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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Partner won't ever let DD cry

14 replies

Onefunmum · 02/05/2011 07:30

Whenever DD cries about anything he tells her off and to stop crying. She is just two and is prone to having a few tantrums but he will not allow her to get upset about ANYTHING.
She's currently unwell and a bit more whingey than usual but instead of comforting her he tells her to stop crying, to shut up and threatens to go out of the room when she wants him to stay and cuddle her.
Obviously I am worried about the effect his is going to have on her emotionally.
Unfortunately, he thinks I am 'jealous' because I can't get her to stop crying as easily.
I am not. I just want my children to grow up knowing it is ok to cry.
She has started to become MORE, not less, whingey since he started on this 'she mustn't cry crusade' and it's really beginning to upset me.
Any ideas what to do?
He is unlikely to listen to me as he is very pigheaded convinced he knows best.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

deemented · 02/05/2011 07:31

Any ideas what to do??

Tell him to fuck the fuck off? Where does he get off, bullying a little child to make her stop crying, jesus, how awful.

happymole · 02/05/2011 07:34

Agree totally with Dee. What a bullying arse

Chundle · 02/05/2011 07:35

Clearly he is the one displaying jealousy behaviour as it fairly obvious that when dd cries you giv her attention and that's what he doesn't like. Thus has the potential to turn into nasty situation for your little one so I would stop it now or tell him to sod off! Kids cry if he can't handle off he knows where to go

TheProvincialLady · 02/05/2011 07:43

It's a very worrying sign. Not the behaviour of a loving father, or even of a stranger with basic empathy. I agree that you have to tell him to stop it NOW or get out.

purepurple · 02/05/2011 07:44

What a horrible bully. he sounds really immature and not the sort of person I'd want round my children.
Sorry to be harsh, but he will screw up your DD if he continues like this.
Children need to learn that it is ok to cry and feel upset. Children look to adults to help them deal with their emotions as they cannot handle them. An emotionally literate adult will acknowledge the child's feelings and help the child recognise how they are feeling, to empathise, and to help them move on.
Is there any way you can get him some parenting classes? TBH, he doesn't sound like the sort of person who would do it willingly.

2posh · 02/05/2011 07:47

Sorry, I agree with the posters above. He is being completely unfair on your child. You need to have a talk with him and explain that DC need years to mature emotionally, crying is normal for a 2 year old and she will grow out of it in her own time. For the time being, however, crying is a necessary part of your DD's emotional vocabulary as 2 year olds cannot be expected to always articulate what is wrong but nonetheless sometimes need attention, comfort and sympathy - crying (normally) elicits that from adults.

Explain that your DD will cry least if she feels loved and safe.

Perhaps you could ask DP about whether he ever cries. Have YOU ever cried in front of him? Ask him what he would do if you did. Perhaps ask him to explain what is at the back of his mind when he wants DD to not ever cry - is it because he finds it too upsetting, is it because it annoys him, or is it because he thinks she is deliberately trying to manipulate people? Address those misconceptions individually.

You DO need to get him to modify his response. As a fall back option, you need to be prepared to tell him to do as you ask simply because you are her mother and will not tolerate anything else in this situation. If he can't do that for you, well then you can draw your own conclusions.

Good luck.

Original poster

Onefunmum · 02/05/2011 07:53

Thanks for your replies everyone. You're just confirming what I thought.
I've been pulling him up on it constantly but he just gets annoyed with me. I said I'd talk to the health visitor and he should go to parenting classes but he just poo poos it. He really thinks because he can get her to stop crying she mustn't have been that upset in the first place. Unfortunately I've recently had DS and am EBF him so my relationship with DD has suffered a little but she's always been close to her dad. This is a fairly new development, which I think has happened as she's become more 'tantrummy' and fruit to assert herself (which I know is 'normal') so I'm also worried about the effect it will have on their relationship and her self esteem.

He comes from a family who 'don't cry' and I can count the number of times i've seen him cry on my fingers.
Is there anyway I can change something that is so deeply entrenched? :(

OP posts:

baskingseals · 02/05/2011 07:59

ask him why he doesn't like her crying?
does it annoy him?
ask him how he would feel if he stubbed his toe and swore or said owww, and you told him not to be so silly and to be quiet.

remind him that it is normal and vital for children to cry.
better out than in.

ask him if he wants her to be happy - she wont be if she has to keep the bad feelings inside

perhaps have a chat about his own childhood - were his parents very distant and british?

op you are definitely in the right. feel confident about this. don't lose your temper with dh, just keep explaining the situation.

good luck and congratulations on your ds!

Original poster

Onefunmum · 02/05/2011 07:59

X posts with 2posh.

Thanks for your reply, he's seen me cry a fair bit (2 pgs!) but is not very good at comforting me. He will never try to cuddle me when I do, rather try to 'talk or jolly me out of it'. As I said above, he never cries - the only time he has is when DCs was born and when watching a movie/listening to emotive music.
I think he finds it upsetting, irritating AND difficult to cope with but I'm not sure if the irritation is caused by the other two IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onefunmum · 02/05/2011 08:05

Thanks for your response baskingseals. He won't really discuss anything to do with his family and when I try to he thinks I am 'slagging them off' because I have spoken about the way they deal with things in the past critically and he doesn't like it. (I try to be constructive but he is immediately defensive when I mention his family)

OP posts:

baskingseals · 02/05/2011 08:07

sorry, just seen you said his family don't cry.
i would talk to him about that.

you are not failing as a parent if your child cries - in fact i think it could be more the opposite.

tell him that you want him and dd to have a strong relationship, and tell him that it is in his hands

baskingseals · 02/05/2011 08:09

oh yes i've got one of those. thanks mil.

focus on his relationship with dd.
ask him what kind of dad he would like to be
ask him if he is happy being the dad he is

Longtalljosie · 02/05/2011 08:11

As she gets older, her stress will have to come out in some other way - possibly headaches or an upset tummy. Ask him whether he would prefer that

Original poster

Onefunmum · 02/05/2011 08:23

Thanks again everyone, I appreciate the constructive advice baskingseals and really hope I can get through to him! We're going through a difficult patch, which has been exacerbated on my part by the way he deals with DD (he thinks it is something to be proud of when your child is totally compliant and says I let the children 'rule me'. This is completely not true - I have worked with children, including those with autism for 10+ years and any of the parents I worked with would laugh at the idea of me being a pushover!).
Unfortunately, I can't think of anyone he would listen to! Am in the process of making sure I'm out of the house as much as possible so he has less to do with her discipline (he works from home) which I know is not the best solution. Poor DD :(
Am also worried that if he won't let DD cry, what will he be like with DS? Luckily he's only 12 weeks old so won't be affected just yet!

OP posts:

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