A bit long, sorry

[Verytiredmum]

I do like Mumsnet! I don?t post very often, but do read a lot of the behaviour threads. I quite often start a post but by the time I have finished explaining our problem, I often find that I can think of lots of good replies to myself, and can anticipate what you might say, so I end up not sending it! However, I would appreciate some advice on this one . . . .

Ds1, who is five is testing me hugely, at the moment. He?s being very unco-operative often over little matters, and then going on to provoke a huge deal out of something that really didn?t matter much in the first place. It?s v. frustrating. We use time out and if he is told not to do something and ignores the warning then he is sent off to his bedroom for five minutes. It has worked well for us in the past, but he has recently started responding aggressively, snarling, kicking a chair or tipping something over as he goes. It?s designed to provoke and I am pretty sure that I should ignore this when possible, but I?m failing completely and rising to the bait, responding to his parting shots by seeing red, shouting or doubling his time out. He then gets angrier and things escalate. If I do restrain myself as he mutters his way past me, and try to stay calm, I find that I tend to overreact to his next provocation, or even worse to ds2, who inevitably chooses that moment to start to play up.

Any one got any good tips for how to stay calm ? really calm and in control, rather than just pretending that you are ? especially when you are tired/outnumbered by sons!?!

And whilst I am here, ds2 is just two and we want to use the naughty step for time out but he is fiercely resisting, doing the ?I-can-go-rigid-so-that-you-can?t?put-me-anywhere-trick?. I can and do can put him in his playpen, but it is all becoming rather loud and aggressive again. I just can?t remember how we started using timeout with ds1. As far as I remember he always went when told to. How did other people begin using timeout/the naughty step?

PS I don't know what started ds1 being aggressive. It seems to have snuck up on us, and suddenly to be a problem - only at home of course. My boys usually behave brilliantly when we are out and save all the hastle for when the door closes behind us at home.

Instead of sending DS1 to his room when he ignores your warning have you tried making him sit on the stairs for 5 mins? We used to send DS1 to his room then thought there were too many toys there for him, we also had a naughty chair (one of his little chairs) and put that in our bedroom where there were no toys, or anything that he might find interesting. I think he was about 3 when we started to do this and before that we used the naughty step, can't remember how we introduced it though.

There is a thread in the chat section (sorry - can't do links!) titled 'tips to stop me shouting at them' I haven't read this one yet but you may get some advice there about how to stay calm.

HTH xx

Has ds1 just started school? Or has there been a change in his school that could be affectign him?

His aggressive response is an exercise in control (I'm sure you don't need me to tel you that! ), seeing that he can make you react. But your angry reaction frightens him, as well as his own 'power' frightening him, because this isn't the way it's meant to be and he knows that, even if he can't say so.

Try a completely different approach. When something happens, instead of being angry and sending him to time-out, get down to his level, take hold of him (gently but firmly) by his upper arms and make eye-contact. Don't say anything, just hold it for a few seconds. Then tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and offer him the chance to apologise and return to whatever properly, or to time-out.

The eye-to-eye will give you the opportunity to remain calm, and will be quite a shock to your ds if he's not used to it.

Exactly the same can be done with your ds2.