Bad Behaviour 5 yr old

[stressy123]

Can anyone give me some advice? My son is 5 yrs old and just finishing his first year at primary school. He has not settled at all, using aggressive behaviour towards other pupils and teachers. Often he has to be physically restrained and i often have to get him from school as they are unable to cope. He is quite intelligent and does't have a problem academically but does seem to have a problem with conforming to school life - he tells the teachers 'no' if he does't want to do something (he tries this at home but I am quite strict, although sometimes give up as it isnt worth the fight. Behavioural support and the school psycologist have not been much use at all - they are too busy filling in tick boxes and i am at a loss what to do next. (read every helpbook from the library and tried everything!!

It sounds like your son might have autism. You said he's intelligent but has a problem "conforming to school life". Has he been diagnosed? If not perhaps this could be your problem.

If he hasn't been diagnosed maybe take him to see a specialist to see if this is the problem? It may very well not be but it does sound like it. Then if you find out this is the problem you can go from there. Good luck.

Thankyou for your advice, although all the specialists seem to disreguard autism - will give it a shot though. Thanks again

Ok good luck. My partner has said he knew a boy with similar problems when he was at school, and he had ADHD. Could be that? Hope all works out for you.

Can I just point out that ADHD and autism are very extreme examples?

I know my son is very badly behaved in a small confined area, can get tired and cranky and start pushing other children.

I really want help with finding out how to help him to have tolerance for being in the nursery/school and having to share the classroom with so many children.

People throwing phrases like ADHD and autism around may not be very constructive.

That's true Hysterical. He may have some of the traits, though - any advice would be useful to both the school and family.

Does he frequently refuse to comply with instructions, or just when it goes against what he thinks should happen?

I know my advice will not sound at all like the others here, but if you are very strict at home with him, maybe he uses school to express his frustration? Maybe his frustration is turning into agression?

Is your son in Reception or year 1?

I also have a 5 year old boy who is in Reception, and I have had some (milder) behaviour problems with him. Never agressive at school but he does hit his brother and is rude with his language, and will deliberatly do things we ask him not to. I bribe him. I give him 5 pence for making his bed in the morning, 5 pence for putting his dishes in the dishwasher, and 10 pence for tidying up his toys. If he misbehaves, I take 5 pence away, plus time out. So far, it has worked very well. I'm not sure what other parents think about it, but he doesn't do stickers or long term goals. I think what works with him is instant reward for good things, and instant 'punishment' for bad behaviour.

dd2 has a boy in her class who has had problems adjusting to reception, the school have been excellent, he has support sessions on how to interact and share with other children, they have given him phrases to use in certain situations, they have opened up a reception classroom for him when he first arrives so he can invite children to play with him . It is lovely to see him learning how to interact appropraitely with other children/teachers. He also has his own mat to sit on at circle time so his space is not invaded by the other children.

dd2 often says no to specific activities, she will not do colouring in any lesson other that art!!! Her teacher just shrugs it off and says its not necessary and gives her something else to do.

Hmmmm, I would be asking for more support at the school, checking there are no underlying problems and consider moving school if this is possible, maybe it's just a bad match.

Hi
Probably obvious and I'm sure you already have but have you sat him down and tried to talk to him about his behaviour and what makes him happy / sad cross? I have a 5 yr old in yr 1 who has been displaying similar behaviours but mostly at home. We've not really gotten to the bottom of it but talking to him calmly and trying to look at consequences seems to help him think through his actions a bit. We've also used reward charts and they work quite well - I get him to help agree what goes on there, i.e. being polite, being being, being calm, using words to explain our feelings, not hitting etc. He seems to enjoy earning stickers and when he earns a certain amount he gets a reward - going swimming, comic etc. Try and stay calm, from experience it works better than expressing frustration as this seems to fuel negative emotions in children. I'd be pretty sure that like my son, yours is simply trying to express his own frustrations in a way he know how to where he doesn't have to capacity to express his feelings verbally. Autism and ADHD are extremes but worth ruling out so that other avenues to support him can be explored. My son is also quite intelligent and although his behaviour is mostly demonstrated at home he does complain that he is not happy at school too. I think that for some children the conformity of school and the rigid structure is stifling. I try with my DS to focus on what he likes, praise him for good learning and try and make him feel proud if he has a good day. Sorry for the long waffle but I can identify with you and I hope something here help. x

Thankyou for all your advice, i really dont think he has autism or ADHD (but dont want to rule it out completely a im not a psycologist). We live in Scotland so they dont have a Reception year he is just in Primary 1. A lot of it seems to be about control. ie wont do something just because an adult wants him to, everything is on his terms. I have tried all the positive reinforcment stuff - sticker charts, immediate rewards etc. He now has a bottle which we put dry pasta in if he is good, the school put in little bricks so it is in place both at school and home. But as with all these things it isn't enough of a motivator to stop the aggressive stuff. I have tried to stop shouting and be more positive about the good stuff (he can be an angel when he is in the mood), am definately going to try praise even more though. Again control is always an issue though with a few strange compultions (he has to do a spin before getting in the car and at school will cross out dots above i's unless they are directly above the line. The teachers say they have never seen a child like this before which worries me to death!

I'm also not a psychologist, so stab in the dark here but as long as you are getting some advice, you might as well check this one out as well. The last two things you said there stuck out to me, about the spinning and the dots. Have you thought of Tourette's?

Also, maybe a bit off topic, but it's comforting to read other people also struggle with their kids, and will shout at them and get into power struggles, not just me phew, so thanks for that :)

Best of luck,
Jolande

I would look for a sporty, strict school which will give him lots of routine but burn all the energy off!

Strange compulsions are often linked to ASD. And being in control. And liking to know eactly what is going to happen, strict routines, etc. But it may not be that at all. Whatever it is, you and the school need some strategies.

I would be amazed if the school (Educational?) Psychologist has never seen behaviour like this before. Could you go to your GP and tell him/her all this and ask for a paediatric assessment?

Thankyou, like Jolande it is reassurung I am not the only one in the world.
Can i ask LeninGrad what stratergies you are using? I am reluctant to change schools (primarily for convinience as I also have a DD there and am a stones throw frrom school-seen as one of the best Primary schools in my area). I am also worried that i would just be moving the problem elsewhere rather than dealing with it

I think you are right - stick with the school.

Is it regarded as good because of SATs results? I know people who have experienced difficulties getting some schools to meet their child's needs because the head (maybe secretly) doesn't want kids who will bring the results down. If that is the case, you are going to need to be strong and assertive in getting what you want for your DS.

He has been refered to just about everybody. Most of which seem to take 6 mths to fill in a tick box to tell us what we already know! Sorry but I have found the whole system very frustrating. Finally got the ed. psycologist on the phone today after a week of pestering the department 24/7!! Feel asthough i am finally getting somewhere though.

Stressy has your son been assessed by a developmental pediatrician? An EP cannot diagnose a child nor can any other behavioural support personnel - they can only advise on what will work best for them in the school environment. How is he at home? Does he have friends? Many children find school stressful, but extreme behaviours are usually the result of behavioural disorders, anxieties or depressions. You will know in your heart if your son is 'different' and should follow your instincts to get him support if you feel he warrants it. If so, start with your GP.

@stressy123 Hi, just wondered what the outcome was for your DS. I’m going through similar things with my 5 yo ds in primary one. Thanks