yesterday that he has been taking things in to school (a cheapish watch which we bought him and a car toy that his grandmother got for him that we know about so far) and giving them to another boy. Worse than that he took his little brother's watch in as well, although fortunately he gave that to a girl whose parents we know well, so am pretty sure we will get that back.

I've tried to check whether he is being bullied at all by the boy he gave the stuff to but it doesn't seem like it. He had a rough time friends-wise last term but I thought that things had settled down now.

So from now on I guess we have to search him in the morning before school? Any other advice/thoughts?

Also, how serious do people think this is? dh is very angry indeed (not like him) but my instinct is to be a bit more sympathetic.

I can understand your dh being angry but I think that your more sympathetic reaction is the better one. I would say that he's still struggling with making friends and thinks that giving children toys will help cement a stroger frienship.
I'm afraid since I'm dyspraxic the whole issue of making friends is rather beyond me but I'm sure others will offer better advice, but I would go in and have a chat with his class teacher and find out how he is at interacting socialy both in the classroom and at play time.

It's not serious, there's no call at all to be angry with him (although a mild rebuke about his brother's watch wouldn't go amiss) and what I'd do is talk to his teacher about nuturing some friendships because it sounds like he's trying to buy friends (not uncommon for 5 year olds)

It might be an idea to give him a script to approach people with (I still have to do this with my 8 year old),. Tell him to approach a child and say "WOuld you like to play tig with me?"

I'm sorry - I think I'm being really stupid - what has dyspraxia got to do with making friends???

ANd (and I hate myself for saying this, because it shouldn't matter, but it does) make sure he's clean and tidy, has an average haircut, the same clothes as the other boys, and watches a few 'normal-for-his-peers' cartoons

Thanks for all the responses. Colditz - that's an interesting point. I am hyper-careful about stuff like that as we live abroad and I can see that it is bad enough being five in the playground without being a different nationality. Even worse the problems with friends started when he got put up a year (slightly against our better judgement).

So hair, clothes, TV, toys, etc all as local as we can make them, but there is no hiding the fact that we are English (we speak the community language reasonably well but are not bilingual). Plus the inevitable swotty stuff.

Eek, I am starting to feel more and more sympathetic!

But he still took his brother;s watch as well as his own stuff. So would you guys not go for any sort of punishment?

I wouldn't, he's very little and being a foreigner amongst your peers would be hard enough for an adult, never mind a very little boy.

Are you saying he's in a class with 6 and 7 year olds?

I'd kick off. He does NOT need to be with older children. He needs to be with children his age so he can make equal friends and not be stuck with cynical 7 year olds who are probably manipulating him into stealing for them!

You have calmed me down (ds1 would say thank you if he knew!). It is a good point that he may be being manipulated a bit. At worst I think now he is probably trying to buy friends.

He is in a class with 6 and 7 year olds, but he is 6 at the end of this month. It is still definitely hard for him. It was very hard to know what to do about him changing year. It is much more normal here than in the UK, and the school were very strongly in favour. Because it is quite common there is very little differentiation of the curriculum and the teacher's position was that he could either go up a year (her favoured solution) or do exactly the same as the other children in his original year (which she said would make him so bored that he would switch off).

We made a massive effort with playdates and stuff, but you are right that it would probably be better for him to be with his own age group. Problem now is that he would have to literally repeat all the work he has just done if he goes back down again.

Aaaarrggh this is all so complicated. Thank you for taking the time to post, though - it is helping me to think things through.

My dd (nearly 6) has started giving away stuff. A few weeks ago a friend asked if she could have something and dd gave it to her. Since then it has escalated and this set of friends regularly ask dd for stuff and she just gives it to them. I am starting to intervene! Usually it's just bits of tat but occasionally it isn't . Now, I insist dd checks with me before she gives away her things. I suggest you have a rule that your ds must come and check with you before giving away any stuff.

Sounds like a good idea Acinonyx, although I think ds1 may have been a bit further gone than your dd - he knew he shouldn't have given his brother's watch away (and I'm pretty sure he knew he shouldn't have given his own watch away) and did it anyway.

I guess from their point of view the distinction between tat and nice things isn't very clear. I wouldn't have been at all bothered if he had given away tat, even though he might think it precious. Also, we spend all the normal time going on about sharing and passing round food, etc so maybe there are some mixed messages from his point of view? Still doesn't excuse taking his brother's watch though.