Feeling so stressed and emotional, really feel like breaking down. Its so hard.

[rainyspells]

I'm really hoping to get some help as I feel like I genuinely cannot cope anymore. I have a DD 23months and a DS 10months and well it's just getting so hard that there are days where I feel like running away.

We knew it would be tough with them being so close in age but they are both just at such a demanding age right now and I'm finding it really hard to deal with.

The terrible two's started at about 18months with DD and its seems to be getting so much worse. There is a tantrum every 5 minutes. I find it hard to cope with the screaming/crying all the time. She hits her brother regularly (wich I know is just something kids do at that age) but she doesn't listen to a word I say. I tell her to stop hitting him and say sorry (which she does) but will do it again about an hour later. Other times she is really great with him though; giving him toys or his milk. She just seems to get annoyed with stuff so easily e.g trying to put her shorts on, she barely even put her foot in before she had a tantrum. Her tantrums sometimes wake her brother up when he is napping which is just really stressful to deal with. I tell her to be quiet but really she isn't even 2yrs old yet so what am I expected, she is a bloody child fgs - I just really think I expect far too much from her.

DS is still taking a nap in the morning (he and DD also have one after lunch), he normally goes down easily but if he wakes after 20mins or so (he usually naps for about an hour) and is really upset I go in to give him his dummy and tuck him back in but he is starting to depend on being held to get back to sleep and well as I also have DD, I just don't have the time to do that (as bad as that sounds). His sleeping through the night is also becoming really bad, waking and wanting to be held/sleep in our bed to get back to sleep - I know that latter is not a good idea but we are getting desperate and well the truth is, it is so much easier and quicker that holding him and walking about the livingroom for an hour or so at 3am. I know that sounds really lazy but we are just so tired and go for the easy way out.

I try and get out most days because as much as the kids need the fresh air, I really feel it helps me too. Sometimes though, the thought of getting us all ready to go out is just too much really and so we stay in (which I later regret).

I was taking anti-depressants up until a few weeks ago (also very stressed about other things going on at the moment) but stopped taking them as I just felt they weren't helping. (Although my DP has told me today that he has noticed I have seemed more stressed over the past week so I should maybe re-think this). I am getting really short with DP and the kids that its just not fair on them.

I go back to work in a couple of months and am starting to worry about how our childminder will cope with all of this; although to be honest she is an amazing childminder so will probably be fine (I keep imagining though that it might be too much for her and will say she can't do it).

I really really hate myself for moaning/talking about my children like this but I am getting pretty desperate.

If anybody has any sort of advice I would grately appreciate it.

Time is a great healer. You poor thing. They will mature. This is a hard time for you. It will get easier.

thank you LardyMa, my dad also told me something similar recently.

I know that as they get older, it will get easier so I suppose I just need to keep telling myself that. I was recently thinking of try to do some meditation or something like that to see if it would help with me getting so worked up about things, make me more relaxed about stuff but to be honest I'm just so lazy that I haven't bothered looking into it.

Thanks again for your post.

Ah, feel for you. Just wanted to re-iterate that it will get easier and that 2 children of this age is a tough cookie for anyone. Give it a year or two and it will be SO much easier. Also, although it might not feel like it, going back to work might do you a world of good. Having something outside yourself and the kiddies to focus on can be good at helping self-esteem/mood etc.

Do you have a routine of sorts with the kids? In our area there are some really good playgroups and a lot of Mums with 2 go to them several times a week- they really are a godsend as you get out of the house, the kids can play, you can chat and moan to people having similar experiences (!). So, if you don't already, get thee to a playgroup or two!

If the older one is more demanding at the moment maybe if you can focus on her a bit. Tantrums are very tiring- they certainly up them at this age, but if you can be strong and consistent hopefully they will lessen off soon (then come back again, and again.. such is life with a 2 year old!).

I would really recommend chatting to a friendly/supportive HV- phone them up for some advice on the little one sleeping or the big one tantrums, or go and see them. A friendly, professional voice can give you a lot of support and that's what they're there for.

Try to find a few activities both in and out of the house that you all enjoy. Also, do you have any friends or relatives you can phone if you're having a rubbish day? It really helps get outside yourself, I know how isolating it can feel just you and 2 little ones.

Good luck, and hope you feel better soon. x

My daughter started tantrumming as soon as she started walking at 12months. Between aged 1-2, she was a total nightmare, very stubborn and it was her way or no way. I even considered behavioural problems, she seemed so much more demanding than others her age.

Since she turned 2, she really has turned a corner, is really quite obedient and pleasant company. I think she has actually benefitted from going through the 'terrible twos' a year early, especially as I see tots her age or 3, even 4 having the most terrible tantrums and its so much more difficult for the parents to deal with (can't teach an old dog new tricks?).

Your daughter is probably very intelligent and is going through this (challenging) stage of development a little earlier. By the time she reaches 2.5/3, she'll probably be coming out of it and onto the next stage, which for my daughter is persistant questions (sometimes annoying but nothing like tantrums). One thing I would say is to get some good discipline techniques going with her so that she does grow out of this behaviour soon, as not to impact on her further development, you might think shes too young but put it in place for the future. She needs to know you're the boss now, not later. Also, communicate well with your daughter, the better her verbal communication - then the tantrums will become less too. Your childminder will be fine, remember for her, its a job and she is not emotionally attached like you. Go and have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit! This stage will pass, 'after the night, day will always come'.

I have a 10 month old and can only imagine how hard it is juggling a 23 month old too! My eldest are 4 and 6 which is an easier age gap I should think.

To be honest, you've answered your own questions in your post - yes, I think you should look again at the anti-depressants, I have no experience in this area but maybe the dosage or type needs changing if they're not fully effective?

Yes, you need to get out and about but it is bloody hard going getting out the door isn't it?! Not sure how to help with that one but it will get easier with time when your eldest can dress themselves. Maybe you could get yourself up and dressed before your DH leaves for work? Gives you a bit of a headstart.

I completely hear you on the nap thing. Morning naps are easiest here because DS is at nursery school but afternoon naps are tricky as my baby doesn't self-settle either. I opt for plonking DS in front of the TV while I rock her to sleep or taking them out for a walk so she sleeps in the pram.

She also will only sleep at night in our bed, otherwise, just like you we'd be rocking her for hours. Sod that for a game of soldiers! Totally do what's easiest for you and gets you the most sleep at the moment. You can get into 'good' habits at a later date - I think sleep training at this age is mostly pointless anyway, they are teething/developing/getting separation anxiety so you'll end up having to re-train them again and again and again. Leave it until he's a bit older.

Sorry I haven't been able to offer much advice - I can offer you solidarity though!!

If the anti-depressants didn't work IMO do not take them. Does your 10mo walk? I know it is early but when he does he will become more independent.

At 2y I didn't expect either of my children to get dressed by themselves! And they didn't even create tantrums. They just wouldn't focus :) I found that the quickest way was me to quickly dress/undress them was by myself, even when they were asleep!

And that waking of the baby they DO do it at 2y. IME girls throw way more tantrums than boys (I don't know if it is general) so there is at least a CHANCE that your son won't behave like that.

You sound like you've got an awful lot on your plate, which would make anyone stressed.

Re the getting out of the house, I found it much easier if we got dressed as soon as we got up - with the help of my dh before he went to work. Once they're with the childminder you'll have to do this. It's a lot easier to throw their clothes on quickly whilst half asleep than it is to chase them round the house later on in the day.

With the sleeping - it's not lazy, you're shattered. We did the same as you and I'm sure many other people do to. There's a limit to how long you keep getting up at night for an hour at a time.

Don't worry about getting everything right - just do what you need to to get through this difficult time.

You need to get to a state where you feel strong and well before you get back to work. And don't worry about the childminder coping. Mine looks after 4 or 5 dcs every day and is well used to keeping the peace.

Take care of yourself.

Sounds like you could really do with a break! And anyone would with two under two - it is a really hard thing to do. Little kids are incredibly demanding and it is always harder to cope when you also have to deal with disrupted sleep. I think it is amazing that you manage to get out most days because with only one of mine under 2, I make excuses far more than is healthy for both of us!!

Don't hate yourself for moaning about the kids because we all do it. It's completely natural. I must admit - and maybe I am just totally evil - but I never feel better than after a lovely cup of tea and a seriously decent moan about my lovely children with my fellow mum friends. It doesn't mean I love them any less, but it really helps to sound off.

What the other mums said about the childminder is completely right. It is her job and it sounds like she is good at it, so she will be fine. Is it possible that she could take them now, maybe one day a week, or even a for a morning? It would help them get used to her, but more importantly it would give you some time completely for yourself. Most of us know what utter bliss a rare moment like that is!

Loads of lovely advice, don't really have extra to add but really wanted to empathise with you I have DD 3.4 yrs and DS2 14 months and my DD really is a horror when it comes to her brother, but I have to say it is getting better the older they get. The nap time waking is/was the worst, you would just get your brain set that you only have 1 little person to deal with and she would start banging around and waking the other up! Very stressful! I just wondered where your DS was taking his nap. Once mine started napping in his cot it became easier to stop DD waking him. I used to put DD in her highchair with Playdoh or crayons and paper and then whizz him upto the cot, then back to her.... this stopped the following and screaming while he was trying to settle, this obviously worked for me as he didn't need rocking to sleep.... also I would then keep her trapped entertained in the highchair whilst I cleared the kitchen and ran hoover round then spent the last 20mins or so of nap time just doing something with her. I had PND and it took me a long time to get this going and I appreciate where your coming from with the ''getting out'' but even though I knew it would be better for us all I often found myself staying in! I agree with past posters though that the earlier you can get ready the easier it is and I often now get morning bottles (my DD still has one is this bad?) and have them in my bedroom then straight into the bathroom and get us all ready before they even step downstairs.... wish I could wave a wand for you x

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I just need to keep telling myself that things will get easier in time.

Yeah we do have a daily routine which I feel is going well. I'm finding it quite hard to find things/ways to entertain DD while DS is having his morning nap (if we stay in that is). We stay in a flat and he sleeps in his cot in our bedroom so when DD gets bored/frustrated and has a tantrum, DS often wakes from it. I think she is bored of all of her toys/books etc however her birthday is coming up so hopefully there will be more to keep her busy/entertained after that.

Mummyloveskisses - thats a good idea about putting your DD in her highchair with something to occupy her while you deal with your DS, might try that next time.

DP mentioned that she might be having more tantrums when DS is getting attention, so I am going to watch that over the next few days to see if thats the case and if so I will try to include her more (although I don't exclude her consciously; she may just be getting a bit jealous).

I just wonder if there are other mums out there that let minor things like this get so on top of them like I do. As I mentioned before our childminder is fantastic (we used her for a few months when I went back to work while pregnant with DS); her DC are so well behaved and well mannered. Her house is just amazing - perfect for little ones. Whenever I beat myself up about things I find myself saying to DP 'oh childminder wouldn't have done it that way or childminder wouldn't have got so worked up about something like that. But why the hell am I comparing myself like that - I just don't get it! I do try but sometimes I think it's not enough.

Anyway getting a bit of course now so would just like to say thank you all again, your replies are really helpful

p.s glad a few have said that you also took DC into bed when they were that young, one less thing I can worry about!