Can't/won't play alone! So, let a 3.5 year old watch DVD's endlessly or keep trying to involve?!

[pipkin35]

DS seems unable to play alone. My fault with PFB syndrome, I know. I tried the timer thing, and setting up something and playing with him for a few mins. Doesn't work with us for whatever reason. I set up his train track and play for a bit, then go into the kitchen. He plays in a big room and the kitchen is right next to it, so it's practically like I'm int he same room still.
He follows me. Or sits down on the sofa.
We've just moved and have a garden. My 2 yr old DD is always out there. And can amuse herself endlessly it seems. The 3.5 DS is a different story.
He could sit on the sofa and wtach DVD's or CBBC endlessly. I cannot describe how bad I feel that he does this. If I get out baking/paints/crafts etc...he will only be interested for 1 or 2 minutes at most. (They say the same at nursery pretty much). They are both at nursery 3 full days a week.

Should I just 'leave him to it'? I don't want to 'bully' him to 'play' if he doesn't want to, but how much would he know he wants to do at his age?! He sucks his thumb and looks blank to me laying on the sofa but would probably let me know if he wasn't happy....? I just don't know. Maybe he's just 'chilling out'?!
When we go out in the buggy these days, he doesn't even want to walk at all.
Hasn't napped int he day since about 2.5, but always in bed by 7.30pm and sleeps 12-13 hours.
I always ask him what he'd like to do, or give him a choice, but should I stop doing that?
Like yesterday, I said "Do you want to go to the park or to the shop?" he wanted to go to the shop to 'find' a smoothie. We did that - DD was asleep in buggy. I then said how we could go to the park but he wasn't interested.
Have posted on here before regarding him not being a physical toddler, rather more cautious, into reading/talking etc...but I can't do that 24/7 with him when I have a 2 yr old Dd who would rather be in the paddling pool!
I just hate to see him there lying so blankly whilst me and 2yr old DD are running round screaming with laughter whilst squirting each other with water pistols!

I know you must be worried about him, but it's possible he will get there eventually.

Keep leaving him, keep setting up toys in his bedroom, keep leaving it as an ideal option - he will probably start to play on his own eventually.

limit the tv time? he will join in eventually, he probably likes the company, don't worry too much,

I would remove the TV/DVD option almost entirely - he is not too young for you to establish a set time when he may watch TV (the half hour after his tea, for example). Once this becomes the norm, he will quickly learn that TV is just not an option at other times and this may lead to him beginning to occupy himself with other activities.

Does he go to swimming lessons, soft play or Tumble Tots - places where it is much harder to sit on the sidelines and not join in? This might encourage him to be a bit more physically active. Likewise, don't stop offering choices but offer two choices which have the same play value - so 'Do you want to go to the park or do you want to ride your bike/kick your football around on the grass?' And don't let him have the buggy option for short walks - I assume you must have a double buggy for the both of them - is it time to get a single one just for your DD?

When he follows you into the kitchen, what does he then do? and what do you do?

can you look at how you structure your days so you get the best out of him?
my 4yo does tire a lot at the end of the day, and especially at the end of the week. telly is restricted to 3.30pm onwards, and most days doesn't go on until 4.30pm. at this point dd1 is often genuinely knackered and really only good for vegging out a bit.

we do have active mornings though, despite her being a more sedentary type. we go to the park/long walk to the library/soft play/children's centre each morning, and i don't offer a choice.

If he's at nursery 3 days chances are he's knackered- mentally rather than physically. Are they 3 days in a row or 2 in a row and one other?

I would go for one chill out day when he vegges and there may be a fair bit of telly, but the other days I would plan stuff and get out of the house (avoiding the telly!) quite a bit. Must be quite hard if you've just moved.

Go to the park/playground, see other people (hard when you've just moved but very good for entertainment both kids and adults!).

I can empathise with the blank stare and the poor concentration. My DS can be like this after nursery school in the afternoon and he's 4.5- I know this isn't his normal behaviour though, when not tired he is animated, busy and plays very well, just after a busy morning he can often be good for nothing, and then it's actually really hard to play with him or expect him to play by himself, he's basically past it! Sorry long sentence!

Maybe he needs some time just to chill, but perhaps this doesn't have to be in front of the telly. Hmmmm

My DS is now nearly 6 and is like this and has been like this since - well - ever, pretty much. It's only since having DS2 who is now 3.5 and not at all like this that I rested with it a bit more and concluded that it probably has quite a lot to do with personality. As a baby (9months+) DS1 loved to look at books, do puzzles etc. DS2 has never sat still for more than 5 minutes straight! At 2 years DS1 would watch a whole feature length video after his lunch (his 'quiet'-time choice once a nap was out of the question!) whereas DS2 positively HATES videos/DVDs and protests at films being put on by his older sister and brother. DS2 will ask for CBeebies to go on and might watch a few (shorter) programme that he enjoys, but also plays with the telly providing background noise more than anything. DS1 would watch TV all day if allowed, and asking him to go and play is like an unreasonable request somehow, but I have found upsetting but am trying to get less bothered by it. What I also noticed though is that in watching long videos etc, DS1 really really took and loved the stories he was watching. He also loves to listen to story tapes and to be read to. His absolutely best treat would be to go to the cinema (first film at the cinema was Kung-fu Panda aged just 3) whereas I would rather pluck out a toenail than embark on taking DS2 to see a film just yet! - He would be wriggling within 10 minutes and wanting to go home within 20, which is a sad reality as he keeps asking to go, as he knows DS1 loves it and DS1 is his ultimate role model at the moment!

I increasingly think that this (TV and DVDS) is how he gets his stimulation, but also - for a quite introverted child - is where he gets his down/chilled out time. He looks like he's vegging, but really he's being stimulated, challenged and entertained. When he does eventually settle into a game (for short periods) he re-enacts these stories and plays out the characters/scenarios, etc. DS2 is a much more extroverted child, doesn't seem to need the same 'story-starters', finds his own games much easier to enter into and is just too busy busy busy to watch endless telly. Incidentally DS1 often plays quite solitary games at school, and is the sort of child who likes to have one 'best' friend rather than mucking in with everyone altogether. DS2 is much more likely to be right there in the thick of it!

We do limit DS1's (and everyone's) TV viewing, especially at weekends and holidays and if he is naughty, withdrawal of the TV is the most powerful punishment or bargaining tool. We also are quire strict on what he watches and what he doesn't. He is not a couch potato, is slim and not piling on pounds of weight. I'm trying to be less stressed about it, but sometimes still get frustrated that the only way to seemingly keep DS1 happy is to stick the telly on. MPD

Oh wauw your DS1 is like my son when it comes to telly time and friends in school... Your message is really heartening to all of us who do worry about our kids. I am very extroverted myself, and as an only child was NEVER bored, but always on adventures outside, pretending I was a ship-wreck victim and my garden was the island I landed on or stuff like that. My son, however, won't do anything like that, he just wants to watch telly (and fidget...) so long as it's not advertisement. I never actually thought about how it can be stimulating and challenging for him. Thanks for that :)

Get rid of the TV!
Seriously.
It isn't stimulating and challenging, Jolande - it just is wasted 'blank' time when he could be doing something more useful / better for him. If he's borrowing all his stories and characters from TV he isn't using his own imagination.
OP - all DCs are different, of course, but in your position I would ditch the TV completely or as others have suggested have a rule of no screens in the daytime. I have a relative who watched way too much TV when he was younger (1-5) and he struggles socially and academically even now (he is 12).

Oh don't get me wrong SouthGoingZax, I don't mean that all he does is watch TV all day, just that he would if I would let him. I just find it hard to understand why a child doesn't chose to engage in imaginative play instead, but the introvert vs extrovert debate is very interesting in that, I think. And also, telly isn't all bad they do learn things from it as well in a way that they potentially find more interesting than nature trails or other educative activities :)

I limit the tv in our house, before DS was at school he would watch a few ceebeebies programmes after lunch while I settled his younger sister for her nap. Now he watches some after school. If they know what to expect, it does lead to less arguing in the longer term.